Judge — November 3, 1888 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

In Fordham village lived a chap Whose brain was quite effective, But from his birth, by some mishap, His manners were defective For, though one boasts a classic brow, Yet, if he's civil as a cow, 1 think it fair to state (or swear) is manners are defective. Built on a round and portly plan, His voice and laugh were lusty, His temper was to beast and man Incredutously crusty. It makes a party's dander rise And points of etiquette despise When one appears, despite our jeers, Incredulously crusty. His wife soon wearied of her days, His words were so decisive ; He always strove to make his praise Excessively derisive. And when she died he fed his goats With her red flannel petticoats ; Which men agree was meant to be Excessively derisive. The members of his club agreed To be quite inattentive When he became (which they perceived) Persistently augmentive, And then one day his match arose— He lost his ticket, claimed his clothes, But Sam Lung Wee was found to be Persistently augmentive. One night he pondered o'er the day, Himself himself consulting ; His conscience grew amid the fray Peculiarly insulting. He fumed, he swore, he cried, he bit, And had an apoplectic fit : While in the stew his language grew Peculiarly insulting. Beside himself with rage, he boiled And lost his head completely ; A pair of pistols then he oiled Particularly neatly, And cried, ** The rascal's blood shall flow, For should I stand his insults? No! And so he blew his brain: askew Particularly neatly. DEWITT STERRY. HER LAST REQUEST. SSTT'S all over, Lil. Carl refused me this morning. Stop on your way down town and get me a two-ounce bottle of laudanum, It’s my last request.” “Don't take it so to heart, dear. You'll get over it in time.” “I never shall—never! I tell you I won't live another day. And say! stop into Miss Crimmins’s on your way back and see if that dove- colored opera cloak of mine is finished, She promised to have it done by Thursday, so I could wear it to the opera with Harry Jenkyns, He'd be so disappointed if I couldn't go.” NECESSARY TO SUCCESS. Actor — How did your people like * Hamlet’ last night 2” Wester t manager— Oh, pretty well; but | heard several of them say it would never bea big success until you wrote a tank scene in somewhere. If you want to hear a tale of hard luck and destitution just ask a fellow for the money he owes you, Wit NOT SO BAD AS SHE MIGHT BE. Old lady—" There, throw away that cigarette, little boy. It makes me sick to see a boy like you smoke.” Little boy— Yes, ma‘am; but I'll bet you'd be sicker if you smoked one yourself.” WHERE SHE FOUND PLEASURE. Jawkins— | can't see what pleasure old Miss Scraggs can find in that diabolical parrot. It's enough to drive one to the mad-house.” Hogg—" Pleasure, my boy? Lots of it! Don’t you suppose she knows perfectly how much it annoys everybody else?” A FINE HAND. Editor—* This is too long. You would better omit some of the ad- jectives. We have only room for about three hundred words.” New reporter—* Oh, I'm sure it will go in, [write such a fine hand I can get a good deal in very little space.” ‘The man who takes what is offered often gets more than his share. IT WORKED LIKE A CHARM. NEAR-SIGHTED ROUNDSMAN—"' Well, there’s not much use of my patroling Casey's beat, He's always on hand. It's a pity the rest of the force are not like T'll not bother him to-day.” Casey—" Be gobb, I t'ought he wuz comin’ up the shtrate that toime, but he changed his moind! '(7¥ bartender.) Set ‘em up agin, Moik.”