Judge — 1888 — page 46: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

44 LEAP YEAR SCORES ONE FOR MINNEAPOLIS. “Yer ain't got no ice palace in your old second-rate city,” sneered the St. Paul boy. But the Minneapolis youth drew himself up proudly, and gave away a true inwardness of the domestic circle in an exultant tone: “Don’t keer if we hain’t. My sister Nan has popped to her young man, who's been hangin’ off fer three years, an’ I'm agoin’ ter have a new suit of close clear through fer the weddin’.” TOO MUCH LIBERTY. First servant girl—* How do you like your last missu Second servant girl—* \don'tlike her at all.” First servant girl—* Doesn't she give you enough liberty?” Second servant girl—* She gives me too much ; she discharged me yesterday.” _ DEFINITIONS. Bachelor —A wild goose that tame geese envy. Prison—An_ oven into which society puts newly-made crime to h s—Periodical bleeding, as prescribed by government. Glutoon—One that digs his grave with his tecth. ONE WAY OF DOING IT. ‘The summer vacation “What a lucky fellow to be able to spend your vacation in the country.” “Yes, only at night the change of air keeps me from sleeping.” “But in the day time?” “Oh, the days I spend in town,” Josie Woods of Maysville, O., has been given $3,000, damages for breach of promise on the part of S.H. Poe. Poe wrote to her in one of his lettes “T send you twelve kisse: four hugs and one pinch, and a good huggin’ throde in,” and again he wrote: « My health is good i way 160 pounds i have bot me fine closes you wod’nt no me if you was to see me an’ I have bot me a fine watch, oll the girls is gitting stuck on me in every town i go to what will i do about that I drest up today an’ went down town the ladys flirting at me on all sides of the streats saing look at that prirty man, but that is alli can’t think of no bydy But you so i will close. That is better than the Ar- buckle business, and a corre: pondent says truly that it is quite as good as anything ever sent out by Artemus Ward. THE SPIRIT OF THE TIMES Old Griggs — “Jack, you young rascal! why’ didn’t you chop that wood?” I'm going to thrash you within an inch of your life.” Jack —“ Hold on a minu father. Don’t you think it's better tosettle differences peace- fully than to strike?” NATURAL GAS FROM JUDGE. Mrs Brorny—" Aha CLuny n' tin years we's married. Mrs. Brorny—‘Is that su? Well, well! It's th’ good hushban’ yez has. (Zo herself.) Av that ain't Cluny’s ould tomcat, Oi niver seen Mr. Fintey (anxiously)—-*'Is there anything on the table, dear ?” Mus. Fiptey—" Why, certainly there is. Bantine’s yesterday.” Mr. Fiptey—"Thanks, awfully. T was just a little afraid that last night's dinner was affecting me in the deliru NO BREACH OF CONTRACT. Balder—‘‘1 thought you said this mixture would make my hair come out quickly ; and it seems I'm getting balder and balder.” FAKED ADORNMENT. -It's wan o' thin Rushy sables Pat wor afther givin® Th’ natheral shtate’s th’ shtyle THOSE ART ABOMINATIONS. im line ! it’s th’ foine batch o fur-rs yez has this winty, It’s the new vase that came from Barber—* Well, isn't your hair coming out?” KARL KNEW HIS CUSTOMER. Fritz—* Mein Gott, Karl! How you subbose dot skinny feller get himself outside of de schooner of beer?” Karl— Ach! His skin vill like rubber, stredch. He vos a prohibitionist.” IN THE SMOKING-ROOM. Chawlie— Smoking, Chappie? Don’t ye know the old defawni- tion of cigaw?” Chappie—‘* Can’tsay that I do.” Chawlie—“*A cigaw is a woll of tobacco, with a light at one end and a fool at the othaw,’ ye know.” Chappie—* Do you mean to in- sinuate that this isn’t a cigar?” A PECULIAR KIND. Smith, who was of a compas- sionate turn of mind, felt disposed one day to sympathize with Simp- son, who had married a red-head ed termagant. He had begun a string of condolence when the latter interrupted him : “Why, my dear boy, there's nothing the matter with my better- half; she’s an angel.” “An angel?” repeated poor Smith, dumbfounded. “Yes, of course; an angel—of wrath.” A STRICT CHURCHMAN, Clergyman— | suppose, Dob- bin, that you intend to keep Lent this year?” Dothin—“\n course, sir; 1 keeps it all the year ‘round. We’as a Hash Wednesday at my boardink ‘ouse hevery veek.” ELEMENTARY. A man named Spunk has just married a western girl named Spink. How they have twisted it up to be sure! Past tense spink; present tense spunk; future tense spank. THE LESSER EVIL. She (dabbing his forehead with a bit of lace soaked in cologne)— Do you feel any better, darling?” He (groaning) — ‘‘Thanks, no. Would you mind leaving me a little while?” She—“ No, indeed, dear. I'll go down to the kitchen and ask cook to show me how to make you some nice little dish” He (anxiously)—" Oh, no ! Please stay. {[ had rather you would. I don't mind it very much, really.” De h’aht promp’s a-many good wuds dat git stuck in de gullet on de way out. comicbooks.com