Judge — July 25, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE FEMALE TONSORIAL ARTIST. Oh, sweet innovation! Whenever the heart With a barden of sorrow is laden, We'll put on our bat, for the barber's we'll start, ‘To be chinned by a beautiful maiden. We know she wo Or baseball, or d Or prize fights, or Or urge us to buy ber cosmetics, t bore us with tlk about trade, pr athletics, tly arrayed, She won't boast of mashing the swells of the town, Or how many youn She won't say we're «mire her, quite bald on the erown And that we should use her ** Restorer. eT talk about p: Of bonnets and ribbon Of fashions and dresses Is lathering rough. bi nid hops by the sea, nd hice: nd feathers, while she arded faces Abt who would not And maybe she'll flirt in an innocent way When the boss had stepped out for bis dinner, Come, let's 1 And fly to e¢ Well rest in th And be nt adju chair, ly barber [Boston Courier, the you ‘This is the great and a From West to East from South to North, With whiz and bang, and fizz and From Florid pom; Our one and only natal day, Hooray! Hooray! Hoor Shoot off y ‘Turn every Ring out the Hooray! guns and raise th deuce, »p and cracker loose, old, ring in the new, Shake out the rag, Red, White and Blue Pour in the whisky, wine and beer, Thank Heaven, it comes but once year. [Forget wl A wooden wedding—marrying a block- head.—[Indianapolis Herald. Should the health of Burns be drunk ina hot Scoteh?—[Indianapolis Herald. Does the man who puts the powder in the fire-cracker fillibuster.—[Chic Sun, A dentist says: ‘* Teeth are like money — hard to get, hard to keep and hard to lose.’ [Evening Call. When Bob Ingersoll dies it will be time for the orthodox to toast“ Bobby Burns.” [Peck’s Sun, A Washington correspondent wonders why all the office-seckers at the capital wear soft hats. ‘To allow for having their "heads swelled.—[Phila. Call. One swallow doesn’t make a summer, to be sure, but one swallow usually inclines an old toper to some more, [Sommerville Journal, Bismark has lost forty-six pounds. since 1879. As he still weighs 226 he will last at that rate some thirty years longer. [Lowell Citizen. Scientists are puzzling themse “The Fuel of the Future.” They cover nothing 80 efficient as brimstone. [Evening Call. An Orange County milkman cut his throat because he was accused of watering his milk. A milkman should be made of sterner stuff. Such a tender conscience! THE JUDGE. He was evidently cut out for an editor. his cow for standing so long in the rain [Danville Breeze. (dining ont)—“ It isn’t polite Bobby, to smack your lips when eatin You never do that at home, 7 “Cause we never have anything worth king over.”—[ Phila, erman editor who wanted to know if rth has been sent to Mamma A | Bismark owned the e: jail for six months to find out. [Omaha Bee, An Indian doctor in Cincinnati pulls teeth to the music of a German band, ‘This proves that great agony will make the saf- ferer forgetful of a trifling pain. [Omaha B In his Boston speech Senator Hoar says his feelings upon hearing of the appoint- ment of S.S Cox as Minister to Turkey have been expressed by an Irish bard in these words: “ Thaven't a jayoius for work That was never a gift of the Brady But Fd make a most illigant Turk, For I'm fond of tobacky and bulies.” ys —[Ex. Dr. Talmage just before he sailed for rope, said he longed to tind a place where glish is not spoken. He should go at to London, then, and y there. [Norristown He onc ald. You can find a man who enjoys breaking in new boots a good deal easier than you can averse with a woman who wouldn't stop ing pie to kiss a baby any time. [Chicago Ledger. ys, “Go as long as hot day’ without drinking anything.” Such advice from a democratic editor is worthy of being engrossed and put in a frame.—{ Lowell Citizen. The Boston Globe sa you can thes iventists has fixed the the last day of the world for May 14, 1886. | Iv is very kind of him to sct the day so far in advance. Now all the ladies have plenty of time to get their ascension robes made in the latest style.—[Somerville Journal. ‘The leader of the | A German newspaper contains an obitu in which occurs the following: ‘Our d son Gustav lost his life by falling from the spire of a Lutheran church, Only those know the height of the steeple can meas the depth of our grief.”—[ Buffalo Express. | Brother Taln that ‘you | can’t go to heaven by steam.” Nor by wind either, brother; but will you kindly tell us what was the motive power of th fire in which the profit of old as [Buffalo Express, A Western critic speaks of a certain sing- er as having a voice ‘* as sweet us a seven- teen-year Jocust’s.” But as a singer the lo- cust gives the most satisfaction, It only Appears once in seventeen years. [Norristown Herald, The King of Bavaria is said to be bank- rupt and unable to pay his debts. And no wonder! He was in the habit of paying £40,000 for the privilege of witnessing an | opera all by himself. If we were to ps ; such exorbitant prices to sce an opera, w should soon be bankrupt, too. the other day ‘by a troublesome switc Trevel is often delayed by a tronbleson | switch. Miss Fuzzie was fifteen minutes Drape his pump in mourning, and wallop Bobby— | [Norristown Herald. | ‘Travel was delayed on the Brooklyn bridge | | late church | troublesome sw {difficulty inarcan ivy on She fashionable now? p of his tailor | Are che highly-dre asked a he looked over his goods, ‘I don't’ believe | they are, sir,” was the reply, * for [haven't seen any around lately.” | Ie looked so | hard at the young man when he | it caused an absence in’ the rapidly. —[Norristown Herald. ‘The Secretary of the ‘Treasury having in- quired whether the foree in the Custom House could not be reduced for the purpose of economy, the Collector of New York re- ports the reduction that he has been able to make amounts to sixty-nine places. ‘That's reform, t fall, just before the election, the places will probably be filled by sixty- nine party workers. ‘That's busine: [Texas Dyspeptic— This fruit cure’s a fraud. I have tried fruit at every meal, without the least improvement.” Hearty Man—* That's odd. Wh at me, [subsist entirely upon fruit, “ What kind of frnit? “The fruit of my haven't been sick a day.”—[Phila. Call. At one of the schools in this cit , the master, in a general exercise p word dozen” on the bl; asked the pupils to each write a sentence ning the word. He was somewhat taken abuck to find on one of the papers the followin, ntenc I dozen know my | t_boy lives to grow up he will be an editor, or funny man, on some of our contemporaries. — [Newburyport Herald. aid it that shop very tings, own industry. I yester- wrote hoard, and said h as | and | want a wedding cake.” **It is customary 1 the pretty girl, “ nowadays to have the material of the cake harmonize with the calling of | the bride-groom. For a musician now, we have an oat cake, for aman who has Tam going to g he placed a hand uj as a Dutch che no calling and lives upon his friends, a cake, for a newspaper paragrapher, spic cake, and so on. What is your ¢ please?” “Tama pugilist.” “Then 3 want a pound cake.”—[Boston Courier, that M deal.” **What caused her illness?” asked Mrs, Weeril “Well, she hi Gillsey, “IT do think has suffered at of the stomach 1 vermifug * Don't Did she suffer much?” “Oh, Lord, yes: and then something got | the matter with all her factory organs.” «You mean her olfactory organs. “Oh, How could I make such a mistake? Well, anyhow, it is just as 1 tell you, the poor woman is having an awful hard time of it.” Do you think she will recover “No, [don’t think they exy live long, for you know she ha mutation of diseases that there is no ps help for her, for she has a bright dise the kidneys and besides that the doctors asa touch of cerebro. epinag ct her to ch a com. ble of magne LOVE AND RELIGION They stood beneath the summer skies and | watched the twinkling stars in ceasele brilliant twinkling. It was a night t¢ comicbooks.com