Judge — August 8, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 THE JUDGE. Facilis Descensus Avera‘. | gata THREE HUNDRED ministers of the gospel are given up, body and soul, to the bycicle habit. ‘This will yet revolu- || tionize the pulpit. What better is a bycicling minister than a roller-skater ‘* whose steps take hold on hell” more than on earth? What precedent is there in the bible for sitting | astraddle of a single cart-wheel and pawing the air with both fect? Did the apostles ride bicycles? It is assuming too much to say that the great light that Saul of Tarsus saw on his Damascus excursion was really stars caused by the over- turning of his velocipede; nor is there any authority for con- | struing the prophet’s vision of a wheel within a wheel to pre- dict and authorize bicycles. wheeled—not to say one-horee—parsons. It is discoura out of mischief. before this devil’s wheel epidemic breaks out. Let us not live to see the sight. After this, what? | A KANSAS LOVE-LETTER. «Prue OFF THE BENCH. Tue Ge Dear Sar:— I've heard from folks as know, That there's a kid without no clothes on, Lo down. of soft-shelle “them gol darned big spiders.” But just fools * i And kickin’ up no end of strife i Among us poor, helpless mortal cusses. i I've likewise hearn these fellows say That none’s so wise, nor yet so stupid, In all this world, but what, som i He's bound to have a call from Cupid. its mostly true. I've seen the kid, when gazin’ your eyes so deep and blue;— al, his aim is just amazin’, takes 1,000 to make a dollar. in the World. endure his arrer's smart And you must heal it, now or never. AN IY We fear that the country is going to the devil on horse-back following these one- ig—our effort to keep the clergy | They have hardly recovered from the soul-destroying croquet craze, Can it be base-ball? | RAL opinion is that in its deal- | ings with the Indians the government plays | i (Becept'some _ } Who never di ‘aon : . if Wiech Lit ated i Tire coUNTRYMAN who had his first dish I crab set before him, rejected Tue Javanese havea coin of which it An Agency ofthe Bartholdi Pedestal subscription should be started im Japan. Any one could afford to chip in to see his name emblazoned to and tovs man has invented a way Your ever-faithful, loving, a “Taseen to pluck it from my heart, to remedy the difficulties experienced by | ; _ OF let it rankle there forever. | draughtsmen on account of the ghrinkage of ii Now, Sal, I mean by what I've said, | th high ‘they: draw. | N i That, after harvestin’, you'll wed him apply his intellect to the same difficul- tics experienced by bnsiness men and share- THOMAS. holders. QUITE TOO ENGLISH, YOU KNOW! PHELPS our Minister to England, you Are quite too fresh and sycophantic, sir— Your countrymen are sick of antics, too, Such as you cut before the Britisher. The sweet and nauseating treacle, which You slobbered Albert Victor with was quite Enough to give your countrymen the “stitch,” The golly wobbles and the ague-blig! You told the callow youth that cast you could | Out of the stars that gleamed above his head No fairer horoscope than that he should Walk where his princely father long had led. This weren't, perhaps, invading horror's scope, But far beyond a wholesome scope it went, For well you know the Prince of Wales’ lope— | His gait—is “fast; and be incontinent! O, Phelps, the sugared taffy that you pull At the swell feeds you are invited to, May titillate the palate of J. Bull, But sickens Yankee Doodle through and through. You love and ape the nobles over there— When coughs my lord, be sure our Phelps will cough; You're quite too English for yout Vermont air, In short, you makeustired. 0, Phelps—come off! IN THE MOUNTAIN districts of Pennsyl- vania they bury a chap’s marriage certificate with him, not as credentials for his future use, but because they think it unlucky to retain a dead person’s marriage certificate. Many a live man finds it unfortunate to possess one, with all that it implies. JvuLIAN HawtTHoRNE administered forty dollars worth of spanking toa Sag Harbor boy, so the Buckwheat jnstice-of-the-peace decided. If Julian will travel and make a specialty of forty-dollar larrupings, he can make more money and fame than Nathaniel ever did. We'd like to turn him loose in our neighborhood for about a week. = WHISTLING UP A WHIRLWIND. comicbooks.com ' i