Judge — January 2, 1886 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 ie (;: ee oe ings or anyding vot habbens to peen mitin | reach, und leetle girls, fife und sex year olt, helb keeb der oxcidement up—for fear der prakeman should dink der vorlt hat grown suddently colt; yah, und lest dem should dink some vimmen no longer forgot desuns morality, marritile vows und der value of keebing von’s own nest sveet und clean at sight of a uniform und prass puttons. ** Really, if you could see der flirting in Prooklyn, you vould feel gwide at home on der elefated rot It beads der chenuwine ding in Nye Yorick.” Direlict in His Duty. you know where “Ancient Librarian—* John, do you the seven volumes of have gone?” ir; can’t think,” ibrarian—"* Were there any suspicious | persons in this morning? Assistant—* Um—let me There were four clergymen and a couple of tramps in, but— Librarian—* Did you examine the cler- clergymen as they went out. see. His Greatest Effort Prevented. Hobson—* Your husband’s death made a very profound impression on me, my dear Mrs. Rusk. I loved John and I think John loved me. ‘The world has lost a good man, and the min bright light.” Mrs. Ru “Oh, it does seem so hard to bear; and then you know John was prepar- tng for the atest effort of his life.” | | Hobson—** We cannot explain th | things, Mrs. Rusk, but we must admit that \ a wise Providence governs it all.” Canonically Concocted by a Wretched | Writer. makes ‘em call this y dear, he’s a great What is he, a twelve pounder?” | o, my son, he’s a pulpit poun- | der.” “What kind of a fuse goes with hin “1s generally a re-fuse, unless the lecture committee can e the wind,” ow mak. “A flash of eloquence, now and then.” “And does he go off with a boom?” | Well, if he’s any like the itin- erent Englishmen, he won't go off | till his boom dies away.” t kind of a flash does he RM. I Waltz. Asa waltzist Iam not a howling success. During my brief career upon this revolu- tionary sphere I have been so lucky as to perform several things in a highly creditable manner. Ido not say this out of conceit. What I did the papers made due mention of —and I settled the bills at the usual rates for such matter, Once I performed so suc- cessfully that the editor who mentioned the matter, put it in among his police items, and was kind enough not to send me a bill. A friend bailed me out. I once made an attack on on editor for printing something hanghty about a yellow dog of mine. My friends, who were there, said I was so mag nanimous as to escape around the corner in- stead of pulverizing the knight of the quill, as I intended todo. It was a lucky circum- stance that my friends didn’t witness the termination of the affair, which took place in a dark alley. A dark alley isa mighty unpleasant place to exercise the manly art of self-defense, especially if the object of one’s onslaught is more of an adept in said art. I didn’t want to waltz. No man wants to waltz, for the first time, ank pose as the cynosure of half a hundred of eres, and most of them welling blue eyes or shy seal-brown ey As a long metre specimen of the homo sum, I ran mostly to feet. Natire was not chary with pedals when she presented me with that pair of feet. I never saw but one other pair to match them. I was reclining in a barber chair, and after the knight of the follering razor | and oily gift of gab had trimmed my whis kere, he asked me to look in the glass and | see if I was all right. He also mentioned | confidentially that I perhaps could see more Syapatiizine CrtizeN. Enox-nvep Pensos (just rescued from watery grave)— | dregfut wet, bore! RTAINLY, “Hone do you feel now, Dregul wet! of my Grecian cast of counte: remove my hoofs from the foot-stool. I have never patronized that barber since. I didn’t want to waltz. I pleaded giddiness. ‘The sylph-like maid who had taken upon her pretty, dimpled shoulders the task, viz: of learning me to aid that we could reverse the step; she also added that a slight degree of giddi- ness was what added intoxication to the dance. I presume that is why emotional paragraphers fling the chestnut at us—* The giddy waltz.’ A ‘te low, one whom I trusted, said that rock-and-rye was not intoxicating. I believed him fully. Since that memorable ion Ihave Jost all faith inn pertaining to liquitied hades in a sac form. I didn’t want to waltz. But the golden-haired daughter of a bloated bond-holder said all the gentlemen of note waltzed. I know gentlemen who hold my note. ‘They don’t waltz, She may nt a different class. aned negligently against a column ing down at the dainty siren, noting the alabaster hue of her frescoed brow I cogitat- ed deeply. If I must enter society through the front facade, 1 must waltz. Perhaps I will be kicked off the rear stoop after I have waltzed. The band played The Blue Dan- ube. The Blue Danube has won many a Poor devil's feet from the right path. ‘The Blue Danube holds its own pretty well as a successful rival against the faro chip or champagne glass, and—but I didn’t start out to preach a sermon, I didn’t want to waltz. Bat I did. Those gentle eyes jus their pleading. arine bewitched me with It was an acute cataplasm of drawn-out sugar, honey, musky breath my Jrend. nce if I would | unkind | Making the Ends Meet. ” asked “What ails your ¢ the land-lady of the medi boar- der, who med to be absorbed in studying the anatomy of his dinner. “T think ossification has set in,” was the reply. “ Well, its pretty ighed the hos to pinch and serub, anc to get alon chow to make hard seratch- “T have Maneuvre | but I man- the ends “Ah, well,” re ied the boarder, | holding the chop on_his fork for closer Inspection, ** Now you of it, I suppose the ends but the trouble is that the thing is nearly all middl THe pairy propvcts of the country are worth 140 millions per annum more than the cotton crop. | So much for the invention of oleo- ‘ margerine and cork corsets. Feel and cardemon seeds, It was. a waltz that || drew every eye and paralyzed the band, stop- | ping the street cars and raising the tide. I | | never waltzed so much in two minutes dur- ing all my life. When kind hands disen- tangled me from the shy girl who wanted me to waltz, I just raised my voice in loud lamentations and took an oath r to do ve been intoxicated before. A. 8, KELLER. Dum Tacent Clamant. | Lilly Devereaux Blake vociferates that woman is ‘the silent sex.” Some weak men call them * the silly sex.” Probably, | | | us usual, neither radical is right, || —- | | In the Furnishing Store. | Shame-faced Shopper—“ Have you any knit limbings, } Sardonic Sules-lady—“Yes, ma'am, fourth counter below you will find them without legit.” “VALE. | The old year is a monster flerce and grim, The new year isa maiden fair to see, I gladly turn to her, away from Asat the door she lingers tim oY, ly. , Vm re you cannot st You grew so bold and wicked in The debts, the sprees, the winding way You led me in, still rankle in my bi 80, fare you well! TH wish you, as T ne'er shall s Old Time has clutched with bis deadly gr' And started you en route for Pluto's shore, AMD A comfortable trip ‘ou me eC; comicbooks.com