Judge — October 5, 1889 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE CARL. Vhen a man no friend dot vil post. Id vas a sure ting dot poferdy vants vat comes der ground out, but avarice vants dot und der ground neider, Dot gal vas so sour of her coundenance dot she vas prush her hair mit a honeycomb to gif ber a shwell dis- bosition. Vhen you vas try to make a feller besser tnd he dond would done it, dot proofs dot der Lord vas hafe yoost so poor opinion of dot feller as you vas hafe. PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. as so drunk like der tuyfel dhere vas shduck by him so long like a lamp- When Baby was sick, we gare her Castoria, When she was a Child, she cried for Castoria. When she became Misa, she clung to Castoria. When sho had Children, she gave them Castoria, London Truth bas a correspondent who wants the following stanza added to the British national anthem : Grandchildren not a few, With great-grandchildren too, She blest has been. We've been their sureties, Paid them gratuities, Pensions, annuities, God save the queen, For ladies the best and purest tonic is Angostura Bit- ters, It effectually cures dyspepsia, and tones up the system. Dr. J. G. B. Siegert & Sons, manufacturers. At druggists, What could be happier than this childish account of | a dog's mode of soothing his mortified vanity when he has had an unsuccessful encounter with a cat? “If there’s no trees just round, the dog gets the cat in the corner of a door or two brick walls, Then the cat makes her body twice as big as what is flesh and bone by standing her hair up strate, and she spits and sneezes all over the dog, so he can't see what he's doing of. Then while he's learin’ his eyes a bit she scratches him in the nose, which you know, of all parts of the dog's flesh, its nose has got the littlest skin over it. You night say there is no skin, only a bit of meet. The dog feels just as if he was cought with a fishing-hook, and he runs right away a thinking to hisself as he thought the cat was a little one when he see it in the oy Times, Sealskin Garments Leading Fashionable Furs, WHOLESALE AND RETAIL. 124 West 42d Street and 103 Prince Street, NEW YORK. Fashion Book mailed Free. uk EXTRAORDINARY EXHIBIT —or THe Richest Fabrics and Highest Novelties SILKS, VELVETS, s DRESS GOODS For the Fall and Winter of 1889. Correspondence solicited from all parts of the country re- garding Materials, Fstimaces and Samples for Brides’ Trous- seauz, Costumes, Wraps, etc. 126% 1128 Cheol St Philadelphia CORN ON THE CoB. My sweetheart eats corn on the cob. “Tis sweet to her palate and eye, ‘Though its kernels her vision bedaub And set her fair features awry. In butter deeply immersed, “This horse-feed with ber raises hob Oh, this of my ills is the worst— ‘My sweetheart eats corn on the cob! Oh, corn on the cob! Oh, corn on the cob! It gives me a very loud pain in the knob “To behold my own dear Stretch her mouth ear to ear In the eating of corn on the cob. My sweetheart eats corn on the cob, And taints her complexion of pear! With the porker’s own food, that would rob Of beauty the loveliest girl. I weep, and reflect with a groan, As my cardiac furnishings throb With anguish, how can she atone For eating this corn on the cob? Oh, corn on the cob! Oh, com on the cob! Tt makes my esophagus up and down bob As I think of the woe ‘That must gripe her, I know, When my sweetheart eats corn on the cob. —John Talman in St. Paul Pioneer Press. Mrs. Winstow's Sootuinc Syrup for Children Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhoea, "25 bottle, ATCHISON APHORISMS, Envy hurts you more than it does the man you envy. A man has a right to expect everything and try to getit. Since fat permit it? When you tell a woman that you love her you give her authority to be jealous. Never chase a lie. Disprove a lie, and the liar who invented it will invent another one. They talk about the wee small voice of conscience, but it has been known to sing bass. If aman admires you you must pay him a good deal of attention or he will become your enem; Nothing equals the shock a young man feels when he hears his ordinary every-day sister called an angel. Neither one looks right when the girl with a great big bustle walks beside a girl who has none on at all. ‘A man who is hen-pecked is well off in one respect ; his wife will not allow any other woman to peck him. A sure sign that the door-bell is going to ring—When you are the only one in the house and in the bath-tub, A girl never thinks of anything special she wants 10 say until she sees her room-mate on her knees saying, her prayers. his is the season when your friend is hurt because you do not drop your business affairs and support him for office. —A tchison Globe. iarity always breeds contempt, why do you BERTON “SEC” CHAMPAGNE. ‘one dozen bottles, $30.00, net. half-bottles, $32.00, net. Case two dozen ‘The wind has swept the clouds ‘To a corner of the sk And left the air so blue- ‘The wind is very spry. ‘The wind has swept the dust ‘Toa corner of the street, And left the bricks so red— ‘The wind is very neat !—ahyland. ° SIMPLY PERFECT. The Union Pacific Raflway, “The Overland Toute,” has equipped its trains with dining-cars of the latest pattern, and on and after August 18th, the patrons of its fast trains between Coun- cil Bluffs and Denver, and between Council Bluffs and Portland, Ore., will be provided with delicious meals, the best the market affords, perfectly served, at 75 cents each. Pullman's Palace Car Co. will have charge of the service on these cars. SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL. A wise man says, ‘A young man used hardly and roughly will be a tougher man in the end. He will go into the fire iron and come out steel.” ‘That depends a great deal on whether he does or not. And that, again, depends largely on what the young man is when he goes in, If he is simply basswood, and the very best quality of basswood at that, when he goes in he goes in for good. He doesn't come out anything. I don't know where he goes, but he doesn't come out again, It won't do to put all young men into the fire. Unless the tempering process be considered a good way to get rid of them.” And then when you put the young man of iron into the fire you don’t want to keep him there too long, or you'll spoil him, Iron will burn as well as basswood, if you keep it on the fire long enough. “How long’'shall you keep him in then?” Oh, bless a; how do I know? AsL the wise man ; he began it. Burdette, OCHILD! ity ANS CELEBRATED HATS. Style and Quality Unequaled. 180—719—1107 Broadway. THE CELEBRATED PIANOS Aro at present the Most Popular and Preferred by Leading Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153. 155 East 14th St. N.Y. SOMME & CO. eurt 9ustie.—omeil» Durrant On 408 2, HEIN AMR Geenicty Bantad« erpeteal injection wi cont ing Me Georse pervant from infrincing Meare SER U a G Gos egilerea Trese Mart CHERHY BLOSSOM PREMIERE. QUALITE CIGARETTE. SUPERB ARTICLE. 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