Judge — January 2, 1886 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

War's Realities. “Tt’s kinder peculiar-like,” said Uncle Josiah Windlass, ‘* how long some men live in a comparatively few year, ‘T’other day Bill Davis said he hed fit all through the Mexi- can war.‘ Was present,’ he the C of greater apectacl rades 0’ now-a-da xico.” — le "lowd "twas a than most o’ the circus pa- iineral Scott,’ he went on, * was cially fer the Yeasion. ‘Tuck ys an’ parts 0” the same number o’ nights to complete his toilet. Durin’ thet time the .\merican army ted with stacked arms on the outside 0” the city, an’ the Mexican soldiery postponed their panicky retreat fer the same length o” tim Finally everythin’ was got in_readi- uess, one fine mornin’, an’ the, Gineral, bein’ helped onto his ragin’ steed by his en- tire staff an’ seven orderlics, drew his fresh- ground sword, an’ wavin’ it over his head gave a whoop 0’ defiance to ole Santy Anr on her side o” the wall, an’ then ordered the band to play an’ the procession to ad- vance.” Now, Bill on’y claims to be forty year old. I said to ’im: “ «Bill, was ye in a uniform o long or short clothes durin’ thet campaign?’ “*TTay?? said he. * Did ye draw yer rations from the gov- | ernment direct, er indirect through the me- | dium of a wet-nurse?’ | “* What nell ye mean? Do ye want to/| ’spute my word?” + ¢ Bill,’ says I, “I hev the greatest re- spect on earth fer yer word when properly substantiated, an’ also considerable fer yer family, yer mother-in-law included. But | there are other things to be thought of. Dates, fer instants, Bill, must not be entire- ly neglected er monkied with, like. ‘They | hey some rights which even the most worldly | liar should learn to respect. ‘This thing 0” | jumblin’ up the ages, eorter, into a shape- less mass, till ye can’t tell t’other from | which, is not only a great wrong to said ages, but is apt to lead on an’ on into inevitable cha n’ slight _misunderstandin’s. ‘There- | fore, hoary-headed but vigorous dates inter- | fering with the otherwise smooth current of your statement, I shall hev to decline takin’ stock in it, otherwise thanas a airy structure reared by yer noiseless-runnin’, double-action brain—er simply as wind. — In thet light it will be entirely agrceable, an’ interestin’ even y you was with Casar at—er, thet poleon at—er, that other place, er Jram-major of the N. Y. Seventh rade. But with yer mind’s ey hould never lose sight 0 the on dre neverthless, ye fact that dates, bein’ mostly figgers, won’t lie.” « * Now, Bill,’ I continued, ‘I could also find fault with what o’ the pomp an’ circum I won’t; on’y givin’ ye ence o’ the general re «Twas never engaged in any war, ex- cept our own home-made article of a few years back. I refrained from goin’ into thet as long as possible. Not that I did not sym- pathise with an’ love my country; but ’t was the danger to be incurred of gittin’ hurt. But finally I went out with a regimint of one-hundied-day-men fer the purpose of closin’ the thing up, thinkin’ it had run long enough. ‘Che government not wishin’ us to soil our bran-new uniforms at the hot, dusty ns to be your idees nee o’ war, = But little o’ my experi- ities o” it,’ front, er fer some other reason, sent some 0’ | to me and I'll be a mother to you.” as he'd a hed the least idce thet war was an » Colonel an’ other brother officers will thin’ like this, he'd a-quit the law | y give me their ardin’ the ques- | afore an’ went into it body an’ soul.’ tion before the meetin’, to oifer some rema now where I didn’t make cents at hom the victuals Twa orderly entered our quarters an’ nervously theme, w sti u he wouldn’t put it “¢Gentlemen,’ said the Colonel, ‘the | supply o’ tracts,’ ” Uncle Josiah Relates of His Experience of | the ragged, weather-beaten veterans there, | outlook is certainly an’ installed usin their comfortable quarters. | forlornly attempt to This fort was ve | so far as bein’ re tle ar: settled, unromantic locality. Well, things “¢ Major Bunkles here went on as well as could b s we all hed more an’ better sid, ‘an’ pare got at home, an’ the drillin’ an” so on was“ * What ’s needed on these ‘eas ticipated fully in the grand entrance into ginerally Gone by the nigger-waiters in the he, ‘is not recklers promptness, nor too 5 camp. Our Colonei tole me one d: ted thet the enemy were approachin’, | direction o’ the howitzers.” fter | Colonel Whildins remarked feelingly to the |‘ * What was thet order! “ «Couldn't ye a-kept this to yourself till | der, tougher felle after dinner? | “*T thought o’ thet,’ said he, ‘but they’re | ry, we diskivered thet some o’ the men hed gittin’ so might “« «T)—do the 5 will we resist the comfortably situated in| invaders, er will we take to the cool, shay note from the immejit bat- woods in the immejit backgrounn o’ the y, but otherwise it was a barren, un- | fort?’ rose an’ § he ieved the question needed time fer con- | | rub ’an we | sideration, expected, seci b thet if mu h premature despatch. I will endeavor, «*Why,’ said he, ‘T’m makin’ dollars an’ suggestions which’ I b'lieve will cover an’ most 0’ the ground, an’ also tend to shed abroad—Ouch olly! murder!” | erall.| ‘*What caused the Major to thus sud- || that a dently an’ abruptly break off an’ change his || a tremendous explosion in the | | is much better an’ c! «+ But suddently a change came o in the midst 0’ dinner one we breathlessly asked ded by a couple o” the ol- , we finally left the offi- cer’s quarters, an’ on carcful, discreet inqui- one another. — Ie My appetite is gone.’ 3 they're in sight.” actually pinted an’ fired off one 0? them big, em bent on disturbin’) rusty cannons towards the approaching foe, which hed immejitly disappe It after: id he didn’t know, but | wards turned out thet it no foe et all; ast ‘em.’ on’y a Methodist preacher bringin’ usa fresh «The orderly s A SPANKING SUBSTITUTE. “And so you have no mother now?” “No, mum.” N— Well, me boy, whenever you feel the want of a good licking, come BISBEE. | Mrs. Mctiicas MoTHERLESS Boy Mrs. Mciuic — | comicbooks.com