Judge — May 1, 1886 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

6 divers thumb and finger impressions. yo’ jine, sah?” Old Chocolate, with no tinge of regret in his tone, replied ‘‘Nussah,” and remarked: “Gem'n, yo' er on de wrong track. Efdarer anyt'ing dat dis kentry er got a glut ob, hit er secret s'cieties. We heah a pow’ful lot ob de haad times caus’ by suspension ob de silvah coinage one yah an’ fros'-bitten crops de nex’, but de secret s'ciety epidemic we has wid usall de time. De mo’ myster'us de name ob de s'ciety de mo’ quick hit gits up on hits feet an’ shows hits regalia. De secret s'ciety fills a long felt want wid people w'o er fon’ ob titles and honahs an’ can't git um no oddah way. A man dat can’t git a nomination fo’ aldah- man rushes intoe de Independent Awdah ob Disciples ob de Risin’ Sunan’ in a week de fifteen er twenty people dat b'long toe hit shake han’s wid ‘im wid a fancy grip dat waams de cockles ob his haat ¢n’ call ‘im Mos’ Potent an’ Worshipful Keeper ob de Do’ er Gran’ an’ Regnant Custodian ob de Key, an’ ef he kin pay ‘is monthly dues long ‘nuff he ull bimeby git toe be called Sublime and August Rulah ob de Roost. All diser pleasant toe a man dat er called Pete, er Jim, er Mose on de street by people w'o know dat er ‘is name, and w’o er also awah dat he drives a truck fer a libbin’ er mixes mortah w’en he kin gita job. De mo’ a man w’o can’t git a grip on honahs er wealth in de hustle an’ bustle ob life heahs ‘isse'f called by big names in a lodge de mo’ lodges he desiahs fo’ toe git intoe. Hit er laik drink an’ tobacco—de mo’ yo’ tas’e hit de mo* yo’ hankah—an’ de avridge man dat b'longs toe half a dozen bod; ull let ‘is chillen go bar'foot an’ make is wife tu'n las’ yah’s dres: jis’ so he kin scrape ‘nuff tergeddah toe pay ‘is dues. Gem'n, dar a'n't but a mighty few cullud men in dis wa'd dat kin git num- bah one mac'krel toe eat er weah shoes dat doan’ need half solein’ an’ heelin’ mos’ ob de time. Ef yo kin conger up any scheme by “Will SIGNS OF THE TIMES. JUDGE. wich dairdues mus'n't! be paid an regalia kin be pu'chas'don tick,an’ yo’ kin fin’ a baan toc, meet in, ‘De Wigwam od de Refulgentan’ In- depndent Awdah ob Prophets ob Peace an’ Truth’ may be able fo" to awgenize. Oddah- wise you is playin’ wid wiat I calls a kimer- As Old Chocolate! shuffled out of the| grocery, with two or three whom he had converted in his wake, the Hon. Welcome| Jones, in adazed way, conned the pages of a pocket dictionary. He was looking for “‘chimerical” among the K's. J. A. WALDRON. DOING WELL. Mrs.Grapy (through the hole in the back fence) —“ An" how's) yer son, Moike, ez wint | | wist fur his health, | gittin’ along ‘at-all at: all?” | Mrs, O'BRIEN (tak- ing the clothes-pin out of her mouth)-‘‘Splin- did, me dear, splin did. He must be git- ft in’ sthrong es an ox, | Fujane fur he's jist sint meal goat uv th’ he’s been after holding |_ Hould yur jaw, Mrs. Whalen. fur he t Callahans was’afther aitin ghreen posthers yisterday, an’ it's litter in which he sez| goin’ ter the wake we are! Mrs, WaaLes—* Whirra! Whirra! Jimmy, an phat are yes doin’ wid That black and phwite nanny be hisself too, moind ye.” BREWSTER—HOW HE GETS EVEN. “See here,” said Brewster, ‘‘I’m in trouble, and I want the help of that paper you write for. You know how I hate all these slammed monopolies. Well, one of them beat me out of fifteen cents yesterday, and I haven't had a wink of sleep since. Remorse, you know— mental anguish! “It was this way, I wanted to go down town from the Cooper Institute, and hurried up tocatch the Third avenue elevated. The train was at the platform when I got to the top of the stairs. I had my gloves and cane in my hand, and my head full of enterprise. I threw down a quarter, and the calm young man at the glass hole disturbed himself slowly to re- turn the change. I grabbed the ticket, put it between my teeth, and scooped up the fifteen cents, ThenI made for that train. But, when I reached the ticket-box, time was so precious that I threw in the fifteen cents, and kept the ticket in my mouth. Absent-minded? Oh, no; but you wouldn't have a New York man wait for anything, would you? Well, I boarded the train just as the brakeman shut the gate in my face, and just as the box-tender collared me for the ticket. Lord! Wasn't I then I tried to compromise with the ticket- man and the teller of the inside bank. It wouldn't work. Both had their rules, they said. The one couldn't refund, and the other mad? First I used a few western phrases, and | up a stage in the Rucky mountains, an’ aul | couldn't let me by without taking the ticket. Icould apply to the office down town, and get the rebate. Yes, and the fellows down there know me, and I know the directors. If they should hear of it, what a picnic they would have at the expense of an active anti- monopolist! “No, sir,” continued Brewster, ‘there's only oneone way to get square. You go ahead and write up my misfortune for the JupoE. The item will pay a dollar or two and then you treat. That will fetch me back my fifteen | cents in good liquid value, and the little story will be a beacon to the public. The next gen- tleman on his fiery way to the train will be warned against my example, and guarded against my bitter retrospections. I am an American citizen, and still I got left. Monop- oly saton me. But he came down on a tack with the point up. That kind of a tack has lots of recuperative vital: J. JAW. THE WAY OF THE WORLD. Casuter (handing back the check)—‘ Can't cash this, sir, until you're identified.” Brown (contemptuously)—‘* Do you think I'd cheat you for a small amount like that?” Caster (shrugging his shoulders)—** Can't say. We've been taken in so often that 1 gard every man as a rogue until I know other- wise.” Brown (in a huff)—‘‘ Perhaps that's human nature, but it seems to me that a bank cashier should be the last person in the world to sus- pect another of dishonesty.” comicbooks.com