Judge — April 4, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. STOREKEEPING 4. SAVAGE WAY OP KEEPING BOOK: 5. SAMPLING M118 GOODS. WITHOUT RESERVATION. 6. STORE BURN! SAME WHITE MAN'S. HEEP MONEY! Briefs Submitted Without Argument. A aint who was rather a prude Fell deeply in love with a dude, But he called in one day When mamma was aw: So she blushed and said. ir, you intrude.” How many fect in a grave-yard? Did you ever see a blacksmith shoo a hen? A grave mistake—burying the wrong man. Boarp of Trade—the off man in a horse- swap. The most popular young men are the ones who pop. | Can you make a candle(-)stick out of a whiskey-bottle? By-words are not polite unless they are | good-by words. May acolored man posting a letter be called a case of black-mailing? An Englishman should not marry a negress. Dinah might blow him up. In purchasing wools for fancy-work one is | certain to get worsted. It may seem crewel, but ’twaz zephyr thus. The difference between the annals of a nation and the literary production of a lady | writer of fiction—one is history; the other, her story. Tl be off on a whaling expedition, come | and see the blubber,” said the old man as he | pulled the pin out of his pants and started | after his young son. | Little Maud sent this note to the cook in | the kitchen: “Mary, I wish you would be ood enough to bake ake ake.” When she ad eaten it, Maud found it was a regular Facts With the Shells Off. “Mamma, may I go down to skate?” “Yes, my festive darter, But don’t falldown with all your weight ‘And act as you hadn't orter.”” We like to go to sea with a wreckless captain. ‘Boy what is the reason you are not up?” “Well, father, it is so dark yet I can’t see to wake up.” “Patrick, my dear, are you coming home directly, or are you going to stay there?” ~ Biddy, yes, my darlint.” “That girl once adored me.” ‘* She did?” “ Yes, she said ‘ young man, there’s a door with the knob to it’.” ‘There is a fellow close here is 80 cross-eyed that the skin on his nose is all worn off by his eyes looking across it so much. Agent—* Can’t I sell you a Bible to-day?” “No, no; I read that ‘book when I was» boy.” Have you got anything late?” ‘The pen may be mightier than the sword, but when two swords are fastened together and made into a pair of scissors, it isn’t. “Ts Jones waiting on that Miss Wiggs?” | “Well, he has been foing with her for several years, and it rather looks to me as if she was waiting on Jones.” Tramp—‘ Could you make me welcome to asmall piece of nothing, with bread and but- terspread on it?” Sniggs—‘: Do you under- —‘*O, you allude to the wood racket; not any in mine. When I am requested to go and saw I do the next thing to it—I split and git. Good morn.” We read “ He started with his pockets full of smoked herring and cigars.” We infer, of course, that the cigars were smoked, too. A cigar is not of any use until it is smoked, and yet when it is smoked it is of no account. Ancient Greek—‘“ Hello, old Di, what are you running around in the day time with that lantern for?” Diogines—‘‘I am hunt- ing fora non est man.” Ancient Greek— | “Well then you had better get two lanterns.” Servant—‘ Bless my soul, the brandy’s nearly all leaked out of this bottle I brought you, and I put the cork in good.” | Master— | *« Yes, John, but you didn’t put the cork in the right place; you should have put it in your mouth,” “True, gentleman,” began Grimsby, “ speaking of intemperance, I admit whiskey —whiskey—” Blubberson—“‘Yes, we know the trouble of it is that you admit too much whiskey. We all know that.” Grimsby— | “« Well, let’s admit some more.” “Where is the boa-strictor you advertise | on your bills?” ‘‘ Ladies and gentlemen, it is my painful duty to state that the big snake | earelessly picked up the end of his tail with his mouth, and no doubt being under the | impression that it was another snake, began to swallow itself, and kept on till he com- leted the job, and of course there is nothing Tete of him this morning, while I am out two thousand dollars. It’s a great boa to me.” A. W. BEELAW. stand anything abont # woodshed?” ‘Tramp stom-ake ake ake. comicbooks.com