Judge — September 20, 1890 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHEN | WAS A KID. HEN I was a kid it was joyous to run, Sans stockings and shoes, in the dust and the sun’ But this rash disregard of con- ventional laws To grief not infrequently Went my little bare toes against of Aaron, there slid Down my checks the hot tear- ‘drops when I was a kid, 4 ‘When I was a kid ‘twas a pleas: ‘ure unique “Mong the jams and preserves of my mamma to sneak ; But detection oft came, and it wasn't $0 nice When I paid of those thieving transgressions the price: Flap! flap! fap! Went the slipper maternal. while over her tay My writhing form lay, and full penance I did For my larcenous penchant when 1 was a kid When I was a kid it was heaven to snatch The succulent spheres from old Smith's melon-patch ; ‘The fruit was delicious to palate and lip, But the tariff thereon was not quite so kerflip: V per! peat Went the shot from Smith's gun in the calf of my leg; And like a Comanche mad hornets amid T yelled and skedaddied when I was a kid. When I was a kid it was blissful to" go In swimmin’ * some ten times per day in a row, Perversely ignoring the orders of dad : But well f remember the song of his gad: wish! swish! swish ! It warbled along my recumbent posish ; Toellowed fortissimo ; red my eyelid As the crest of a gobbler when Twas a kid. PLANNING THE ADVERTISEMENT. When I was a kid the promiscuous things Mavame Neapott—‘' We don'ta seem to drawa mucha mon, Franko.” Which made up existence included some stings: Monsieur Nearott—'* No, mia Caressimo. You must hava your jewels stola.” But, glory to Allah! [never grew chill y bi ACSEN OH that Horo ew sig pot my tympanum day alter da WHAT | DID IN THE COUNTRY THIS SUMMER. Ja the juvenile pathway eee ots oe eaten MAPE love to a dozen girls, but made an impression on one—the girl with a squint. Borrowed so much money that it will take me until next summer to repay it—if I be so inclined. Had two dozen novels with me to read, but read the last two chapters of but one. Laid in a stock of poetical similes that ought to make editors beware. Read one of my poems to a group of belligerent mosquitoes, and thus killed the lot at one fell swoop. Told all sorts of lies about my income and prospects to prospective mothers- in-law. Got solid with the hotel clerks by praising their looks and their diamonds, and took the equivalent in board. Exhibited a dozen of my photographs to the young ladies I met, but no one wanted one. Met a Boston girl without eye-glasses who talked in monosyllables, and made a note of it for future use. Donned my new bathing-suit, and was asked by a beauteous maid which prison I es- caped from. Went home to Gotham feeling that there was no summer-resort like my seventh floor back, where a man may comb his hair with his fingers without being thought a lunatic, and where a man may make poetry without being thought queer. NATHAN M. Lay, TRYING TO PULL THROUGH. AN UNREASONABLE CUSTOMER. \ SHOP where birds are stuffed — ‘0, I aim not at all satisfied. You stuffed my poor dear parrot scarcely a twelvemonth ago, and now all the feathers are coming off.” “Well, madam, you should give us credit for the faith- ful manner in which we imitate nature. What bird did you ever see, no matter of what clime, that did not moult once a year?” THE JUDGE'S DICTIONARY. Courage — Strength of heart. Jey —The smile that beams; the tear that vanishes. Fancy —A bird with whose tail-feathers lovers and poets write. Happiness — vibration trembling between two mu- sical strings. Cricket —That order of monk whose function it is to say mass for the dying summer. Philosopher —One who can successfully persuade him- self that he is happy because he ought to be, when he is not. AATHRINE GROSJRAN IN SELF - DEFENSE. Dolley —" Why do you wear such a loud pair of trou- sers when going to call on Miss Amy? AN INDIGNANT PROTEST. Rev. Mx, Gorrtes—" Bre’rn and sistern, I's gwine t' push Mistah Hoots ashore, an’ : | wants to say raight heah dat ef any mo ob yo" coons has got life-preservahs on, yo's gotter Goslin — She is addicted to the piano habit.” xit some one else t’ do yo" dippin’t" comicbooks.com