Judge — October 10, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THE TERRIBLE TRAMP. “If they don't make their bread lighter in this place, 1'U demand cake extusirely Queer Quibbles. BY “JEP, JOSsYN.” A bird that seldom sings—The gallows bird, after conviction. hand racy "—The Lorrillards. (The is omit ed; their ranning horses do all the rear-ing.) The cowboy’s life on the cattle-plains must be a very check-herd one. * Before I ‘Turn The Inside Rascals Out,” And place you in their steads—now donot pout— I must go slow and know what I'm about.” Quoth Cleveland, ‘mid an office-se w Grover C., just tell us what's the sense Of keeping us so long in this suspense? + Because I've found by past experi Through haste I The astronomer’s motto— Look Aloft.”” rs‘ din; Put some outside rascals in'.” Tow does an old cracked and_ fractured | penny resemble a policeman dishonorably discharged from the force? ‘To the extent | that both are ‘‘ broken ‘ coppers ’.”” “Spell a. certain island backwards that | the cable dispatches have recently made no- torious, and then govern yourself accord- ingly, and you can have all the further t you want,” said a merchant to « cus- tomer who had failed to settle his old ac- | count, “What island is that?” “Yap.” A baby’s like the musketry Of regiments in battle, Because (now please don't “ Chestnuts " yell, It has its noisy rattle. Not confirmed in the church—A confirmed inebriate. “This is what I call suffering ‘ Capital punishment’,” said the boy whose school- teacher made him correct a composition wherein he had begun all his sentences with small letters. ‘THE VISITING ENGLISH ELEVEN, Since days of old, Did Britons hold O'er cricket fullest sway; “Till they were “* bowled” And “batted " cold In Phila-del-phi TRAVAIL, Susceptible girl— (All girls are susceptible I'd have you to know) With golden tress— (For tresses ure glinted with golden glow.) Rills that purl— wouldn't go purling! ) aids in dresses are furlit the brook— a notion to swim, Tough outlook (A bull hovers near to the rill, oh, me!) “Thours’n‘alf— time under the willows dumb.) to laugh she crawls out wrink’ed like a wash- woman's thumb.) KEL. The ass is supposed to be the divinity at presides over all such as differ from self in opinion or politics, Why this should be so, we cannot say. Nor can an | one. It is a stupid, an unreasonable idea. From time immemorial the ass has been vili- fied. The whole human race blackguard him and jeer him. They will not allow he has any good points about him. What are the solid facts about the ass. In appearance he is better than the average. But men will not see this. They lay hold of his ears and ridicule them for being long. A hare in proportion to its size has ears ten times as lene, yet no one abuses the hare. A rabbit, if his cars drag on the sidewalk, as he lops along, wins prizes for their length. If fe doesn’t get a prize he escapes anathemas, ‘Then an ass’s voice, which n amateur tenor’s and not nearly so 3 the average variety show low come- v's, is vituperated. Men sneer at him Why shouldn't he eat ad for eating thistles, is no worse | | them Who wants the blamed thistles? ‘They are no good to you and not much use to the soil. Farmers will pay men for root- ing up thistles, yet when a heaven made machine comes crunching along and eats them up, seeds, stem, root and branches, he is called stupid and sworn at with aclub, | This shows the folly of making oneself too cheap. If that ass were tocharge a farmer two dollars a day he would be better thought of. He would get letters patent from W: ington, become wealthy and get his arrival and departure published in the society journals by subscribing for the usual num- ber of copies. Then fault is found with him on account of the thickness of his hid Its thickness is his salvation. ‘The only lucky thing about him, But there is one thing above all others that breaks the spirit of every living ass, and gives him that tearful look he can- not get without. Every other animal, without exception, that takes it into his head tosee his children can generally recognize them. Bears beget bears, dogs, dogs, but the unfortunate ass, disappointed in this, as in most else, goes to see his offspring and is introduced to some stupid muleish looking beast, whereby his chances of ever being a grandfather are crushed and his temper soured. Then the ass is always expected to work longer and eat less than any brute of his size. Accustomed to ill-treatment.and bad food, kindness kills him, Sterne, the only man known to have been kind to an ass, | killed one with a macaroon—anyway that is the inference to be draw from his writings (as in one page he gives an ass a biscuit and in the next snivels over its dead body). When one thinks of the work an ass docs, the treatment he gets, his working ninetcen hours a day, then turned out on the beach to graze on the sand, and drink from the ocean, it is not to be wondered at if he kicks, In our opinion he would be a very stupid ass if he didn’t kick. COOL HINT. City Visitor—ZJf it gets much colder here, I will return to the city.” Fans Boy—* Well, mother would drive you back,” was saying nothing but Jack Frost comicbooks.com