Judge — September 12, 1885 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

NO END OF CRANKS THIS YEAR. The German Policeman Tells Them What to do in Politics. By Jalian Ralph, Author of Sun's” “German Barber," Ete. “Tcould jump der Prooklyn Pridge off py der mittle uf der | considered a fine dings to be a martyr, in sbite uf its being der 1 River,” said the German policeman yesterday, ‘* but vot's st ding in der vorld. der use? It vould be like voding der Greenbug dicket, or conver- ding a Jew to make pelieve he vos a Gristian, You shpoke av the Grane- ticket, sorr,” said Mr, lly, the blacksmith—the Ger- man Policems lounging in front of Reilly’s shop. ‘Now, can you tell me why does people belong to thim lift-handed, on- lucky organizations, loike the Granebackers, thejProbationists, ple’s Pa-arty and_ the loike? Shure, they get no offices, they never win at an election; there’s divil a wan payin’ thim for their votes. Thin, whoy do they bother wid the loikes av sich pa-arties?” fy frend Reilly,” said the German Policeman, “looking at der dings from your standpoint, mighty few Irishmen make such amisdake like dot. Of course, you know very well dot in boli- tics der whole obchect is to get fat offices und for a lifling nod- i todo. Such a batriot like 3 af to peen told dot. Men not gwide so batriotic like you go choost a leedle farder und say dot you shall not only der offices get, but you shall sdeal like leedle-Pill-‘I'weed-on-vheels, so long vot you don’t got your- selluf found owid. Of course, you don’t agree to dot, “Bat, vould you pe- lieve it, dousands uf men dink such fellows as you und all der resd uf der Demograts. und Rebub- licans are steering der coundry to der Tefil— making uf der crand olt ge tate a floating und all such Der Greenbag pwd, der Dotal-Absence-uf-any-dings-ox-cept-water growd, der | tion brinting green bags for der resd der bopulation to spend. eac’ i got a batent for safing der coundry. You call von uf dem fellers a sey to der granks: ‘I told you vot to do mit der balance uf grank—Chiminy Hooky! he dinks himselluf he is a grank; he | power, Pump vind into it und let it float avay; stuff it und erecd dinks der whole vorld durns arount mit choost such granks like | a monument ofer it, or sell it to a museum py der Bow Uf Kight-hour-a-day-vorking-hours growt, dem dot. “ Dot's der sceret uf der whole peezness. not succeeding. Dot makes a mardyr uf you. Each grank dinks der coundry vich you dink is gidding der consumption, choin von he is a dousand dimes smarder as der rest der vorld, sent hero—py | uf der dwo regular bardies, (Der Rebublican is my idea vich is Chimany—to get der beople ready, like himselluf, for setting a | der besd.) You can steer der Ship of State if you have got holt uf similar oxamble in Heaven. Der whole fun uf der peezness is in | der rudder, but you can’d sdeer it by staying on shore and com- It has alvays peen | blaining abowd der pilot.” “This year is der vorst on record for granks. All der cheap All dem dings are | halls are rented till negst Nofember. Bresident Cleveland brob- choost der same; blenty fun but not der slightest use.” ably dinks it vos all right to squeeze into der garret vinder uf der Vhite House mit a poor leedle dousand majority in Nye Yorick Sdate, but IT can tell him it vos a sad dings for der coun- Efery day I meet sord ufalong-haired , you haf mate fun nf my ‘crand barty, lasd year, Now, see vot a dre- mendous barty it is.” «¢Vich bardickler bardy is oxciting you, my frent?’ I say; days, ‘der Greenbag, or der Vorkingmen’s, or der Bro- hibeer-tionists—it makes no dee- ference vich—all are equally ox- cited, choost der same togedder.’ ae] ‘vot has habbened to ur bardy so dremendous, alretty?’ Und all der showd, ‘Vy, didn't got elected by abowd a dousand majority? Can'd you see vot It shows,’ I say, ‘vot a beandiful ding it is to haf dumb- —bedder as goot looks, rdness or fife hundred dol- Jars in ay dem granks; ‘It show ler Demograts und Rebublicans are abowd egzactly divided, und ve granks hold der uf power; ha! ha! at lasd ve got der’ balance uf power!’ “© * Vell,” Tsay, ‘vot you are going to do do mit dot “balance uf power?’ Von grank says he is going todrife all der lager peer back again py Chermany; der next is going to have lar} vages und short hours, und der next is going to have half der bopula- pelieves ho has |“ And thin fwhat do you say, sorr?” Mr. Reilly inquired, you are in der bolitics peezness, or uf you vould like to helb along The Finish. “‘What’s the matter, Johnnie?” asked the kind-hearted uncle. awthin,” snifled Johnnie. “Come here and sit on my knee and tell me about it.” “Don’t want toset nowhere. Don’t want any more knee in mine.” “* Ah, I see, you’ve been to the races and got beaten on the homestretch. Poor boy.” ‘Tiere was an old woman named Guelph, Corroborating a Fish Story. Exccedingly fond of the puelph; — She ruled a great people, Those sceptics who have scoffed at the Was stiff as a steeple, bible incident of Jonah’s lying pervu in the And kept, all the time, to hersuelph. forecastle of the whale singing ‘‘Come Rest in this Bosom,” for three days, meridian | time, are now informed that a medium has ‘There was a young woman in Butte, | had a communication from Jonah, and it has Whose mouth was outrageously cutte, been seen and read by a number of reputable Two-edged was her tongue, citizens. If any hard-hearted infidel is still In the middle ‘twas hongue, unconvinced, the medium offers to hear Which made it red hot there in Butte. from the whale, for ten dollars in advance, comicbooks.com