Judge — August 22, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

6 a = Little Classics. CATO THE CENSOR, Cato, the Censor, was the King of An- cient Cranks, but as Platarch rather laid himself out in showing him up, I will give him some little attention myself. Cato seems to have been an admirer of true ‘Jeffersonian simplicity.” He always greased his boots instead of blacking them, und as the cow-boys of Rome said, * Old Cate never wore a bald faced shirt or a long- horned collar.” He always smoked old clay pipe filled with gravel-train tobacco, or on extra occasions he was known to in- dulge in a ‘two for” cigars, provided some one else set ‘em up. In one of his let- ters to Atticus, Cicero asks: ** Has that Hebeludinous crank, Cato, been seen with a cigar in his mouth since I set ‘em up when we were with him? I believe, by the gods, that his soul is so small that it would rattle inside a flea’s skull A thousand souls like his could walk across the edge of a razor and not be within shouting distance of each other.” This shows the general feeling that was entertained at Rome tn regard to him, Some say that Cato drank nothing but mountain dew from his little brown jug, batl e looked into the matter a little, and I find that he made and drank a great deal of Yankee cider only he was too stingy to buy sugar, and so it Teally was vinegar and water, Cicero and Atticus were very fund of metheglin, but Cato sold his hone in the comb, and su did not make any, Cato always put down his own pork in the fall, and “he ate it for three hundred and sixty- five straight days out of the year. It is said that he heard that one of his neighbors was in the habit of having either codfish or mack- erel on Fridays and on Christmas Year's Day, Washington’s Birthday, Fourth of July, ete., as a sort of a relish, and for this *highfalutin notion,” as Cato called it, he never afterwards spoke to the man, and when he was path-master he went and dumped a load of rocks right on his nei, bor's sidewalk, ** to let the dude down,” expressed it. Such things as this made Cato solid with the Plebs, but the elite of Rome hated him worse than a rattle-snake LIZING HIS SON'S VACATION Sox—" Fader, ra Mooxsaisen — ter, the flies « Um! you mnat gov emart oo and yn not get. vetting dieker.” “What fash A costume so} Good looks without ade Scant garmeuts iutersper ids their excmph it but their native in The me bing Full dress is but etre multi in pared Mas paralysed the s Close-packed artistic Her form enrapt in nothing, and her brig * admirers call her, ing like her raceful guml Beside he Spectacular disph hates ash leay Cato was i when the Rome, Wa- tertown and Ogdens- burg Railroad was put through from Syracuse, and he kicked like a bay steer on giving them T the right of way. He Their blithseme lau said, A good yoke of oxen is as good a engin as I want to ride after, and the T rest of you ain't no | better’n what 1 be.” | ‘This made him many | bitter enemies among those who liked to | ride bycicles, dog carts, railroad velocipedes, ete., etc. At last they passed the bill over his head. I have never had a railroad bill passed over my head, so Ido not know how it feels, but 7 have bad about 100,000,000 Catskill moun- tain mosquito bills passed over it, und part way through it, and I think I will die a natural death rather than try anything more severe in the bill line just to get my name up. " he ** Roman Punch” made a great deal of sport of Cato from time to time. 1 refer toa comic paper and not to the drink that now bears the same name. The jokes in founces 3 Traditic being By th N ed Their eyes of tas! Ob, yes, the garb i Its wearer, its ar The Papal Allocution. ‘The old farmer sat on his breezy verundah and talked of the foreign news, the village paper in hand: + Wonder why they didn’t print the piece he spoke!” “What piece, John?” knitting wife. “Why, it says here that the Pope got up in the college at Rome and got off some elocution on the King of Italy. If ’twant any Letter than | some that Richardson gal got off at | the last day of the ‘Cademy, I don’t | wonder they didn’t print it,” said he reflectively "Tdon'e think th nt gal’s eloctition amounted — to | shucks.” ‘The old lady concurred and the old man resumed the reading of the | premium list of the coming fair. hed the | WeLt-KNows | the old offender. lors are among the most widely diffused of plants; they grow from | pole to pole. in court circles— tyles are stunnin! Ml she = ‘ Wreaks male hearts into sp inters, tearing every string "s water maids are outdistanced Columbia's modern bathing, fairy ever matched their fo ir screams of hon! Lis distilled from joy, their happy bi cant; it enhances of the picture and the place Jewhen they gambol in the surges!” vulded as splur; dd with sl bids at rarely st ocence, Meir be who to wear {their hair. n capacity for color— rl of striped display condensed aud concentrated, wold fashioned way female t ory is tl ther's clot lorities the title on the waves CLES at x With the most consummate art, art, gamboled erfection, urted wiles, Dut then the charm is in its wearing, tinue as the rage and even kids ** € 1, EDGAR JONES, the London Punch are exact reprints from this ancient comic sheet. ‘The eng ing are the same only the art of engraving is now a litle mere perfect than it was in ‘ato’s time, In his y study of Greck. I have known lots of lege students who were with him in this, but the reasons they gave were not exactly the same as Cato’s were, I came near forgetting one of the biggest cranks Cato ever got into his head. When the gold fever struck the t, and the orty-niners started for California, Cato wentulong. Ile hoofed it as far as Carth- age, Mo., where he was arrested as avagrant and sent up for sixty days, and as in his pri- son cell he sat thinking, mother dear, of he had a full view of nd cach day be got more dis- gusted with the town, and one day as he sat biting nail heads off in his rage, he said aloud, in aw half-u pus way, Carthage be destroyed;” then he said again y life Cato kicked against the and again till he got so he could sing it,and even say it in Latin—**Car- thago delenda ext,” and after he got out of pri- son he went into a frce lunch counter and got some figs and put them in his shirt pocket, and madder than «a wet len he started across lots for Rome. He soon jumped a freight car and stowed himself away in with a lot of crackers and cheese, and as good luck would have it the car was boand for Rome, so he got home in good season, and he at once rushed into the senate, and showed up his figs with the following speech: ‘Them ’ere figs I picked Monday morning in Carthage, and here to-day is only Wednesday noon. ‘They abused me like a pickpocket while I was there, and I think Carthago delenda est.” This last sentence caught the people, for uo one had ever before heard comicbooks.com