Judge — September 19, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. RHYMES FOR THE TIMES. Hope. It’s hope that cheers us with its rays And makes life's pathway bright, It’s soap, the washerwoman says ‘That makes her labor light. Another Happy Man, Blessed is the impecunious man) Who has a kind protector; Namely, a servant girl who can Stand off a bill collector. Advice to Husbands, Discretion’s valor's better part And ‘tis the wisest plan, Whene’er your wife is mad, to start Down town to see a man, Never Content, A month or so ago We wished for frost and snow, ring at the heat our time was spent; Whea the Mercury takes a tumble We will then begin to grumble That the radiator don’t heat worth a cent. And ins Seasonable Rhymes, There's a banging of pianos, And the lofty pitched sopranos Once more awake the echoes with their screcches What an awful din they're making! “Tis a sign there's no mistaking ‘That the darlings are returning from the beaches. Ha! ha! Ho! ho! The sweltering days have fled, The heat no more we dread, With comfort in our easy chairs we rock us; Cool weather's coming fast, The cholera scare is past, And the juicy watermelon is innocuous. They Soon Forget Their Native Tongue. ‘The maiden's coming from Parce— She's been there seven weeks— And with a foreign accent she Her native language speaks. And when she comes across the foam She'll answer in this way To your effusive “ Aw! Parlez vous Francais?” The Small Boy. He puts away his lines and hooks, For closed te him are pond and pool; ‘With heavy heart he takes his books And snail-like creeps to school. ‘The captain of the “ Champions” club Has fatlen from his high estate, And—Just like any other bub— Is whipped when he is late. (Boston Courier. HE GOT OUT. “T don’t want any of your miserable ver- min powder,” growled’ the lady of the house to a peddler, ‘it’s no earthly goud.” “Why, madam,” he expostulated in sur- prise, ‘it’s the very best in the market, and you are the first I ever heard complain of it.” “T know better.” “Did you ever try it?” “ Of course.” “Well, it wasn’t this ‘Don’t-die-in-the- house’ brand, was it?” “That's the very kind it was. I gave a dose of it toa dranken, ornery husband I had, and he not only died in the house, but it cost me half his life insurance to safe my neck from the gallows. Get out with your stuff, or I’ll turn the hot water on you.” [Merchant ‘Traveler. OYEZ! OYEZ! | Tam secking a home far away, And a land that is better than this, Yes, I sigh for that home every day, ‘That abode of perpetual blis Where, at weather, the people dosn't growl And old jokes to rest all are laid— With fashions at which the folks howl, And where “ Uncle Tom's Ca not played. {Chicago Sun, FROM GIRLMOOD TO WOMANHOOD. Blushing maid with manner shy, * Standing with reluctant feet Where the brook and river meet; Dips her toes in w ‘Turns her back upon the brook, And is swimming in the river, [Boston Courier. The character of the Chinaman is apt to be wish-he-washy.—[I" There is too much ciation at Sa American Bar Asso- [Picayune. When the Governor of Kansas heard that Phil. Sheridan had called him an ass he could scarcely believe his eara. (Courier Journal. Distance from the ocean is no safeguard from its dangers. ‘Two horse thieves in } Montana recently fell victims to a high tied. | [St. Paul Herald, | “T've got a right bow-wow-er” said an old card player as he poisoned a dog who had been disturbing bis slumbers for several nights.—[St. Paul Herald. A man who died in Cincinnati the other day owned up to have six living wives. He didn’t want the amlicted widows to go to the expense of putting on mourning and they probably won’t.—[Free Press. A prominent mathematician’s wife has presented him with a pairof twins, Heh.s now attained the full sum of human happi- | ness, with two to carry. [Burlington Free Press A sneak thief, who recently robbed the collection box in a down-town church nd found it to be filled with plugged dines ' and counterfeit nickles, says he hates coun- terfeit Christianity, anyway. [St. Paul Herald. “Can't you give us some war remi cences?” asked a citizen of an old fellow in a party of ex-soldiers telling stories, “No, I believe not,” he answered promptly, “you see I’ve only beon married six months.” {Merchant Traveler. “Never ran, make other quick motions or fight the bees,” says an agricultural pa- er. Certainly. The next time a bee ights on our nose and sinks a shaft toward the back of our head we will just be so still that the mountains will tremble. We take great delight in being still under su.h cir- cumstances,—([Stockton Maverick. It is fearful to think what an enormous expense it would be for Patti to bring up a child, She would have to sing it asleep every night for about three years, and at the | regular rates this would amount to $5,000,- 000. Then, if she should have to sing one or two extra verses to it each night, the amount would rise to $7,500,00, providing that the child was in good health. Allow- | | ing the usual third for sickness, she would | have to sing to it all night for 365 days, say 13 five hours at atime. Four thousand dol- lars for a few minutes singing is her usual price. One night of sickness would, there- fore, cost $240,000.—[Tronto Mail. Some men will sit down at a table and drink enough beer to surcharge a sewer. And still it is the hardest thing in the world to convince them that they are under the influence of liquor, A man at Living- ston, N. Y., recently used up a whole box | of matches in the vain attempt to fire off a bunch of red bananas, thinking that they were cannon firecrackers, and when a friend told him that he was drunk, and offered to take him home, he got mad and wanted to fight.—[Milwaukee Sun. Stockton dude (speaking to a lady who is playing on the piano)—Can you explain why it is that sentimental music always makes me think of you? Stockton young lady—No, I am sure I cannot. But it seems to affect me in the same way with respect to yourself, for I never hear a sentimental air but it always reminds me of you, “ Dude (throwing out one of his killing smiles)—Indeed? And what can there pos- sibly be in sentimental music to cause you to think of m Young lady—I don’t know, unless it is because it’s always soft.—[ Maverick. BLOWING UP HELL GATE has been a laborious and costly work, but the end justifies the effort. Obstruction in any important channel means disaster. Ob- structions in the orguns of the human body bring inevitable disease, They must be cleared away or physical wreck will follow. Keep the liver in order, and the pure blood courses through the bo¢ ying health, strength and life; let it become disordered and the channels’ are clogged with impuri- ties which result in disease and death, No other medici 1s Dr. Pierce’s ‘* Golden Medical Discovery” for acting upon the liver and purifying the blood. A CIVIL SERV EXAMINATION, What is a well-deserved holiday? “Our administration enjoys a month in the mountains fishing.” Correct, Next boy. What is junketing? “ Any member of the opposite adminis- tration attending the funeral of his old father.” That’s right. “The gentlen ward Four.” Yes, And what is a pothouse politician? “ The heeler nominated for President by the other party.” Right you are. tory? “Three cheers for our candidate,” And what is a hideous howl froin a score of drunken throats? “Three cheers for the other candidate.” What is meant by the million of free hearts and honest hands upon which rest the hopes and destinies of the republic? “Us. ‘ow what is a statesman? an who runs our caucus in What is a pean of vie- And to whom does “ the grovelling horde of blatant demagogues that wallow in a fortid cesspool of festering corruption ” refer? “Them.” Correct all around. 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