Judge — 1888 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

30 HIS FIRST ATTEMPT. An Irishman undertook the business of showing visitors to Minnesota the Minnehaha falls. His first attempt was as follows: “Theer, ladies an’ gintle- men, is wan of the foinist spooktacles in this great counthry. Jist luk ut that foine stritch of counthry, an’ away up theer yez kin see the Minnie falls, ha, ha.” JUST HIS LUCK. The fall of the Boulanger ministry caused endless dis- appoiniment in Paris. X was heart-broken. “ My friends were in pow- er, and I made sure I should get something.” “And you didn’t get any- thing?” “ Parbleu, no. Whenever it rained offices I always happened to have my um- brella up.” WANTED TO LOCATE IT. Old Mr. Bentley—1 see, Maria, that one fourth of the wheat crop of the coun- try is a failure.” Old Mrs. Bentley — “1s that so? ich fourth is it, Daniel?” GOOD THINGS FROM JUDGE. DID NOT RECOGNIZE THEM. Fine-looking girls those Turnbulls are.” Yes. Met ‘em on the street to-day, and actually didn’ That's funny; you've met ‘em at every ball this year. Bocc—** Yes, but I’ never seen ‘em dressed before." know 'em." JUST BY ACCIDENT. Rider Haggard, according to a recent statement, will not be thirty-one until the 23d of this month. Rider has apparently been so busy writing novels that he has had to postpone his )irth- days a little, but he will get there just the same. Adelaide Proctor asks if we have not all some pure ideal of noble life? Certain ly; but there is this awk- wardness — whenever we want to put it to practical use it is found that the ser- vants have loaned it to the neighbors. We have often thought of the difference between time and a bad penny. For in- stance, once passed it never returns. It is stated that in some parts of Germany a man can lose his wallet and go back fifty miles and find it; but what under heavens does a man want to do that tor? De pig dat tin’s apples on de groun’ ain't called toe look up intoe de tree. CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE. A very sad story of domestic infidelity is told by the Washington Critic. The woman was complaining of herChristmas presents. “Don't look a gift mule in the mouth,” said her husband; whereupon she said, “ Keep your mouth shut then!” Of course there will be a divorce. Nobody but an angel would submit tamely to such a retort as that. The father went to clean his g And on the impulse, just for fun, He aimed it at his little son, A red-cheeked. curly-headed boy, Whose blue eyes smiled at him in joy. St. Patrick once, so runs the story, Resolved to rid the Emerald isle Of snakes, and cover himself with glory. He drove the serpents many a mile Through smiling valleys, dismal marshes, And cleared each rock and trunk and root. But two old serpents from the grasses Escaped, and hid in Patrick’s boot. PUGWASH, To think a chance may all destroy ! An instant, and the hammer fell f That lovely boy was—dare I tell? Unharmed! It wasn't loaded. Well? THOSE NEW HATS. Trep sporTsMAN—" Will you do me the favor to stop your pony for a moment, madam? I've been following that bird for two hours.” comicbooks.com