Judge — September 19, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Origin of Corsets. Ina recent article you have the audacity to assume that the corset was invented by a man whose arms had been taken off by threshing machir Now I am not sur- prised that all Chicago people wish at this day to disclaim the invention of these dam- sel-deformers, but for the sacred sake of science, of history, und of the rising genera- tion I propose to prove by the inductive, de- ductive, seductive and productive methods that corsets were invented by a Chicago drummer, and I also. propose to prove that he not only had the fall use of both of his arms, but I propose by @ privri and @ fortiori reasoning to show that he also had the full use of both his legs and that he would have to make full use of them were he alive to-day and in any community where good taste exists or where deformity, and especially female deformi- ty is abominated. You ask howdol know all this? Well, that is just what I wanted you to sity Sook County is firat in war, first in cheek, and Ia it? Ye Well, then, so many heathens are con- verted before we ship a bibl Chicago is the head centre of Cook Co., | ain’t it? Yes! Well, then, Chicago is first in all things where cheek is needed. You don’t see how I know that corsets are the direct and correct complement of cheek? Why, bless your immaculate and innocent ignorance, how do we know that peare wrote the plays of Bacon? Ho did Socrates know t he knew nothing, and how does Joseph Cook know that knows everything? I never saw anybody so articular about a little point of reasonin; Tow do I know that it was a cannibal anc not a man thas passed my tent lust night— by his track? No! but becanse he tried to steal me instead of my chickens. How docs Joke Hook in his lectures on ishchatol- ogy ” manage to work in all that is revealed by the spectroscope, telescope, ‘hello ”- scope (I mean the telephone) and micro- scope, and how, I ask, was he enabled to prove beyond doubt or dispute that death ends all? How do we know that the nebu- lar hypothesis is not mere guess-work? Wasn’t Mark Twain’s ‘‘ Hocklebery Finn” called coarse by men who take in Aristopha- nes, Rabelais, and Solomon’s song without a whisper? Yes! Well, then, so much is proven in spite of you. I shall now knock my syllogism silly in short order. We know that a man, and eg] Chicago man, will put up his | queens and a king, don’t we? Well, then, we also know that no man who pos- sesses the divine afflatus, unless he is a di- vinely flat ass, will see any woman suffer for the want of eqneezing, and the more women he has on his hands to embrace the harder he will try to ‘*stay in” and squeeze them all ‘to the queen’s taste,” from ‘num’s Midget up to Bartholdi’s ** baby ’—there is no respect of persons from persons in this matter. Now how do I know that it was a drum- pecially a pile,on four res! he | “THE JUDGE an be clearer. json and a and mother of inven- | tion, ain't they? No other man is away from | home so much as 8 drummer is, and ‘so, of j course, no other man has or can have so much woman-squeezing to do, and very naturally the drummer desired ‘to spend a | few of his spare moments in pretending to ell some goods for his house, didn’t he? Well, what to prevent some one from jumping his claims and re-locating his leads while he was absent? Could he trust # fel- | low man to keep them for him? No! Could he trust a fellowdrummer? No! athousand person with whom you wish to converse at one barrel, put your head in the other and holler at the top of your voice. In this way an animated conversation can be carried on across a large room. A good way to save small change is to put it in your upper right-hand vest-pocket. ‘Then, when you a want little money, you will feel in all your others, conclude that you are ‘ strapped,” and probably borrow a Wollar from a friend, while your forgotten treasure quietly sleeps in its pocket home and waits fora rainy day. In fact, it will be so well hid that it’ may require your | wife's assistance to discover it. When you go down-town, a good way to keep an important memorandum in your mind is to make a note of it on a large rec- tangulur piece of paste-board and pin it on your back, Then, as you walk along you will be constantly remined of the matter by the attentions of the stirring rabble and the mirthful ejaculations of the small boys. When an amateur fisherman tells you how many fish he caught during the day, always extract the square root of the num- ber, so as to make allowance for poetic lie- cense. When you tell the number of fish you caught yourself, make allowance for Similiar mathematical processes in the mind of your auditors and raise the actual num- N A HAMMOCK. Swinging in a hammock on a summer afternoon, With crave pretty girl beside me young and » other pleasure and Fask no other boon ‘Then to sit content and worship, swinging there. 0, I put my arm around her, and she doesn’t say me nay, times, No. Well, then, what was to bedone ent a woman-squeezer? Well, ye what could be more and what could do the business more diabolically perfect than the thing he invented—the cors I will say this in his defense, however, as he no artist or physiologist he probably did not foresee the deformity and general dam- phoolishness his discovery would develope in the gentler gender. I will not further seek his merits to disclothes or draw his frailties from their dread abode where they alike in trembling hope repose, ete., ete., but it stands to reason that it was the cranium of a Chi- cago drummer that first conceived the cor- t—Q. E. D. PRED 8, RYMA se, Useful Hints. A good way to prevent a dog from suck- ing eggs, is to keep the animal muzzled with an old boot-l Another plan is to keep the hen-nest up in a tree. The artistic instinct can be fostered ina child by giving him a and turning him whitewashed walls. This will keenly stimulate the pictorial impulse in the infantine bosom, A door can be prevented from slamming of its own accord at inconvenient times by chaining an anvil to it to act as a sort of an- chor. When it is desired to open or shut loose in a room with the door, a workman may be secured, at a | trifling outlay, to lift the anvil. A portable domestic telephone can be constructed at a slight cost in the following way: Get two empty molasses barrels, knock a head out of each, and connect the other ‘ends with a short plow-line, then place the jar of blackberry jam | Then 1 sit a little closer just for fun; And I think she i Around this ds a darling because she lets it stay nty waist, this charming one. And then—but can I tell it, —O, ber lips are rosy red! And her kisses must be ve Yes, [really must confess it—as she tuned ber love- ly bead, 1 bent and kissed her quickly, and complete. . Very sweet; When lot down came ground it bor Out flew the charming set of teeth my little dar- ling wore; And fastened on my scarf-pin, lay a trophy blond and fair, “Twas her frizzk the hammock, and us to bang and tresses,—in fact, it was her hair, I didn’t stop to pick her up, the gay deceiving thing, But I grabbed my hat and madly ran away; When again I board ber hammock for a confidential swing, I think ‘twill be a very chilly day. ! 2.8 wetuxorom, ber to the second power. square statement. A good way to test the virtue of a new | lightning-rod is to climb up it during every | thunder storm and see if you can detect any thanderbolts passing down. J. A.M. This will be a Another Washington. President Cleveland may not succeed in | reforming the civil service and elevating the Democratic party he certainly has set an illustrious example regarding fish stories. He will probably go into history a neck ahead of the boy who could not tell a lie about a cherry-tree. comicbooks.com