Judge — January 17, 1891 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE GOOD WINTER WEATHER. NORTHERN NEW YORK DIALECT. ] NEVER sce no sense in findin’ fault with the weather. I ben kep’ pooty busy tendin’ tew small consams ‘n hev left the weather 'n sich things tew Providence. I spose there’s a feller daown tew Washin'ton gits paid fur watchin’ the weather ‘n darned poor work he makes out ef I'm any judge ‘n the rest of us won't git a darned cent fur watchin’ ont ‘n sarves us right tew. Yew cain’t allus tell nether whare tew locate the kind of weather what'll suit the folks yure talkin’ tew. Frinstance; along in the sixtys I was peddlin’ a heart-stirrin’ 'n liver-tumblin’ pill, wooden boxes twenty-fi’ cents twenty-six globules tew the box, up along the Black-river railroad out of Utica. Wall I got off the cars at a leetle town called Alder Crick ‘n started back intew the country with a carpet-sack loaded with the infallible soothin’ but energetic cathartics. 1 callated on big sales ‘n quick returns. It was sich fine weather, sich a late fall, ground all bare ‘n the crows a hollerin’ in the hemlocks along the crick ‘n not a flake of snow yit in December, most Christmus. When I struck Forestport three miles from Alder Crick it looked like they was a funeral at Boonville ‘n everybody was a mourner. Not even a dawg in the street. I rapped at a door 'n never heerd a peep. I opened the door 'n went in. There set the man of the house in one corner ‘n he growled out “Git right out o' here, we don’t want nuthin’ in such goldarned weather as this.” “Why,” sez I, “this is : lovely weather, no snow yit""— but he riz right up 'n hove a flat-iron at me ‘n I dodged ‘n lit out. Next door a feller hollered at me out o' winder ‘n set his dawg on me. I tried a few more houses but darn me if I could trade a box of pills fur my dinner. The hull town was spell-bound on that open winter. I footed it back tew Alder Crick 'n waited fur the train tew take me out of the country. “ Wait till we git some snow,” sez the feller at the deepo; “six munce = ——4 of snow makes good times up here in the lumber count y Wie, “Wall I jest waited till January 'n sallied out agin. It hed snowed a | ii week stiddy 'n when I got off the cars I borryed a pair of snow-shoes ‘n a < compass ‘n started fur Forestport. Once in a while yew could see the top of a fence post but mostly thar was only chimblys in sight, but in the village wherever thar was a fence-post in sight thar was a feller settin’ on top of it bareheaded a smokin’ his pipe ‘n playin’ on an accordiun ni the stiow fallin’ so fast that yew couldn't see tew rods ‘n every chump I passed yelled out, “ Wot yew sellin’ old man? waltz right intew the house ‘n dew bizness. This #s nice seasonable weather. Blamed ef I didn’t locate a box of them bowel-investigators in every house ‘n they wanted me tew stay that evenin’ tew a dance ‘n take a num- ber on a cutter they was goin’ tew rafile off ‘n business was jest a boomin’ with five feet of snow on a level. So I sez desirable weather varies ac- cordin’ tew location ‘n I spose an Eskimo would kinder pindle aout in Florida, ‘n it’s all in bringin’ up. nie HUM OF THE COURT. CUTTING PRAISE. Dorrtnctox —"' These accidentals worry me a little, Miss Luti His austcat. vicria—"" I think you're doing beautifully. A// your play- ing seems to be accidental ALFRED TERRY must have been a great diplo- matist as well as a great soldier. His famous sister says he was called upon when young to settle all the family quarrels. S!X MUGWUMPS can run any large Democrat- ic dinner, and their order to snub any leading Democrat has to be obeyed. It is frequently the tail that wags the dog. THE PIUTES kill their medicine-man when he loses three patients in succession. If they had any respect for propriety they would reward him munificently if he killed them all off. CLAIMED that Parnell’s. eyes were-not filled with lime, but mud. Ab, what a difference that makes! And we dare say the heads were cracked with crowbars, not shillelahs. #40." SAYS Mrs. Stanley with great firmness ; “Henry shall never go to Africa a It now remains to be seen whether the lady is a bigger man than J. G. Bennett or the king of Belgium. [7 1S THOUGHT by one newspaper that, prop- erly controlled, the farmers’ alliance will be a power for good. We have thought the same . thing of horse-stealing, but it was never properly HE WAS A SUITOR. cane "1 like camels." VICTORIA, though the richest woman in the Ve5 7 ot comfort now. Cant Lo. world, is said to be “provident to the verge hey te so sort of comfortable, you know, Can Tirkle-on yonr’ back? It is difficult to understand these er i sunick—""I heard papa say last night that you'd got to hump yourself, and I thought I'd things, but perhaps she proposes to lay up her speak for first ride,” treasure in heaven, comicbooks.com