Judge — 1888 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHESTNUTS FROM JUDGE. THE BIG HEAD TROUBLE. A SAFETY APPLIANCE. A man with a glass at one of his eyes, the same attached to | a ribbon, remarked to a man with long hair who suddenly | approached him, ‘I can sce more through this little crystal | than other men can.with their two eyes, let the same be naked or otherwise.” ‘Your self-appreciation is great,” was the reply; ‘but bethink you not that 1 am wonderfully acute of optic myself? I understand that when the world had been successfully created the Ruler thereof looked at it a moment and sighed with disappointment. ‘If I could bring up Jones from the Nineteenth Century so that he could criticize it,’ he said, ‘I should feel, after profiting from his advice, that it was well done.’ My friend, I’m Jones.” “I am happy to meet you, sir,” was the response; ‘pray tell me your occu- pation.” "Sir, Iam a political philosopher of the mugwump | species,” was the gratifying reply. “Very well,” said the man of the glass eye, replacing the crystal, which had fallen, and surveying his companion critically, ‘Come to my arms. You are my long lost brother. Have you seen our | friend the Angel Gabriel lately?” At that moment a jackass | in a neighboring thicket gave a loud bray. ‘There is his | trumpet now!” they both exclaimed in a breath; and in | their haste to get to the supposed Gabriel and tell him what time to set for the judgment each ran against the other and in the subsequent excitement they pounded each other to death. Moral—It is well to have the self-esteem that generally attends a large ear for music, but one should never know too much. THE RUPTURED PROVERB. A youth of thoughtful mien was told by his father never to be combative. ‘‘What!” he exclaimed; ‘‘and when Joseph whacks me must I not whack him back again?” “No, my son,” said the father gently ; “ you must turn to him the other cheek also. Remember that you can catch more flies with molasses than vinegar.” ‘Umph !” ejacu- lated the youth after a little reflection, contemptuously shrugging his shoulders. ‘‘ Who in thunder cares for flies?” Moral—We sometimes find that the smallest mind furnishes a stumper for our largest wisdom. QUITE PLAUSIBLE. Mrs. Brows (in Broadway)—"Why do they call a man who carries an advertising board a sandwich?” Brown (philosophically)—“ Because, my dear, on fifty cents a day he can’t make both ends meat.” A writer complains that not one young man in a dozen | knows how to leave a house gracefully; but this is a utilitarian age, and in making his exit the young man some- above)—“‘ Are yez there, Dimpsey ?” times makes up in speed what he lacks in grace. Diwpsey—‘‘ Oi am.” O'Brex—‘Kape yure grip an the rope ‘till Oi get me fut an the plank beyant !” Pants are cut so large this season that a dude’s legs look as lonesome as a Prohibitionist Convention in a skating rink. THE OFFICE SHE WANTED. “Now that we are together wed, There's something, wife, that should be said, For certainly “tis for our good ‘That all at first be understood : Would you thro’ life as President Oras Vice-President be content?” “Neither, my love, if I but be Comptroller of the Currency !" Geo. Birvsxve. BEHIND A FAN {ust for a moment in arch surmis With brows uplifted in mock surprise, Comes one swift glance from saucy eyes Behind a fan. Then sandal-wood and a bit of lace, Wielded with artless, airy grace, Securely guards a blushing face Behind a fan. Ah, Ilove her! She knows how well! Does love for me in that bosom dwell ? What fluttering thoughts now make it swell Behind the fan. A STUNNING EFFECT. Oat areas a Otp Moist Coton has just finished a When a sudden “whish” of his brush pap daielenegeptcory trp “darling” in oil, and was figuring on the sent his pipe out of his mouth, and That Fam gare sns morte price he would put upon it-— covered his beauty with “fine cut.” It Behind the fan. was a stunner. * A South William Street merchant writes : “Your Wafers are worth in reality ten times their cost, They have done me more good thanjall the doctor's advice and attendance that # Thave hitherto received.” (Letter can be seen at office. ONLY DELOT, 146 West 16th Stroet,| Now Sarle: Free Consulutions wo 6PM. Dally, .comicbooks.com