Judge — March 28, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. one hundred dollars! each, and so on ad in- finitum add and-multiply "em. Well, when I reached the above alumnium apex of monumental muscle, nothing would do bat that I must ph I ive an exhibition of my ysical prowess and acrobatic agility to nee Maria’s “ Ma and Pa!” one evening the Conservatoire de sub- terranean was invaded by my father and mother-in-law, accompanied their dude son, John Jacob As souhne (button- hole-twist for Thompson) whose high sound- ing patronymics and tailor-made raiment, that his parents had lavished upon him, made him believe himself to be worth at least a dollar and a half in his own right. I was sparring a“ wind up” round with my sand bag at the moment, and ‘‘Jawnie ” happening to step inline just as [ struck the stuffed article a it went slap-bany against my ‘* 4 !” relative’s mug—mashing in his teeth, and rendering him hors du combat m. d. 8., ‘* most demni- tion sudden!” After Florence Maria had laid her un- fortunate brother up on an unused mirk- shelf to recuperate, | mounted the horizontal bar, and prejared to do the “grand full length swing ” feat around the same, for her Pa and Ma's delectation. I did it—in ahorn! T hadn’t swung ‘round on my hands—with my body allstretched out to its fullest tension but once, when the confounded bar piilled out of its sockets, and I went “Sailing, sailin, er their heads swift-lee, landing against the stone side of the cellar, and then gracefully falling in a sitting position into an open barrel of soft- soap; also jabbing my father-in-law in the abdomen with one end of the bar, which had remained in my hand, and grabbing off ma-in-law’s wig with the other paw, in the vain effort to clutch something that would arrest my comet-like pre I pulled myself together, and finding that no bones were broken, I continued my star rformance—my audience however, perch- ing themselves on the cellar steps, out of harm’s way. After blowing the lung-tester inside out, to show my chest capacity, I then thought I would paralyze the old folks with amazement, by pretending to swallow asword. SoI took up a fencing foil, placed it to my lips, and was just about to divert its course and decep- tively slip it down my coat collar, when John Jacob, (etc.) who was on the stairs above me, penetrated my sleight-of-hand scheme, and seeing an opportunity to get even with me for the chance blow he had received from the | rubber bag, he brought his foot down on the foil-hilt, and drove the point of same—button and all—some five or six inches deep in my sarcophagus! Gewhillikens! but there was “ wailing and gnashing of teeth” on cold steel, about that time, while the air was also rendered a rich Prussian blue with a choice article of broken | toned Joslyn profanity My pa-in-law, however, got me down on the floor, and, standing on my oreast, he seized and succeeded in withdrawing the weapon, Courtship and Matrimony. I Loven a very pretty girl, As pretty as a picter, I wished [ had the painter's art, So that I could depict her. But out of scores of other ones, At any rate, I picked her. I think her parents should have kept ‘That girl a little stricter, For she ran away to marry me And then her conscience pricked ber. She told me it was very wrong, Icould not contradict her, But I tried to kiss away the thoughts That tended to afflict ber; But I could uot soothe her with soft words, And so at last I licked her— And I sold her watch to pay the fine Imposed because I kicked her. A New “Comic Illustrated.” AMonG comic weeklies the latest applicant for public favor is Snap. Mr. B. B. Vallen- tine and Mr. Alfred ‘Thompson ure the edi- tors, Mr. Vallentine’s name is one of the best known in the world of comic and satiric literature, while the artistic skill of Mr. Alfred Thomson is familiar to the critics of _ Setttey | minus the button on its end though, which broke off and stuck in my larynx! Florence Maria was frightened nearly to death, and atter a surgeon had cut the button out of my throat the next day, she called in a junk dealer and sold him all of my Culis- thenic and sporting outfit. The conservatoire de subterranean is now once more devoted to purely domestic uses, and I have retired from the muscle-developing business! Always in a scrape—a violin bow. here, your dog howls all night long, and never let's me sleep.” Neighbor—* Yes, I know, but you howl all day about it, and don’t let me rest. I’m getting mad myself.” London and Paris, Snap will sell for five cents, and will be profusely illustrated. Mr. Matt Morgan will contribute frequent car- toons. Brown—‘‘ I never see Miss Snooks now. I used to be sweet on her, but she was quite uneducated—had not even learned the rudi- ments of grammar.” Smith—* Hadn’t she though? Ihearshe | knew enongh to decline an ass, though.” “Ts this a country where there are many donkeys and goats?” asked a tourist. “* Not just ’round here,” answered a coun- tryman. “If you feel lonesome you must go further north.” Young Thorne (to his girl)—* And your name is Rose? What asweet name Rose is!” Rose—‘ I am so glad you like it. But— but—but I do not want to be a rose without a Thorne.” | What could a fellow say after that? TRAMPLED ON. comicbooks.com