Judge — 1888 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

24 CHESTNUTS FROM JUDGE. ANOTHER TELEPHONE DIFFICULTY. | MY UNCLE SULLIVAN. ADVENTURES OF AN OLD MAN WHO HADN'T HEARD IT THUNDER FOR FORTY YEARS. When Theophilus Skimper decided that his means would admit of his summering on Hoxawottamie Tarn, it had not entered into his calculations that his uncle Sullivan would care to accompany him. There were times when Skimper found itimpracticable to con verse with his spouse in a fashion pleasant to him and satisfactory to her. But to his uncle it was as easy to be affable at 4 a. ™. | lodge nights as any other time, for Sullivan years. : Uncle Sullivan carried a duplex vibratory and highly-refractory car-trumpet, with a Skimper had not heard it thunder for forty | | wife, were snugly quartered in adjoining apartments on the lake where they could | talk for hours without fear of interruption from the roar of the *‘busy marts of trade,” and where Mrs. Skimper could keep within call of her husband all the merry live-long day as long asshe was within a quarter of a mile of Uncle Sullivan. | Towards August some,of the boys came | up from the city to opeh a branch lodge. They opened it so wide one night it was nearly daylight before they got it shut. And Uncle Sullivan, poor old man, went along to keep an eye on Theophilus. The poor old man had gotten fuller than | the goat he'd been riding, and tried to blow tantaras on his ear trumpet all the way | home. This is what came of keeping an mouth as compre hensive as the bell of Gabriel's horn. | When Skimper, Jr., | yelled “the top’ of the morning” at the top of his voice, till | the top of his head was ready to come off, four times over, with an encore, Un- cle Sullivan would smile, and look ex- pectant. The last mosquito the ‘old | gentleman had heard was at Cape May in | the cold summer of "38, and every earth- quake since had pro- voked him to com- a ment unpleasantly | on the “infernal little | * | pests” and to tell an anecdote about the mosquitoes when he was consul at Hono- lulu. Indeed he often said he wouldn't mind how much they Dit him if they'd only not buzz around and. | make such a noise | about it. | Poor old man! Theophilus was his next of kin and only surviving relative, and he bad. nobody else to talk to about those halcyon times when he was consul at Honolulu. This the way they chatted: Uncle Sullivan— “Well, my boy, how are you to day? When I w onsul at Honolulu”—— ‘Theophi pretty well Dupe—‘ Aw, I say, | Barser— Years !” ! thank ”"— wells? lulu "— blathering old mummy, you”— Uncle $.—" Your wife not well? bad. mountains. Why, when I Honolulu I always’ Theophil Hoxawottami Uncle S. you, with pleasure. Honolu”— Tarn, if you”— an explanation. “O! Hell—o!” —" Pretty well! pretty well!! Uncle S.—“What's that you say about Why, when I was consul at Hono- Theophilus—‘‘ How are you, to-day, you I'm going to take her to “I will, my boy, I'll go with | When I was consul at SHORT AND TO THE POINT. what’s good to make the moustache grow ?” eye on Theophilus. The other sojourners in a strange lodge were similarly situated. | save Theophilus, whose heart began to get | heavy as he drew near home. It was dark as pitch and Theophilus began to moan his | hard fate, and to explain his wife’s cruel, nay, monstrous, hatred for the lodge. There was no telling what she would do to him, Too | or what he would have said about it, if the She needs a change; take her to the ; poor old man hadn't suddenly broken in was consul at| with the Policeman's Chorus from the | “Pirates” to the following words:— | When I was consul at | Honolulu, Honolulu, When I was consul at Honolulu! The effect was startling, but it was the old man’s last audible effort that night. It would have taken all the summer for | Theophilus rushed and pushed him upstairs, e So, early in July, Uncle | and by a brilliant inspiration, pushed him Sullivan, poor old man, his nephew and into the pitch-dark room where Mrs. Skim- Pier, lady writes: “Your Wafers have already ro. on my complexion, and it um Arsenic Complexion Waters, meh USS See y. 1 feel every way better than ina. ng time, have a ‘appetite, and comicbooks.com