Judge — September 19, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE DEATH OF CICERO; on THE TWO HEROINES. BY I, ELLIOT MCBRIDE. Jacobina Higgins was as beautiful as the dream of a newsboy in the shade of a board pile at the close of a hazy autumnday. She played on the piano, the guitar and the jewsharp. She lived in the parlor, and it was but seldom that she lowered herself in her own estimation by entering the kitchen or the woodshed. She didn’t care for mother now; she didn’t care for father now; she cared only for herself. She loved to read novels and romances, and one night, feeling somewhat fatigued she laid herself down upon her downy couch and proceeded to read the terrifying and hair-raising tale of ‘Ihe Bloody Butcher Knife.” In one hand she held the book, in the other hand she held a tallow dip. It might be the days of kerosine oil. Jacobina arrived at a dull place in the “ Bloody Butcher knife ”—for it hadn’t been ground for a few days—and as she had been sitting up the two previous nights with her beau, she grew drowsy. She gently slipped off into the land of dreams and the candle gently tumbled o’er and set fire to the downy pillow. A lively scene ensued, —Jacobina dropped the ‘ Bloody Butcher Knife” and then she jumped and screamed. After which she seized a crazy quilt, swooped down upon the roaring flames and flattened them out. The hullalaboo brought into the room her mother, her little brother, Tom, and the black dog with the white ear. Then the mother asked the following id in explanation that this was before ‘THE JUDGE. 5 atthe end. Which, you know, was strictly | lasting racket debating the question as to correct and in accordance with the rules of | whether Katy did or Katy didn’t break the | grammar. bottle. “What caused the fire?” Susannah Hopplecopper was a noble Jacobina answered, ‘I think it was caused | girl. by the # pluribus unum of the candle. I |” And she was a first-class housekeeper, was reading the thrilling tale of the| As an apple-dumplingist and doughnutter “Bloody Butcher Knife,” and 1 became | she couldn’t be excelled. drowsy and wandered off into the land of | | She had made the preparation of apple- the freeand the home of the brave, so to | dumplings and doughnuts a lifelong study. speak. ‘The candle toppled and fell and |“ Excelsior” was her motto. this caused the combustible phantasmagora | It might also be stated t to unite with the diagonal hexameter of the is the motto of New York It’s a good thing to have a motto. Susannah’s father was proud of her rt girl she is!” said the | talents, nd ‘Tom and the white ear | And her brother Bob was proud of her Ulack dog filed out of the room. | dumplings. rr a She was loved by a young man named ‘This story has two heroines, Cicero Gosling. Iknow it is something unusual for a| Cicero was a wavering man. One day he story to have two heorines, but I want this | loved J story to be entirely different from any lie I | day he loved Susannah to desperation. have ever told. | Ve was torn with conflicting emotions. And to accomplish this I would be willing | At last he decided that he would propose to let the story have half a dozen heroines. | to Jacobina, The other heroines name was Susannah | Cicero believed that Jacobina would at Hopplecoppe no distant day become a dictator and a he hada roay diaposition, a. fine form, « | leader in the woman movement. Roman eye and a soft brown. nose, And he thought it would be immense to She slept with her little sister in an up- | be united to a dictator and a woman mover. stairs room over the kitchen. | He therefore decided that if it lay in his She had never had the measels nor the | power he would win her hand and heart. | mumps. A week ’ . A week passed around and another week | Her father went to church in a buck jad commenced to pass around when he | WAROD: os owe dee visited her und asked her to be his‘n, or e also kept a dog. . words to that effec It was at the close of a glorious suinmer A soft blush 0% ia hor heed. hereve day. ‘The sun was sinking behind a mul- 5,7 €9t blush oerepread er head, het exe- lein stalk, which stood on the top of Mc. lid8 drooped, the long lashes veiled the | Geosler's hill, All nature seemed to be Pearly orbs, her face sank into her handker- | sinking into a weet and soft repose, Shiet and ber noge vent slong.. “There was And everybody seemed willing to let her * Pause——a breathless: pause, | sink. All was still. If a rooster had crowed cobina todestruction and the next | k The grasshoppers were murmuring gently you could have heard him. | question and placed an interrogation point | and the katy-dids were keeping up an ever- | Cicero didn’t understand these proceed- | Tr TO COUNTRYMEN. | Mr. Buxco—* Why, Jayhawk, how are you? How is all . sto Texan} Great’ Sool, thal eellien 32:2 the folks? Mn. Besco— Teras! Great Scott, that settles it. Countrymax—* My name isn’t Jayhawk, it's Sinithers, and I'm from Tezas.” | a CouxtryMax—‘* Well, 1'°U be durned.” | ee comicbooks.com