Judge — September 20, 1890 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE HAYSEED IS RISIN’. all of us remember how along about September ‘The papers used ter tell about the caucus or the fair, End them fellers frum the city used ter almighty witty On the feller with the duster what had hayseed in his hair. They hed fun in legislaters with the man what raised pertaters If by any hook or crook or chance elected and sent there, End the reportorial friskers used ter com- - ment on the whiskers \d the carpet-sack of Billson, what had hayseed in his hair. Yes, b'gosh ! he rid his pass out end he used ter blow the gas out End he used ter drink hard cider when he went out on a tear, End he used ter pinch a dollar till the buzzard used ter holler End the man cut up ree-e-diklous what had hayseed in his It’s the feller with chin-whiskers that is slowly End it won't be too surprisin’ ef by slowly organi Old parties may wake up tew find the Hayseeds in their hair. When the fashions change you fellers will all carry green umbreliers End trousers wide across the seat tew make the dudelets stare ; In them times ef you pass muster you must wear a linen duster End ef you wunt tew throw on style put hayseed in your hair, ALT. WORDEN, THE WRONG TUNE. OVERHEARD at one of the fashionable hotels in the Catskills. Harry —" What makes you look so glum?" Arthur —" Why, you sec, the governor has written he is coming here. The governor can sing one song and he is forever singing or whistling it, and the deuce is I have just been introduced to the lovely Rose Lichenstein.” Harry —"\ can't see anything in this to upset you so.” Arthur —" Well, you see, the governor sings, ‘Jerusalem, my happy home." Harry —" Whew!" SMOOTHED OVER. First cowboy —"\ heard that Dandy Pe Smith with a gun for killing Pete's broth Second cowboy —"Ves; they met in the Lone Gulch saloon, Hank smoothed it over.” First cowboy —" Mow did he do Y “He bought the drinks all around.” was looking for Hank But A GAMEY LOCALITY. Srorrswax —"' Is anybody catching anything around here?” Urciin—" Vou bet they are! Jest stop at our house on 2 potawotamus, an’ he’s been ketchin’ th’ heavy end of a trunk-st NOT QUICK ENOUGH. VETERINARY surgeon to his new assistant: ake this tube, fill it with some of that powder, put it in the horse's mouth and blow bard.” The man started for the stables but soon came back, his eyes closed, and making the most horrible grimaces. F “What in thunder’s the matter? Did you do as I told you “Yoy-yees, sir; b-b-b-but the h-h-horse b-b-b-b-blew first.” RUNS IN THE FAMILY. Wife —" John, 1 wish you'd split some of that wood in the back yard.” Husband —" Haven't time. Wife (half an hour later) that wood in the back yard.” Son —* Where's pa?’ Johnny will do it” “Johnny, I want you to split some of WHY THE HOSPITAL GOT THE ESTATE. CARRUTHERS (coming down to selcome Aunt Chestergold) — sake! are we never going to get rid of that old cat?” Mrs. Carruriieks—"She's too mean to die, I think you'll have to have her put out of the wai For pity’s IF YOU WERE NOT SO YOUNG F YOU were not so young, my des And T were not so old, Oh, what a world of pleasant cheer ‘The coming years might hold ! T'd know a deal of ha Of which my he: If I were not too old to bless And you were not so young The y Are lost in tears and gloom ; Hut you are y ‘That love will bring to bloom, ‘Tis silly T should sigh Over hard behests of fat ‘That you, my dear, were born too soon And I was born too late, rs of pleasure I have known 4 rose unblown mooa HIS ERROR. Peddler (in a conciliatory tone) —“' 1 presume those lovely children in the yard are yours, madam?” Madam (frigidly) —" 1 have no children.’ Peddler —" Pardon me; since | see you more closely I see that the brats could not possibly be J called marm yours, comicbooks.com