Judge — July 11, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ee ag ee ae ae RN SL |_—_ No. No, 2. musty old tree. Tur Reauity. My Inventions. ‘o fill a long-felt want, me purse, 10, me lean purse! [ve polished up yme of inventive gray matter, and pro- from henceforth and forevermore to 1s a public benefactor. The follow- Rud pose ing articles are now ready for the glutted where divers of overburdened and Jerseyites do congregate. I will J for digression, that the articles hest bidders, spot cash, Iment plan. “A Gate Varranted to kick an impecunious dude into the next county, or fasten a plumber’s son down to biz until the clouds roll by, Jeremiah.” *« A New Spring Joke.”—There is nothing mentioned in this little affair between our- Ives. concerning the Pompeiian ulster, the proverbial robin, the beautiful snow, the first violet, or the hand-organ. This joke can be purchased in the lump or eivided up by the press syndicatea la Thorndyke North Ann tyle. * 2 Musket.”—This weapon of modern innocent slaughter will only work when the smart Aleck who don’t know that it is loaded prepares to frighten his sweet- heart or his little sister. Upon aiming the musket and cre the fool beau can pull the no mor trigger, the barrel will flop over and knock him down. While his prostrate form is_yet reclining in a con state, the ramrod—a healthy ramrod—will leap from its socket and beat brains and sense into the young man, while it raises blisters upon the ‘elbow | of his pants “An Annex to the Revolving Mu ‘This will be handy when your chickens roost low and melons ly to mow. ne Editorial Creditor.”—A sure, soft and han ticle which should tind a haven in the sanctum of the moulders of public opinion. It is a small bomb attached to the editorial mower-and-reape When a pun or and other item is clipped from an exchange, it will call the clipper’s mind to the fact of giving due credit, or blow his head into utter ch to adjacent localitie “A Lac Correct ‘Time of this handy of her set. —My wif ime-piec ‘uff sed. “The Changeabl got the model She is the envied hool Book.”—Thisis and scatter his brains | y’s Watch Warranted to Keep | 1. ‘The poetical idea of sketching from nature. Sne—* What, you expect me to sit on that dirty stonewall, and lean in this new dress against that I'm not going to get covered with ents and spiders for all the paintings in the world. Not much! | the long-felt-for boon. It will answer the requirements of every new teacher, and not permit him and the Board of Learning to | rope in the regulation bonus when the new year dawns, Je “A Poet Who Vrite Worse Poetry than Baron Tennyson. ”— paper has his address, He didn’t dare ap- ply in person. ‘Terms liberal. Write for specimens of metre murder. «The Occasional ator.”—Where most disseminators kill, this only mutilates for life. Many fine samples of the fine work of my disseminator are now thrown by the magic lantern upon the rural town-hall screens and passed off as bird’s-e of Egyptian battle ground m completing seve which I will foist upon the rostrums of pub- licity as soon as finished. H. S. KELLER. | Court Chronicles. SPECIAL PLEADING DAY, Most learned JepGe: May it please your Honor, I exceptions to the followin, on behalf of my clients, aflicted Ameri- can people, to make application for the granting of an injunction restraining said p.n’s from exercising their functions, for 999 years from this date: public nuisances, Ist.—To the “rising young humori who gets off horrible puns like th he grub-worm must be the ‘ beet-gnawer’ (befe noir) of the country gardener’s existence.” 2nd.—To the maiden who tells her tem- perance parents that she’ll ** never have any- thing todo with a man who drinks,”—and then, under ‘going to the theatre” pre- tence slides out with her beau and steers him into those summer-garden free concerts three nights in a week where he is stuck for the price of fifteen or twenty bottles of beer | which they get away with at each visit. d.—To the friend that borrows a dress- t, ostensibly for his own wear at a wed- but who hires it out (for complimen- ry tickets) to the interlocutor of an Ama- teur Minstrel Co.,instead, and it is returned all wrinkled up and covered with burnt cork. 4th.—To the barber who savagely scrapes he editor of this | Contributor Dissemin- | 1 more inventions | desire to file | one’s beard against the grain, and two days under the skin, until the physiognomy is | | mottled with pimples as large ‘as a cherry, | | | and then cheekily cries out, when his custo- | | mer leaves the chair: ** Who’s the next gen- | tleman for a nice, smooth, easy shave?” | 5th.—To the woman who is so delicate that she ha’ to have a nurse to take care of her baby, but is strong enough to play lawn tennis in the hot sun for hours at a stretch. 6th.—To the reverend divine who preaches a sermon against wasting time and | spending money for worldly pleasures, and then strikes his congregation for a leave of absence and contribution of funds with which to pay expe of a trip to the mountains, “ jamboree ” at Saratoga, ete, 7th.—To the tiresome newspapers which print a lot of idiotic items under heads of |“ What The Bladder wants to kno “What The Eyesore would like to see.” | 8th.—To the liar of well-known impecu- | niosity, who boasts of winning $500 at the races, and when he is asked to show the “stuff” in evidence thereof, claims he hasn’t had the pool-tickets cashed yet; and, after an embarassing fumble thro’ his pock- ets, sheep-facedly says he must have lost ’em. 9th.—To the sweet girl graduate, who rhymes “books” with “thoughts,” ‘ col- lege” with *¢ village,” and “oratory” with ‘‘valedictory ” in the festive commence- ment poem, and wonders what makes her hearers look so distressed during its ren- | | dition. {| Respectfully soliciting an early and favor- | able decision by your Honorable Court, Tam Very shyster-ly, * JEP. JOSLYN,” Plaintiffs’ Attorney. A RIDDLE SOLVED. What makes the doctor chuckle As he chinks bis extra tin, And nod bis head and wink, and wear So satistied a grin? What makes the small boy spurn his play, And feast on broth and pills; Nor even quit his lounge to read ' The brand new circus bills? As I pass the curb-stone fruiterer’s The cause at once is clear— The melon-cholic days are come, ‘The saddest of the year. R. MORGAN. comicbooks.com ;