Judge — December 4, 1886 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Suape: HE REFORM COAT. Ala Mikado, ‘A certain party (just arrives) is trying on each day A coat that will not fit, a coat that will not fit, And why the tailor wastes his time we really can- not say, For he'll never manage nell never manage it. He will not change a single seam, nor alter this or that, ‘And 50 the coat’s a-bagging, and it simply “floors him flat” ; ll does he reiterate And for the party’s mild complaints he doesn't givea—dime. And 60, unless he gives his vote at midnight in a dark cellar it makes no deefrance. Der country vas safe all der time. Brinceeple vas all gone. Uf you vote one barty or anunder, von you come out for der same hole in der fence oder you know it or not. Dot oxcitement unt speeches, unt prass bands—say uf I got some stale peer you see me pump it like der tuyvel to make it foum unt holt der glass avay down py der floor, unt don't you forgot it, I makes an issue mit wind, aint it?” I nodded and Strauss continued. “ Dere vas only two kints of men in bolitics— de mans dat buys votes unt der mans dot sells votes, unt dey both got sheated like der tuyvel.” ‘Ah, you are too hard now, Strauss,” I said. ‘There are good men in all parties who vote from principie.” “Dem don’t count,” said Strauss. ‘You buy ten pounds of sugar how much you got to pay for der prown paper unt string ?” “Why, nothing, of course,” I replied. “Oxectly, unt dem good brinceeple fellers life to reconstructing it, He'll never make it fit, he'll never make it fit. As on a certain day it chanced a victim should be found On whom this coat could sit, on whom this coat could sit. He met a certain party that was searching all around, To find a coat to fit, to find a coat to fit. He “took” the party “in,” and made it wear the coat aslant! And every day he tries to make it fit, but oh, he can't! He jerks it up and jerks it down, and stretches left and right, But still somewhere it is too loose, and somewhere else too tight ; ‘And everybody knows quite well he cannot manage it, For ‘twill never, never fit, ‘twill never, never fit ! GABE MULLION, STRAUSS ON POLITICS. Strauss nad laid away the rag with which he had wiped his bar, and was leaning back contemplat ng the photograph of his friend who had recently been elected to represent his sistrict in the assembly. He, m an absent-minded manner, pushed back the lunch-plate of bolo na and_-glossy, tired- looking crackers as he heard my step. “Ah, vos dot you? Come mit me unt sce dot bortrait. Dot man he got grazy for an office. His friends could not safe him efery way dey vill try. You see in dose bicture he is try to look like Bismarck on der cigar boxes. He got alretty his hand in his vest like you seen Henry Clay ven he signed der declaration of emancipation, aind it? He got his lofty brow leaning on his hand lise Cheneral Lee at der baddle of der Wilderness. I see aber { look at dot bicture dot mine friend is du nple to der bolitical racket.” “He is proud probably, that he is elected,” I suggested. “Yah, you baed he is broud. Der poys vus trunk so long dot he sets ‘em oop, und shlap him on der back till dey knock his outsides all | inwards. Unt dot vas glory, aind it? I radder been a triver on a bob | tai: horses cars.” “You are not an admirer of pohttics, I see, Strauss,” I remarked. “Uf you vant to buy som:dings so dot you aint catch cold in your mout talkin’ so much, den I gii you my views unt I aint swear it off ven you brint it in der noosepaper. By chiminy, I aint hear dot money drawer ring so long ago it got proke meppe.” “Ah, excuse me, Have a cigar, Strauss? One of your own? Thanks. “ Bolitics,” said Strauss, as he pulled fiercely at one of his own habanas, ‘‘ vas a drade yoost like any oder drade. Uf you dond belief it you ask dem fellers dot got draded off for Hewitt.” I nodded and he resumed. vas yoost prown paper unt string to carry — home sugar forder boliticians. You lisden to Dey vas trowed in like advertising cards to blease mine ophicleide. der shildren.” “You take a dark view of politics, Strauss. You forget that aman must be true to his constituents,” I said. “Vas ist dasconstootiwince ? You mean dem fellers dot elect him?” “Yes, he must regard the wants of the party that elected him.” “Ha, ha, ha!” laughed Strauss. ‘Dot's all right. You baed he been drue to his constootiwince den. Uf a man’s bocketbook been his constootiwince, he been drue to it effery time, mine friend, ha, ha, ha.” “You are bitter, Strauss, very bitter on the subject of politics.” “Mine frient, you see dot shlate. You see mine dog Keyser all proke oop. Ycu see Lowesa in der pack room mit der cerebro mental spiningitis. Dots all dem election oxcidements, unt I furnish der peer for der whole ward. VotI got? I got oxperience. dat’s vot I got. Dem bromise me an office on der shtaff of der bostmaster-sheneral mit ahorse to ride. Py chiminy! [ain't seen von of dem boliticians since dey vas kick oud my vinders election night. I got lager peer unt sweit- zer-case unt bologna unt pretzels, unt now I got oxperience. Dis peeu der shop for all dem articles. Goot night.” | THE OLD PROFESSOR. UNCALLED FOR. Rupe Boy—‘'I say, mister, that calf of yourn is so weak and thin that you'll be arrested for exposin’ bob veal if the health “‘Nopody got any vot you call issue. Nein, uf you vas plind unt board should happen to come along.”