Judge — July 25, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Woman's Plotting Perfidy! BY “WILL WANDER.” * When she will she will, You may depend on it.— Old Sav, Samuel Jeremiah Snoops was a bachelor. A pretty ancient one at that. Ilis palace was in the jungles of Je: and Seraphenia Scroogs carried the key She was his housekeeper. ch the checkered and dominoed course of his existence, Samuel J. Snoops 6 had allowed no female but Seraphenia | Scroogs to enter his habitation. He hated the se And well he 1 Where he had woman, he had trea hery. hus had his fair young hopes been blasted, and his budding effections blighted and crushed. So he gave up the weary search in disgus' and went to his tent and sat down in despair, with no one near to dust things around, find fault, smash crockery, and harass his declining years, but his faithful housekeeper, the aforesaid Seraphenia Seroc Miss Scroogs was probably the homeliest old maid in all the fair land of Jersey. She was fiery-haired, scraggy and withered, || and fifty-nine’ frigid winters and fifty-nine -half red-hot summers had left’ their son her once fair young brow. In fact, she w tting into the sere and yellow leaf. | Her matrimonial chances had all been squandered in carly life and she was now ankrupt. An old time ten hulk on the shores of unkind destiny. A mere nonenti- ty in the busy world The future, ht. ught for constanc! ever found ficklenes in and | and-a tr alas!—and pretty old lass Bur EQUALITY NoT “ See the Llaygaird aristocrat riding at his ais “THE JUDGE. Citizen to coun- try editor—‘Is the venture on a new pa be made can't it? Country Some people think it can, I’m fighting thirteen suitsin thecourts,”” hat—had nothing in store for her. othing but to go down, in the language of the poet, ** to the vile earth from whence she sprung, unwept, unhonored and married! Was this all? Let us ‘ortunately for Seraphenia at this dark moment, when the half-starved cherubim of hope had all but deserted her cold and bar- ren bosom, she suddenly thought of a wild scheme for cornering the hymenial market and running her bankrupt matrimonial stock up to par. She would marry Snoops! Ere another year on the roll of time should elbow 1885 into the yawning chasm of the past, she resolved that the virgin name Scroogs should give place to the more cognomen of Snoops. Little did Samuel J. Snoops dream that he was, figuratively speaking, sheltering a female viper in his bosom. Luivtle did he imagine that when Seraphina Scrooga warmed his N brought out his eg breeches, or darned his soc at EQUALIZATION, , an’ we, the people, wackun.” IN HOG OMNIBUS. ACTIM of a rapi Dear, depa nge, nd, Broadway stage. Once the object logy and pride, ‘The cra of the dude And English platitude Has voted thee plebian,” * que and "snide." test the monarch of the street, wolet aking —ta'en a dre enes that knew ul for the nonce. yw distin You have Au Are deve the tramway car and reconstructed vulgarly sq From the mount: The suburban keeper 1 Hence, from railway | Hereafter you will te The drummer and the we and boat ninstrel troupe. | the promptings of an old maid’s scheming affection, and with the hope of eventually making an impression on his dilapitated and leathery vitals; not from a tontid love of the twelve shillings per week which he al- lowed her for her services, But it even Seraphenia slowly but surely accomplished her object. Daily she surrounded Snoops with the soothing atmosphere of watchful, womanly love, timid yet trustful virgin affections, left-handed angels, broken-winged cupids, and other bric-a-brac of that sort; and the natural result’ was that sooner or later he me sooner—a good deal sooner than expected, day, in’ the balmy, pic-nie laden | month of June, when nature was arrayed in her best bib and tucker, and everything was lovely and serene, Seraphenia put on her most expensive back hair, ruled basque, flounced underpinning, etc., etc., (princi- pally ete.) and flopped down on her knees at the feet of the ancient but lamb-like Snooy And Snoops’ heart flopped up. in Vis mouth as Seraphenia poured forth the in- most secrets of her shy young soul and told | him in impassioned,” of-thee-I’m-fondly dreaming tones of her undying, imperish | ble, never-ending, double-twisted, copper- | bottomed love. It took him by surprise—slightly. But Samuel J, Snoops was equal to the emergency. He violently blew his nose in a red ban- | dana, and heaved a triangular sigh. Then Samuel Jeremiah, ete., carefully examined the battered and dusty avenues of his heart, and the footprints he found there- in were those of Seraphenia Scroogs’ rather extensive pedal extremities, Joyful discovery! Samuel J. Snoops immediately fell on the mediwval maiden’s neck, and wept several paroxysmal weeps. Then Seraphenia gently took his lily-hand in her’s and spoke sweet words of entreaty and encouragement, and soon Snoops braced ! np and bashfally named the happy day. Shortly thereafter they were spliced, and the awful tragedy was complete. Exit Scroogs, Enter Mrs. Samuel J. Snoops. ‘Thus ever does plotting woman scoop un- | suspecting man. comicbooks.com