Judge — April 2, 1887 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Mipes THE PUNSTER. The prattler of the puny | pun, The gnat that gnaws the reason ; He pops you with his baby gun Or in or out of season. You soar; he brings you down to earth, The subject vilely turning ; The slightest chance for senseless mirth His sight oblique dis- cerning. He picks your pocket of 4 the thought You're just about displaying : You start a phrase with wisdom fraught ; “Tis lost—an ass is braying! In looks though gentleman is he, ‘» bore or boor is ruder ; gh handsome, graceful, rich he be, Eject the rash intruder ! . * Tl Here says a candid friend of mine, ly mended, GEORGE BIRDSEYE. THE TEMPERANCE PROBLEM. “Thold here,” said he, ‘ta solution of the le temperance problem.” He held in hi: hand at Ia glass, which seemed to contain a solution of gin and sugar. ** I mean,” said he, “Thold in my hand the idea which will un- ravel all the intricacies of constitutional law, lead the world to sobriety, and enrich the coffers of my country. | for the old party. Here he drank the gin and coughed paren- thetically. We gave him daily coupons and each daily coupon with ten numbers to be punched out by the barkeeper, will cost $30 annually and en- title the inebriate to ten daily drinks at any bar if he can pay for them. The moderate drinker's license, with the same daily coupons and three num- bers in each, will entitle the holder to three drink: per diem when he hol the collateral, A mere onstitutional license, with a daily coupon of one bit- ters, will cost only $5 per annum. As a man ad- vances from the mere con- stitutional to the moderate and from the moderate to the inebriate, he can change and the increase will inure to the munic pal advantage and create asurplus. I see you smile at an apparent weakness in = oars my plan. I seem to have forgotten the cer- | present. Thus the abstemious man w tain periodical jamboree, when the limits of | perennial fountain of hope to the irregular the coupons would seem to restrain the more | absorber of fluids, Thus also the righ festive and jocund tear, and when the operator | American citizen would be always respected.” would seek to become as budgey as the far-| ‘As how?" we inquired. famed boiled owl. Ah! here comes ina fine| “The policeman finding a man in a coma. touch of sociability, as when a smoker yields | tose state in a secluded spot in a park or coa!- his cigar to ignite the odorous fumigator of | box would simply turn him over, find his the Bowery. Imagine a gentleman whose | license and leave him to his dreams, The pal- daily coupon was riddled by the punch and | ladium of his liberties would guard his stertor- who had heard that his district had gone solid | ous sleep. The onus of responsibility would He, wishing to celebrate, | be at the right end of the lever. See? When would look around fora man whose mother- the nocturni) howl would ravish the ear of in-law had come to town and whose license | night the license would silence criticism. In the was two days in arrears. He would borrow it language of the street we ask, do you catch on?” and catch it up promptly with the teeming We guzed on this intelligent face, lighted up with the gleam of intellect SOMETHING IN THE WIND. “Twonder what deviltry that young fellow has been up to!" (When he disc: vers the attachment to the tail of his coat, his won- derment ceases: but, goodnexs! how he swears !” the grand hailing sign of patience by nodding affirm: atively, and he resumed: Who is most interested in the question? The sa- loon? No. The’state? No. The reformer? Ni then is the king-pin, 80 to “a e us, the cen- |. tral sun of the whole bibu- | lous system? Why, the inebria We nodded again, and he resumed: “Prohibition, high li- option, all wane ance beside lous idea which | nd groans in my brain. I have the idea which will solve the gigan- tic rebus of temperance, and Teall it the ‘ personal license bill.’ Here he looked at the bar and shook a bunch of trunk-keys in his pocket; but we did not take the hint, so he resumed: “The mental corrusca- cation which I call the per- Sonal license bill will work as follows: Every man who desires to drink will | take out a license. An in- ebriate’s license, with 365 ! ‘Now that the beautiful month of May has come with its attendant train of lux- uriant flowers, I envy your lot out there in the country. Ican imagine you roaming over the shady road and grassy meadows, drawing life and health from the warm rays of the unclouded sun. . i (The above represents Zeke going to the village for Bob's letter.) and a fiery nose, and asked, “What is the name of that man who originated this ingenious solution of a great problem? It should stand in history forever.” “William = Wellington Weatherwax of White Plains, and if I ever drink it is about”—— “Forgive us; and that plan would forever bar the | social custom of treating. It is sad. Farewell, great soul! I had thought of in- ting you by offering a drink.” And we dreamily loafed away into the night. THE OLD PROFESSOR. A COUNTRY IDYL DISSIPATED. HIS FIRST GLANCE, Landlady—* This is the only room in. the. house I have vacant.” Prospective, boarder — “Who occupied it last?” Landlady—-'' A student by the name of Brown.” Prospective boarder — “Ah! so this was a Brown study was itt” [An extract from Cousin Bob's letter to Cousin Zeke.) The minister would have no one believe that the devil is an offensive partisan. oe een Lucky fellow.