Judge — May 23, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE STANDARD JOKE (2) ALPHABET. (For funny men.) A's the green Apple that kills litt B is the Barber and Boardin : « Chicken and Clim in the Chowder; Dude and the Dynamite powder; itor killing a poets boys; irls show it; 3's empty Gu atand Gasmeter utter; His the Hash and the Hair in the butter; the Leeman, of ¢ J isthe Jers K is the Kick of the mule when he's mad; Lis the Lover that’s bounced by the dad M is May Moving and Mother-in-taw, N’s the Niagara hack O's the One Oyster in church stews so thin: PS Pien rt : a Q is the Question that’s popped by us all Iv is the Roller Rink—newest of all; Sis the Stovepipe, and Shorteake ‘T is the Tramp and th U's the Umbrella, that’s U time. and Lee-eream; mosquito supreme maw; murky: Turkey ed-up and lent ¢ Verses to newspapers sent ermelon immense; aster bonnet’s “Npense; r, that tickl Tks “+ chestnuts” jokes. it Free Press, thes (Derr OYEZ! OYEZ! e maiden just free from Thinks life an El, Al, how should she know of life’s sorrows and woet She doesn’t pay for the cream. rding-school in dream; Oh, gaily the young In purs ut But little he see an stirs his stumps tect eball, of the agonies OL 4 corset ten sizes Loo small. And we ever find in this weary world, Where the sh That warp of w ast mix with th has its woof of joy If we only get down to our oats (Wash, Hateb. —A slow match—s ping.—[Arkansaw —The melancholy days have come, the shaddest of the year.—[W. ILatchet. —The Cologne Gazette, despite its name is not a one scent paper.—[ Norristown H. king but never pop- ‘Traveler. —There are some stupid men so inhos- pitable that they have never entertained an idea. —[Nopic. bee carpenter is not nece: he augers well. [Attleboro Advocate. ily a prophet us —Beecher has been preaching «sermon on Spring. Naturally there is more spring in Talmage.—[Nopic. —‘ The devil sows tares while the hus- bandman sleeps,” or rather he goes on tares while the husbandman is supposed to be sleeping.—[ Picay. —Miss Susan B. Anthony is on her way to Boston to look after a bequest of $25,000, She has grown 40 years younger and very handsome. —[Call, —You may speak as you will of pedigree, generally, but in a sleeping-car, it is a man’s berth which raises him above his fellows.—[M. Trav. —Ordinary astronomy theory of spots on teaches us the the sun, but Boston THE JUDGE, | astronomy teaches the theory of spees on the daughter.—[M. ‘Travel —Miss Cleveland speaks four lang fluently. w that her verbal resources are well known, it is safe to say she will Miss it {all her life.—[Saratoga Eugle. —When you see a piece of ham enta in the average citizen's moustache believe that he You have pri led pu must kled a lunch counter, evidence of it. Sau — You did not dare speak to me in that manner before | married you, sir!” she in- dignantly exclaimed, No, nor you didn't | dare come cavorting around me in curl-pa- | pers and rag-carpet slippers before I married you, mum!” he retort Then she cried and he profanitied.—[Chicago Tribune. —The proprietor of a menagerie relates that one of his lions once had a thorn taken out of his paw bya French major in Algeria. The lion afterward ran over the list of officers belonging to the regiment of his bene: factor, and out of ituc | the colonel and lieutenant-colonel, laces were then filled by the good ma, | [Troy ‘Times. whose —‘* You've heard over the you, Mr. “Yes, and [’'m down on it, “Why so? “Weil, [think it ought to be stopped. How do we know but what that gas was put there to hold the world up, like a balloon? | and after it’s burnt to certain point, down we'll go, kerchug.””"—[ Pretzel’: A few months swallowed two dimes and eight pennies, doctors have been unable to get the money out of this human. si An exchang recent date speaking of the affuir say “strange to say, there has been no cl | inhis internal arrangements since. | Are there not 78 cents of *¢ chang internal arrangements? "—[Hot. World. about their boring all natural » haven’t too.” cent pice and thus far the —There are 50,000 skating rinks in th country. On an average there are six falls a day in each rink, this ‘makes a total of 000 falls aday thronghout the country, or 1,800,000 fall a week. In the face of this showin Il of Adam dwindles into in- But the true Americ: ns dismayed by these statistic On contrary, he exclaims: “Oh, my country, with all. thy falls I love thee still!” [Boston Courier. — How old are you?” “You mean in years?” Yes, to be sure. Well, to just count the birthdays, I’m only fifty, but to measure it by whi I've been through I'm over two hundred.” “You've had a wide range of experience, then?” “Well, I should think so. Why, man alive, I’ve experienced everything but re- | ligion, and I’ve been everywhere except in the Penitentiary, and I ‘only missed that once by a carom scratch. “According to what I’ve been through, I’m older than a circus joke; I actually am.”—[Chi. Ledger. —Dr. William Everett, of Quincy, Mass., says “the Mugwump is an eastern bird with plumes of a gorgeous hue: his crest is red, his bosom white, his wings celestial blue, and sparkling through those tints are seen [Weakly Carl P. | devoured both | nis by | resplendent stars of The Mu vy be that sort of a fowl; but the fall length portraits of Carl Schurz” seen in the illustrated papers, indicate that the Mugwump is of the Shanghai rooster breed —three times more legs than body. — If the Mugwump was such a“ variegated cuss,” Barnum would soon have one in his ornitho- logical collection. —[N. ‘Town Herald. wily Little Minnic’s mother had several times spanked her for going out onto the stree ‘The other day us the groceryman was leaving the house, Minni led to him and said: “Tome back an’ shut the gate.” “Why So [ can’t get out.” {Arkansaw Traveler. A COWBOY AT THE RINK wy from up near Wolf house skating st night a cow ame inte t uff voice demanded a pairof “I've been paintin’ the burg red to night, and 1 guess I'll daub a little on the rink. * Ever ted before on rolle: sked Richard, No, but 'm a h—ofa tearer at anything, Tam, | howl when I come in and PH turn this rink a somersault, the first flip out of the box.” All right, mister, here’ d, who had jus cowboy got the sk cocking his hy and a pair,” said Mr, used the rollers. his feet, and to one side drew a six-shooter bounded through the door. with a wild whoop that startled everybody, but it wasn’t alf so loud as the n he made when he eat down all of a denon the floor, As his feet went up in the air, and he came down with a bang the expression on his face was a stud So you'll cavort with me, galoot,’” he said as he rose up like a man who was going to break a mule. ‘Then he gave a wild lurch to the left, swept his leg ina half circle, came back and hit the floor a terrible wh: with the back of his head, while his six-shooter spun the floor into the corner. Just as he bout to rise, a big fat woman came along like a quarter horse and struck him in the ribs with both fe Then some boys skated over him, and fell over him. He rose game but groggy for the next round, and went down in at the bare sight of miss of twelve whom he was af going to skate on him. He now gave up the sport and began to erawl on his hands and knees for the door, howling like a coyote rd anybody coming too near, Some of the boys hauled him out into the ante-re nd then took off his skates. One of them picked up his revolver, which wasn't loaded, and I nding it to him, ad- vised him to walk to 10. The fellow limped out of the place, lame in every joint, remar “As a son of a gun on wheels I ain’t much.” you bucking whenever h [Carson Appeal. LESS ACCOUNT “What's the man, addressing home. “Oh, I kain’t work fur “ Yer ain’t quit, is yer *Cose I is.” “ Den whut’s | gwineter do? Gwine stan’ roun’ heah an’ let yer lawful asked a colored who had come matter? his wife at white ‘oman.” ter husban’ comicbooks.com