Judge — 1888 — page 50: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

48 THE DIAMOND EDITION DREADFUL'S APRIL FOOL. I've jest be’n a layin’ in fur this; an’ I got there with both feet, fur I belonged to the tribe of Eli, I did. Early in the mornin’ par riz frum his down couch—an’ it wuzn't so downy as you might think, fer Ifilled it full of cut hoss the night afore pulled on his trou: Someone'd gone an’ sowed the legs shut. Parhe wuzbalancedon one leg. When a man is balanced on one leg a pair of trousers have grown shet he is in a hefty tic! lish place. Par wuz. He rammed his foot into one leg—an’ mar, she got right up an’ ched up par’s nose with stickin’ saave an’ embrycated the Jump what had riz on his skatin’ park. He lost his balance an’ went jus’ biff into the whot- not loaded with cracks, That's skinned his nos rized the bump on his venashun. While mar wuz patchin’ up par I went down to the kitchen where Bur- dalia wuz turnin’ griddle-cakes, “Bur- dy,” sez I, “yer coz, the mealy-mouthed Mick, is jist turnin’ the corner.” The hired girl made a rush fur the front gate, an’ I jist ate some pieces of felt I'd cut from an ole hat “tween par's pile of griddle cakes. “Yer a spalpeen,” sez Burdalia as she came in. ‘ Me coz hain’t in soight.” “Oh, I thought I saw him,” sez I, as meck as you please. “I never see a man enjoy griddle-cakes like par did that mornin’; on'y he put lots an’ lots of syrup on’em. It wuz his fun ; an’ if'a person can derjist felt-hats my par can, fur his stumack must be like an en- gine boiler. Then 1 made some pennies red hot ; an’ when the poor little newsboys tried to sneak ’em from the sidewalk I larfed NATURAL GAS hen’s nest fur egg: “What! going so soon, captain ? R—"T know it, my dear madam, but ‘on the west coast, and am accustomed to meet only used to this New York undressing business gradually. FROM JUDGE. till mar came an’ larruped me with a bed-slat. When night come par said, said he: “ Jass is right; I guess you'd better hunt the That wuz one of par's ole rackets ; he would be a boy fur all. I jammed my cap over my ears—an’ then I cried. I never cry ‘less I get hit 1 wuz, Par had gone an’ filled my cap full of ‘lasses. That's why I've swored off play- in’ any more April fool jokes. UNREASONABLE, Mistress (to. serving lady)— ‘Is it possible that this is my new silk umbrella that you carried to church this evening?” Serving lady (indig- nantly) — “Possible, mum! Would yez be afther expectin” me to tak’ out_me own in the wet?” A NEW NAME FOR THEM. Old Mr. Bentley — “Maria, you mustn't call people cranks any more.” Old Mrs. Bentley — “Why Joshua?” Old “Mr. Bentley — “Because they are now known as ‘people of mechanical intellect.’” It’s ver see cea the last four years rand Zulu women. I've got to get THEY DID THAT SUCCESSFULLY. “Well, how about the conquests at the beach this summer?” asked a fond father of his daughters upon their return from the sea-shore. “I suppose you broke many a heart?” “Oh, no, father,” replied Miss Sophronia ; our mission was not to break hearts. We are New Yorkers.” “ Er—I didn’t mean hearts, I meant pockets,” said the old man, correcting himself. “Sorry to see you so down on your luck, Tommy. What's the *S.sh!_ I'm in clover. AL Just bought a fifteen dollar watch and they threw in a suit of clothes.” AN EVIDENCE OF GENIUS. STRUGGLING scuIBBLER—"* I still have hope. My friends say I show evidences of genius.” Friznp—" So you do, my boy. Just look at your hair and the bot: toms of your trousers.” comicbooks.com