Judge, 1886-08-14 · page 11 of 16
Judge — August 14, 1886 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces of satirical content: **"Absence Conquers Love"** (poem): A sentimental verse about romantic love fading with prolonged separation, eventually dissolving entirely—a commentary on the transience of human affection. **"Our Mary Ann"**: A humorous sketch of a young immigrant woman newly arrived in America. The piece satirizes both her childlike simplicity and the casual neglect she receives from her host family. She's portrayed as remarkably resilient and good-natured despite being treated almost like furniture—stepped on, left alone, and fed carelessly. The satire targets both immigrant vulnerability and American household indifference. **"A Quack's Gall"**: A doctor-patient exchange mocking medical quackery. A charlatan selling fake "vegetable pills" defends his fraudulent product by arguing peas are vegetables—absurd logic used to expose patent medicine con artists, a common Judge target during this era of unregulated pharmaceuticals. The page reflects Progressive-era concerns: immigration integration, medical fraud, and romantic disillusionment.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Mages “ ABSENCE CONQUERS LOVE” First, when I went away, She wept each long, long day. ‘As time went slowly by She took a weekly cry. My absence longer grew ; Then once a month would do. And now just once a year For me she drops a tear. A year, that pearl may be Dissolved by time's decree. Then joy my heart receives That she no longer grieves. GEO. BIRDSEYE, OUR MARY ANN. We have a young lady at our house known to us as Mary Ann. She has been in the country only ten months and consequently can’t vote even on the school question. She brought no luggage with her, and unfortunately missed herchance to smuggle through the custom house and sue the government after- ward for overcharges. She arrived last summer (with a little aid judi- ciously extended), and I have the impression, though she has not yet said anything on the subject, that she means to settle down with usand i. Zoldstein, I haf sad news for you. BY THE SAD SEA WAVES. ‘in Gott, dot is terriple! Your vife wentured out too far unt dey can't find her pody I” Did she wear her tiamonds?" grow up with thecountry. In gamin phrase, Mary Ann has asoft snap. She's not only as happy as the day is long—she’s as happy as the day and night combined. She can give adromedary points on going without drink and then beat him. She can bend backwards until her head and heels meet, as if spring was her name and india rubber her nature. She’sas pa- tientasa fisherman who catches no fish and gets hisonly bites from mosquitos. She never cries ; because crying is no fit medium for such as she. When left unattended for hours, she re- minds the commissary department by one in- of a swift-running pulley when too long neg- lected by the oil man. At last she is picked up, all smiles, and after the regulation allowance is put in the high chair just as any tough char acter is put in jail. Here she crows and talks to her fingers in baby Choctaw, until her eyes fill up with sand; then she nods over the chair- arm like an old man over his newspaper or after- dinner pipe. Sweet, innocent, patient Mary Ann! Some- times she is thrown on the floor, as if such an inexpensive article as she A QUACK’S GALL. , Quack—“ Swindler? Patient. ing but peas colored.” Quack—“ Well, ain't peas a vegetable? What's eating yer?” is never would be missed. If she happens to alight on her back, she kicks at the air like a patent wind- mill; and if on her What do you mean by calli “Them ere pills you sold me for vegetable pills be noth- | stomach she industriously | starts out to swim across the room. But, like Jim Smiley's frog after hehad absorbed a handful of shot, shestaysin one spot |as if nailed there. The other children in their reckless play fall oves her two ata time, and notin- frequently she is honored by being stepped on. | Then she laughs the more |—thinking it a necessary part of the game ! Of late she has gone into the not | very rapid transit business | of working herself across the room backwards. |When she gets to one corner she is sent over the route again by aiming her feet at the opposite corner; and so she regularly makes her ferry trips, with now and then a col- lision against a chair, or an occasional stoppage to take on cargo. The male idiot in whose name were me that ?” dignant screech—something after the fashion | filed her articles of incorporation stuffs her to the chin with cracker feed, as if she were a fowl to be fattened for the market. | When he gets through with her she hasn’t a single vacancy left on her premises—mouth, nose and eyes chock full! I believe he’s what they call a handy man. But Mary Ann never kicks about a little surplus in her treasury like that. Not much. EDWARD DUFFY. OLD CHOCOLATE’S TARGET PRACTICE. Hit and Miss Shots, with Now and Then a Bullseye, De wickedes’ dog ull wag ‘is tail. A lazy mule am bettah en a balky hoss. De faddah scrimps an’ de son am prodigal. Yo’ borrah a dollah, an’ twell cost yo’ two. Sometimes hit takes a club toe make peace. Let Petah tell ‘is sto'y befo’ yo’ decide fo’ Paul. De anvil am beaten, but hit ull outlas’ de hammah. No use askin’ de henhawk wot he stole dat chicken fo’. Yo’ kin drink ez satisfyin’ outen a brook ez outen a ribbah. De greates’ man am li’ble toe be pleas’ wid de smallest trinket. De minnit yo’ git anxyos, de oddah man doan’ want toe trade, Dar er many men loike the mule w'at lef’ ’is oats toe nibble thistles. De man dat watches fo’ de dog outside am ez guilty ez de one in de melon patch. Dar er toe much char'ty in dis wol’ ob dekin’ dat begins an’ en’s wid ‘‘ De Lawd he'pde po’.” De man brave ‘nuff toe go toe wah hab got a license toe lie abo’t ‘is battles w’en he gits home. J. A, WALDRON, The man who borrows never wants to lend. Prof. Doremus on Toilet Soaps: that a ed that a PERYECLLY pure soap, may be “Ea Belle tottet have demonstrat Biliy la geReaT NS cmatent of your ure Bint f a Bap ther dey ahuterated efit Cuas. & Hioorss’s “La Betz” Lote ehsnid Boar, os made tom cholate, with sary rent Geeta i tuy Sayeed Yee Fain ata Taran comicbooks.com