Judge — July 11, 1885 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

\| Objectionable People. THE DENTIST, I am of a benevolent nature. Indeed, my wife, who is of a malicious and mother-in- Jawish disposition, often upraids me for meckne: For I do not worry over the little trials of life, such as groc lords. No; I bottle my wrath for the evils that afMlict humanity, and one of these is the dentist. Thad been warned that it must happen. ‘The thing was predestination under its most dreadful form. My dear sir,” cheerfully remarked Dentatus when I told him that it felt queer every time I bit down hard on it, | ‘that tooth must come out.” ‘This was year before the catastrophe took place. year! ‘The twelvemonth, I dare say, seemed short enough to folks in easy circumstanc But to me who was living, so tospeak, from hand to mouth (for I was constantly putting my finger on it) it was three years and every one of them leap y morbid interest in ca aw induced by unskillfal dentistry y occasions I found myself watching the horrible, grinning things that open and close their mouths in the Bowery dentist's windows, I was told it would not hurt if the nerve were frosen, Frozen! Once a spoonful of ice-cream encircled that tooth, Tt was at a party given by an aunt from whom I had reasonable expectations, but in such a moment of agony I could not choose my form of ejaculations, ‘The affronted lady died soon afterwards and did not_men- tion me in her will, Frozen! No thank you, T nursed my tooth and deferred the evil y as long ssible. But matters at last toacrisis. When ‘1 could eat but at,” and that had to be of the tend- ter; when I examined every ar- ticle of food with the suspicious care of a health officer; when sleep came to me only in fitful. snatches, and those invariably brought dreams in which a red-hot skewer took an active part, then I wrote to Denta- tus and set a day, It was an early hour, but I found a crowd there before me. For Dentatus was popu- lar, that is, as an epidemic is popular. A dismal, haggard lot of folks who kept poring over Lifeand Tuk JupGE, and only cast fearful glances up when the inner door was opened. I wonder why dentists have funny papers for us to. study, ome solation might be gained from Baxter’s Saint’s Rest,” or Fox's ‘* Book — of Martyrs,” or Bur Melane! who would re -book in a grave-yard or give comic stories to a condemned man on the eve of his fate! Here we sat and waited dolefully. Why dodentists keep us waiting The agony of anticipation is almost as bad as the act itself. The door opened and “Master Squadles will please step this way.” Muster Squadles didn’t please. He objected strenously, he howled, ie tore the menial’s hair when that lusty person carried him off by main force. If we hesitated when our turn came, should we be carried off to the torture aleo? Are such outrages permitted in the nineteenth century and a fashionable street? A shriek! long wail of agony! Our faces grow paler. The young man in the corner began reading his paper upside down, I moved nearer the door and broke into a cold perspiration. “They have broken his jaw ” whispered a ” but servant said: “GOD PITY THE JUDGE. THE fat person beside me, as he furtively looked | out of the window and calculated the dis- tance to the street. My tooth did not seem so bad after all and I coneluded to go home when the door again opened and my name was called. I staggered into the dentist’s torture room. It was hideously neat. Dentatus was wiping some instrument on a towel. He shook hands with me after the manner of Mr. Sullivan when he means to make short work of an opponent. He smiled amiably— what beautiful teeth he had, I remember wondering whether they were real; whether he ever pulled them to keep his hand in practice when business was dull. He said something about the weather, What did I care for the weather! He hoped the chair was comfortable, and was my head easy? Inhuman creature! He put a little mirrow into my mouth. Oh” he smiled chee fully. TI told you it would have to come out "—Then— It was the custom of the Grecian theatres to do their murders and mutilations behind the scenes while chorus explained the matter by singing ‘* Ay, ay’ to the audi- ence, Shall I then in a high state of civili- zation be more explicit? The anguish of that moment is sacred to my memory. But my face so distorted as I left that the fat person fled with me, and confessed that he could not muster up courage enough to await his turn with the Dentist. HILLA RY BE! Purtaperruta got her liberty bell back. Considering the general spirit of New Orleans in her exposition, Philadelphia may | feel as thankful as the circuit-preacher did when he got his hat back maugre the col- lection. By the way, a Liberty Belle arrived in New York about the same hour as one reached Philadelphia, RICIL!” HE end has come at last, Margaret, we're cornered!” cried a Wall street operator as he staggered intoan elegant up-town mansion. Mr. y Hank was reputed to be one of the wealth- jeat men in the country. Let him tell his own story: ‘* Margaret, it is usel to struggle longer to keep up the market. Ihave stood up under a steady shrinkage for three 3 now. All the money I conld rake and scrape has gone for margins. Everything I own is up the spout for collateral. I have gone without lunch many a day because I hadn’t the price of one, and dared not squeal by borrowir On the contrary, I have had to keep lending to men less hard up, to keep up the appear- ance of success, against the revelations of our quarterly reports. And I, his wife, ruefully, “ had to wear darned stockings under satin and seal-skin, and do my own chamber- work in this gilded p: to keep up pub- lic confidence. Oh, Jay! can’t we fly from it all to Cansda and be happy once more?” ‘It’s too late—too late! Eno and Fish have worked that racket out. The boodle is all locked up out of reach, this house is shingled with mortgages and the furniture is not ours. I haven’ta cent in my pocket.” “Did you bring anything “home for dinner?” asked she, starting up excitedly, * Nothing but an empty stomach and’a collapsed conscience, and we must starve.” It was now that the woman-in-our-hours- of-ease, Ministering Angel business came in, and Mrs, Hauk was fly to her cue: «Never mind, dear,” she said ina Lyons- velvet tone, such as he had not heard in y “We need not starve; I can give you a dinner to-day and to-morrow you may be able to strike a lamb.” “What have you to eat?” asked the hungry millionaire, brightenin “7 will fry the goldfish for our supper,” she cried, striking a Lyceum-school-tragedy attitude, He turned away with a dull sickening th—er, expression on his face “«T’ve lived on Wall street suckers so long , hungry as Tam, I'd rather dine atan Grove hotel than attempt a fish he luxurious tastes of the pampered son of wealth were still strong upon him. His stomach was still proud as in the days when its owner capitalized the ** 1.” roads. Well, then, dear, what do you say toa fricassee of canary birds, or to parrott stuffed with chestnuts and seasoned with attic salt?” “Well,” said the unfortunate monopolist, hesitatin, that will do at a pinch file didn’t mean the joke, poor fello But can’t you leave out all suggestion of an attic. We may have to come to that; but to- night, darling, let no gloomy forebodings mar the perfect symphony of our banquet.” And it wasso. But the joyous and en- thusiastic profanity of the parrot no longer alleviates the cares and unburdens the fecl- ings of the dejected operator night after night he returns from the dreary desert of *Change without change. comicbooks.com 1 |