Judge — 1888 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

GOOD THINGS THE BROKEN WISH. * Hol’ on dar, you Silas! W-what you a wishin’ foh?” ‘Taint raight fer ter tell "till she "— EXPERIENCE. OFFERED DIRT CHEAP RV UNCLE JASPER, WITH NO TAKERS. “De man wat lays up ‘is treasyahs in ‘is stummick am mo’ en laikly toe wish dat he'd cultivated suftin’ 'side ’is appe- tite befo' de win’ ob de wintah ob life capers wid ’is. gray ha’.’’ The moralist was Unc’ Jasper, as he was called by the worldly; or Deacon Jas- per, as. his brethren and sisters of the church were wont to greet him. His above remark was gra. tuitously be- stowed upon several colored dudes, members of the Webster- ian persuaders, a debating so- ciety attached to Deacon Jas- per’s church. who after the weekly meeting had organized a surprise party to descend upon a neighboring oyster saloon without asking the deacon to ornament the festive board. FINELY POINTED. Finst party—" Am dat de hoss you blowed about de oder evenin’? I doan’ see any fine points "bout him.” SkconD ranTy—‘ Yo's blind fo" shua niggah ; wha’ de fine points ob dat hoss am—am stickin’ out all ober him.” FROM JUDGE. 9 Yo’ ull see de day w’en my wa’nin’ ull hit yo’ ez haad ez a runaway mule dat meets yo’ w'en yo’ is tu'nin’ a cu’nah,” con- tinued the deacon. And he struck a position that displayed the most remarkable physique that ever excited medical orother curiosity. A sectional view of the deacon embracing the middle of his body might stand for the trunk of a boodle alderman of long boodling. It was round, protuberant, and-well conditioned, except as to externals. The shabby edges of and antique figures on a vest that negligently embraced his stomach lent a peculiar effect to thighs that tapered as rapidly as a triangle until they reached swell knobs which were presumably his knees. His legs were mere shadows of a some-time substance, and were embraced by trousers which with their contents would have suggested a pair of long stockings dangling from a clothes- line, had they not been embarrassed by feet which spread like the massed roots of an upturned.oak. His left hand rested on his hip as negligently as a tramp on the shady side of a high- way, whilehis right, with fingers pointing in as many directions as a cross-roads indicator, protruded in argumentative fashion. A fringe of white wool hid the junction of his neck and shoul- ders; his ears were half disguised by a like growth; his eye- brows, elongated into an elliptic contour by the earnest expres- sion on his face, crowded the wrinkles in his forehead into eccentric lines; and his mouth, half open and as indefinite in boundary as the Missouri during a spring freshet, disclosed two broken teeth which seemed to tear new holes in or knock still other pieces from the edges of words already tattered when they left his tongue. “Look at me yo’ dissypates, yo’, an’ take wa’nin’,” he said, slapping the best developed part of hisbody. * W’en I wardestew- ahd ob a Hudson ribbersteamboat I dun pampah my stummick "twell hit war haad wuck toe tote hit roun’, 1n dem days I pick de best mo’sels ob eb'ry dish, twell 1 war fat ez a hog in butcha- —"* Bre’ks!"" hin’ time. I dun t'ink dat de chief en’ ob man war vittles. But w’en I dun los’ my eye-sight so dat I used salt w’en de dish wanted sugah, an’ sprinkled red peppah wha’ cin’mon war de condiment desi’d, I ceas’ toe be a stewahd an drop down toe de level ob a w'itewash-brush an’ odd jobs ob totin’. Ef I'd put a check rein on my appetite w’en hit war prancin’ laik a two- y’ah ole colt, I might ob been a o‘nament toe society stid ob a fissekel cu’ossity; an’ ef I’da took half de trouble wid a savin’: bank dat I did toc keep my wais’band tight, 1 might a been fixed toe len’ money at fo’teen pah cent int’res’ 'stid ob not bein’ able toe borrer hit on any terms. Yo’ young niggahs doan’ need oystahs dis ebenin’ enny mo’ en oystahs need fect er I needa crop ob red haiah on my pate. Dis yer puttin’ fo’ meals ob vittlés wha’ free meals ull do jis’ ez much good am bound toe lead toe an av’ridge bimeby dat ull make de eatah wish he'd spread his food ovah mo’ time. Yo’ eat oystahs toe- night an’ laik ez no yo’ ull hankah fo’ herrin’ befo’ snow flies agin.” . The oration of Uncle Jasper was at this point delivered to the air. The young men had left with sharpened appetites, and as they disappeared down the street the old man heaved a sigh and concluded, “Common sense am wasted on de young. Da gotter git sperunce jis’ ez ole folks dun got hit; an’ w'en da gits hit da ull offah hit in de maakit dirt cheap wid no takahs.” JAMES A. WALDRON, comicbooks.com