Judge — April 4, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. The Staymaker’s Strain. I wit not waist my time in sighs If from my side he longer stays, On him my anger I'll unlace And bust him with a withering gaze. Of corset’s wrong to utter this; I'l fit me to some other strain, Ah, let me pull a stronger cord, Come back, came back, to bony Jean ! And she will clasp thee to her heart, And squeeze thee to her aching chest, Until her form more wasplike grows And broken eyelets give her rest. —Boston Budget. A Ciicaco man while shoveling snow from his sidewalk fell dead. It is supposed that he discovered that he cleared o! inches on his neighbor’s side and the shock killed him.— Philadelphia Call. A New book is entitled, ‘‘ How I made Money at Home.” We advise our readers to have ‘nothing to do with it. Three men were arrested a few days ago for making money at home.—Norrisfown Herald. Tue Southern editor who recently dis- appeared has not been found, but it is re- rted that a Florida alligator, recently illed, had in its stomach seventeen $20 gold pieces.— Philadelphia Call. Perplexed by a Physician. “ How’ you find your patient, doctor?” “Went tu his room.” “Yes; but I mean how’d you find him when you got there?” “Found him in bed.” “Well, but is he better?” “Tf he’s well, he must be.” “Does he improve any?” “‘Hasn’t any to improve. He sold his farm and lives in a boarding-house.” “1. be worse?” “* Worse than what?” “Ts he better, then?” “ Better than who?” “Oh, doctor, what is there about him?” “*A double sheet and two blankets.” “But what ails him?” ‘* Nobody ales him; he’s a St. John man.” “ But is he dangerous?” “Naw; gentle asa lamb.” “See here, doctor! Don’t you want to tell what’s the matter with him?” “‘No matter at all; its a fresh cut.” “Well, you seem to be pretty smart, Do you know how to tell what ails your patient?” “Oh, yes, I know how to tell, but you don’t know how to ask,” Some physicians never want the neighbors to know anything.— Burdette. The Donkey That Wouldn't Bray. ONcE upon a time a donkey fell into a deep hole and, after nearly starving, caught sight of a passing fux, and implored the stranger to help him out. “Tam too small to aid you,” said the fox, “but I will give you some good advice. Only afew rods away isa big, strong elephant. Call to him and he will get you out in a iit” {ter the fox had gone the donkey thus reasoned: “Tam very weak for want of nourishment. Every move I make is just so much ad- ditional loss of strength. If I raise my voice three to call the elephant I shall be weaker yet. | No, I will not waste my substance that way. It is the duty of the elephant to come with- out calling.” So the donkey settled himself back and eventually starved to death. Long afterwards the fox on passing the hole saw within a whitened skeleton, and re- marked: ‘ If it be that the souls of animals are transmigrated into men, that donkey will become one of those merchants who can never afford to advertise.” — Philadelphia Call. THERE was a caucus in one of the suburbs the other night, and the burden of all the speeches was that the best man should be voted for, After the ballot it was discovered that every man had voted for himself. It is always pleasant to find men who are true to their principles.—Boston Transcript. 3111, how is your law practice?” ** Law practice! Do you take me fora fool?” “Certainly not. I had expected you were almost erudite enough by this time to get a Judge’s commission.” «Well, you see, my dear boy, I starved along at law until I got tired. — It was too slow work. ‘Then I got a situation as coach- man when coachmen were clevated to the aristocracy, but I failed to reach an heiress, and so now I’m giving private roller skating lessons, I have lots of pluck, and I will strike it rich some day.”—VDetrott Times, ee ee Premature decline of either sex, however induced, speedi Permanently care. Consultation free. Book ‘or three letter stamps. World’s Dispensary Medical Association, Buffalo, N. Y. wer of and A New Plan. “Dunk” TIMBERLAKE, of Louisville, has recently made a remarkable record for him- self—he hadn’t been drank until a few days ago, for a whole month, and his method of | getting whiskey should’ be patented. as follows, according to a Louisville He forced a sponge into a jug, and 0 LADIES? GOSSAMER GLOAKS FREE. ing the receptacle to a grocery quart of whiskey. The jug was filled and Dunk turned to leave, whereupon the grocer demanded his money. Dunk wanted -time, which the grocer of course refused to grant. | The only thing left for him to do was to pour the whiskey back into the barrel, but enough was retained by the sponge to make a good drink, He repeated the racket until he got his skin full." —Aventucky State Jour- nal. “©O, that I was endowed with more auric- ular wealth,” sighed John.‘ [should think ‘ou had plenty and to spare, now,” sighed Susan, = ** Ah-ah-ah-auriferous wealth, I meant,” and he skipped. A young man, while escorting a lady during a violent storm, came to a turbulent stream rushing down a gutter, which barred their progress. With great presence of mind and in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice, he took off one of his rubber over-shoes and ferried her safely across. Water-proof of devotion! At a fashionable reception. He—‘ Do tell me who that handsome man is over there, he seems to be a general favorite with the CONFEMPTION CURED. An old phyaictan, rett . ty ts hands by an Base tn pe vegetable’ remmesty ing had placed wala of ‘a sien Boge by tail bya a Noves, 19 Pow Does woh injure Uae tet hc pation ; a rapper. Take no ane 7 BROWN CHEMICAL CO. Baltimore, Md. eens THIS CUT REPRESENTS THE JUSTLY CELEBRATED STANDARD HYDRAULIC AUTOMATIC BEER PUMP AND REGULATOR. Thousands in use from the At- lantic to the Pact fie bespe: superiority cl all competitors Beware of imm ions and xe <TRIED. beer pumps. This ‘machine will keep any number of We Y. barrels of beer on tap, and force it from the cellar fresh and pure down to the last glass. Live Agents THE Wanted. f2- Please mention Tur Jeron, THIS CUT REPRESENTS OUR NEW ANDARD STORAGE PUMP. BIR POMP, 143 ELM STREET, N. comicbooks.com