Judge — September 8, 1888 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE SEPARATION. Vacant chair, Wife in white Standing there Almost night. Does the man Renounce embraces? Just for once ; He's playing races. PREPARED FOR THE ORDEAL. aggs—" Hello, Jagley! What on earth are you doing with that box under your arm? J Sh! It's a_ phonograph. I'm going to ¢3 ig lady from Boston this evening, and this thing, with the help of a dictionary, will enable me to study out what she says at-my leisure, after 1 get home.” TRUE VILLAGE INSTINCTS. Unele Silas (taking his tirst trip on the elevated railroad) —* Kinder nice, ain't it, ‘Mandy, fur these New-Yorkers to ride home on stilts this Beat’s a patent mowin’ machine all holler. Aunt Amanda—" Yes; an’ then they can look in the winders ant see what every one else in taown is havin’ for dine! AN EXCEPTION. Philosophers tell us, with gravest of airs, Effects always result from a cause ; But exceptions prove ever, in human affairs, The truth of the greatest of laws. ona y way? The poor lawyer, whose bill remains ever unpaid, Is forced to confess, with a groan, ‘That he knows of some causes from which, he’s afraid, No effects he is likely to own, IN TROUBLE ANY WAY. A foreign comic paper publishes a caricature representing three soldiers—a German, an Austrian and an Italian, ‘The German thus addresses the other two members of the triple alliance : * You know, if we are attacked you will have to march in front.” The Halian (resigned)—" Ves; but if we should have to beat a retreat?” The German—*Then, on the contrary, you would have to march behind.” ST DEFINITION. -ssor—" Mr. Barnes, can you give me THE CORR College p definition of a philosopher 2” Mr. Barnes (a freshman) —A philosopher is a fellow who is being continually sat down on by everybody.” A MUDDY DAY. Gvest—" Say, Misto Willyums, would you oblige me by puttin’ one ob your ssh-boa’d befo’ me—dis mud is sompin’ dreadful.” 351 THE PROPER REMEDY. Elocutionist—" Doctor, | need something for nervousness; | can't remember my lines. Physician—* Why don't you buy a copy of * English as She Is Rote CLEMENCY VERSUS SOLITUDE. “ Why is it,” asked John, “that sweet woman is cruel To her who is wickedly weak and forlorn While man to his poor, sinful brother is tend. Nor shuns him with coldness, nor smites him with scorn?” © That women are ervel,” said Kate, “I deny it, And merciful man is but politic when, Were he very severe, as he very well knows, he Would live qui GH AKCHIRALD, IN A BOSTON MART. Mrs. Spanpeis.—t What a charming little doggy ! inclined ? HER Fist MAN—"' Not as I knows on, marm; but T wouldn't go near him, He bites wunst in a while, Is he masticatorially ILLS THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO. DOWAGERS ON A SARATOGA HOTEL PIAZZA, HEARD BY PROMENADER, THE FOURTEEN SCRAPS First dowager—" The doctor called it angina pectoris.” Second dowager—* We rubbed him all night, and put on five mus- tard plasters.” Third dowager—" The first time | had sciatic rheumatism | thought I never'd walk another step.” Fourth dowager— said he never saw such a bad case in his life.” Fifth dowager— My life was despaired of, and” — Sixth dowager—* Lovisa's second child it worst of all venth dowager —" The first tumor weighed twenty-five pounds.” ighth dowager—* — cancer of the stomach, worst case he ever Ninth dowager— Oh, that's nothing ; my liver’s enlarged four times its natural size. Tenth dowager —" —~ they were afraid | had Bright's disease.” Eleventh dowager (very massive as to person and diamonds) —" I never slept without laudlum for eighty-five nights.” Twelfth dowager (attenuated)—" We know it’s malaria ails Maria, “cause there's no consumption in our family.” Thirteenth dowager— operated twice for tracheotomy Fourteenth dowager—" My daughter's baby had tracheotomy, too.” Pretty young mother — Oh, my! 1s trache—trache—what-d’ye-call- it, catching ?” There was an old man who said Fudge, Why take any paper but Juoce? It drives off the vapors, ‘The best of all papers, ‘This comical journal called Junce. comicbooks.com