Judge, 1891-03-07 · page 5 of 20
Judge — March 7, 1891 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short satirical pieces typical of early Judge magazine humor: **"A Modern Falstaff"** depicts a wealthy, rotund man (the Falstaff reference suggests pretentious excess), with dialogue mocking Indian fighters and their violent boasts—likely satirizing frontier mythology or contemporary military figures. **"A True Prophecy"** jokes that signing a church choir contract brings misery, mocking both marriage and religious commitment. **"Elected for the Short Term"** satirizes Chicago courtship customs where a woman accepts a three-year marriage "contract" with renewal options—mocking transactional attitudes toward marriage as business deals. **"Virgo Loquitur"** is a woman's monologue expressing romantic ambivalence—she claims indifference while contradicting herself, satirizing feminine affectation and emotional dishonesty. Other pieces mock: English snobbery about pajama cuisine, journalists exploiting grief for stories, and heavy drinking. The overall tone ridicules American social pretension, commercialism, and romantic hypocrisy of the era.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE A MODERN FALSTAFF. A TRUE PROPHECY. ? ++ AH! SAID the fortune-teller, peering into the eyes of the young man, “I see nothing but trouble ahead of you—bickerings, quarrels and enmities.” And sure enough, the next week the young man signed a year’s contract to sing in a church choir. A GREAT DRAWBACK. Spatts—"Do you like pajamas, Goslin?” Goslin — Yes, | am vewy fond of them, doncher know; but I cawn’t find a chef in this country who can cook them as they ought to be cooked, like they do in deah old England.” ELECTED FOR THE SHORT TERM. Chicago beau—" Yes; we'll have a marriage contract, if you like. Spe will you accept me?” Chicago belle —" Yes—for three years, with the privilege of five.”” GETTING POINTS. Reporter —" Are there any more facts about the deceased that you would like to have mentioned?” Relati was the olde: rter—"" Ah, 1 see. Z ‘4 father’s or his moth- ‘pose you'll be goin’ out to fight of. p 4 ide? you, Richard?” Ye ev. Dick —* Wouldn't wonder if I did go = HP oe and shoot some of the pesky varmints.” 4 i 4 Z IT WILL TAKE, “Squire Fittup—"* You've had considbul ‘sperience, I ~/ Ly eae Editor —"1 am going bilieve, in fightin’ them critters?” Y ¥ Z % : be Beth E-pevIL Dick—'"* Well, I should smile. I sup- “ Z po Makc-an IAAOVaUOR VN pose I’ve killed more red-skins than you ever did muskee- aay SS the next serial I print which ters, ‘squire. Why, we didn’t make more of knifin’ an Injun , : will be popular with the than you would to drown a kitten!" ladies.” ‘ Publisher —" What are INGENUOUS INNOCENCE. eras? ‘+SAY, mamma, are policemen like litte children?” St : : Editor —"\ intend to “Why, dear?" é 7 \ "print the closing chapter “Because I see so many being taken out for a walk \ first." in Central park by the nursery maids.” ai No™! wyer Cute is rich ; CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION. 2 pub yet the ack Little Chicago girl—We'te going to have a lot ‘Squire Fiuiup—" Whar are you goi ra “Tis through his practices and of people at our house to-night.” Dare- evi, Dick —""1 furgot somet not his practice. Little Chicago boy —* What is it; a birthday party?” Litile Chicago girl—"No; this is the second year that I've had the same papa, and we're going to celebrate.” VIRGO LOQUITUR. [ MET him the other night (Never mind where). He started to kiss me, But didn’t quite dare; And I'm glad that he didn’t, Because I don't care For him—that is, not really. ~He said he should always Remember that night. When we parted he’ pressed my hand “Somewhat too tight And imprinted a kiss on it— Almost—not quite ; And I'm glad of it—really. And it's all for the best, Because kisses, like wine, Somehow mix one’s ideas. It's hard to define— Bug if he Aad kissed me The heart that's now mine Might have been his—really. A HEAVY DRINKER. Dare-pevit, Dick—"'T bileeve I had a tussle with them McCorkle—"1 think Jaysmith must same Injuns oncet on the plains. I thought, bein’ as this is a drink out of the horn of plenty.” acerble community, I'd better keep outer their way and not ame be forced to shed their blood.” MeCrackle—* Yes; he imbibes cor- toRUS —"* What's the matter with Dare-devil Dick? He's SENSIBLE SOLILOQUY. “1 can easily account for my conviction, feCrack but here is one thing I can’t get over.” nucopiously.’ comicbooks.com