Judge, 1891-03-21 · page 5 of 20
Judge — March 21, 1891 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short humorous pieces typical of late-19th/early-20th-century satirical magazines: **"As the Ice Goes Out"** is a sentimental poem about spring thaw—a seasonal event that drew crowds. The accompanying illustrations show daily life scenes. **Restaurant dialogue** mocks pretentious diners ordering "mock-turtle soup" (an imitation dish), only to be told it's unavailable—ironic deflation of their affected tastes. **"Squelched"** ridicules a charlatan athletic instructor selling fake credentials to gullible initiates. **General Greely joke** plays on the general's weather prediction failures by having him admit he'll make no predictions to ensure success. **Boston School** scene uses local pride humor—a student named "Emerson Homer" defines Boston as feminine because it's "her hub," referencing Oliver Wendell Holmes's famous phrase about Boston. **"Lot's Wife"** adapts the biblical story with contemporary fashion snobbery—the scholar jokes she looked back to check another woman's expensive coat. Other pieces satirize matrimonial agencies, dictionary definitions, and marital quarrels. The humor is gentle, domestic, and class-conscious rather than politically charged.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
AS THE ICE GOES OUT. <I HERE —it is breaking! heavy and slow It starts; they are rushing to see it go— | Women and children, men and boys, Hasten to witness the crash and the noise As the ice goes out of the river. How it seethes and boils as it rushes down, Climbing the docks, weatherbeaten and brown ; Shaking the bridge with its mighty force, Chanting of freedom, it takes its course.» Thus the ice goes out of the river. ONE 1 Jones, AT THE RESTAURANT. Gazzam (to waiter) —"I'll take mock-turtle soup.” Maddox —" Ditto.” Wazter—“\'m afraid we have not got that to-day, sir.” SQUELCHED. Rosesup Bru (the athlete) —"' Now, gents, you has all paid yer ten dollars initiation fee, an’ this here school’ of athletics is open fer the first lesson, Take a ring like this, hang it up in yer rooms’at home, an’ then as soon as yer kin pull yerself up a hunnerd times with one hand yer kin come an’ git ther secon’ lesson.”” MAKING A CERTAINTY OF IT. +6] AM determined that my weather predictions for to-morrow shall not fail," remarked General Greely. “ How will you manage it?” “T won't make any.” IN A BOSTON SCHOOL. Teacher —"" Emerson Homer, you may parse the next word — universe.” Emerson Homer —" Universe is a noun, common, of the fem- inine gender ” Teacher (interrupting) —" Feminine gender, did you say ?" Emerson Homer "Yes, ma’am ; Boston is her hub, you know.” A NEW VERSION. Teacher —* What was the fate of Lot's wife?" Scholar —" She was turned ingo salt.” Teacher —" What for?" HOW SHE GOT HIM. “ zs * rf He—“ Here come the new countess and her husband, She bought him at Scholar —" For looking back to see if the woman who had just the Wooley matrimonial bureat passed her had on a sealskin or plush sacque.” Site —** Dear me! he's evidently a job lot.” OUR NEW DICTIONARY. Look out! —Expression used by draymen and car-drivers just after run- ning down some unfortunate pedestrian. Conscience — A mirror with two faces: in the one that magnifies, the heart looks at its good actions ; in that which diminishes, its faults. Hope—The imagination of the unhappy. Idler —An animal that browses on time. Life—The time men take to die in. A SURE TEST. + THIS cigar isn’t the least artistic.” “How so?” “Why, it doesn’t draw." THE QUARREL. GHE bade me go from out her sight, Her tone was very mad— Like lovers we had had a fight, And I—well I was glad. It gave to me a breathing-spell — ‘A recess, so to speak : She'd call me back, I knew full well, In less time than a week. WHO, INDEED? Bagley —""You're a lucky chap, “Lily, did you polish Polly's cage ey. You have one wife in a and clean ‘him out, as I told you?" sand.” Liy . Sor-r; an’ I know he's clean out of his cage, for I saw him fly \ out o' the window !" more than one in a thousand?” both sides th’ way; you'd got (hic) two hatsh knocked off. AGGRAVATING. Bailey —" Well, who wants any VoIce FROM cA\ Xcuse me, fr'en’. 'S lucky you wazzn’ on comicbooks.com