Judge — March 28, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. implying, that the “‘mashers” in attendance gener | ally elope with those who scem worth it, are you not stretching the truth just a little, not to say ex aggerating for effect? Heiresses with more boodle than brainy have cloped with young men, some | unscrupulous, some only equally silly, before roller rinks were ever invented. And do you really think that worth, position, ability and honesty are drugs in the market beside the ability to “* gyrate around fa barn without measuring one’s length on its dusty boards“ By the way, how is it about this “dust? 1 never observed any great Clouds of it in the “barns” which I have visited, And as to the “spice of danger,” since you have set the comparison between rollers and ice, how about the hundreds of boys (and girls, too) droirned every winter while enjoying this exhilarating sport Now, your Honor, | am far from intending tosay that there is nothing bad about roller skating. It is unhealthy when indulged in to excess, particu larly by young girls. Bad people will go to the rinks, very likely for the reasons you mention, and we must keep away from them the best we can, Jupar, don't close your is in the rinks, simply. be is some evil. Shak of things, put ona ~ to all the good ther re there {T your terribly gloomy. view of the “skates” for which you indicate your withering contempt. by m quotation marks, and if, after a half dozen le you do not feel like taking back at least part of what you have said, why then let the awestruck public once more hear y against those dens of iniqu which we gyrate like and now and then run away with a beginner, for a change Respectfully, Grnaton. ans of 1 pour out your wrath those “barns” “Aw oil well in Pennsylvania shoots up eight thousand barrels of oil a day.” “* How do they save it all?” this cold weather it freezes us it shoots up and they cut it off in lengths and cord it up.” + Hard up"—ic The Poet's Frenzy. Auas! it has come back to me, And thus it with thanks declined,” That editor, I know, must be A soulless man without a mind With beer and puns his head doth th I well could swen Was such as none but Byron wrote, And Shakesp . for my sweet e mingled with his mirth. But, ha! my vengcance he shall feel, And to his sanctum I shall sail, And drop on him my fist of steel, And all the winds shall catch his wail. In blood Ll dip bis rusty pen, With his lank form I'll wipe the tloor, Then cast him from his dusty den And paint his lying press with gore. Reveng is sweet, my plot is brown, He little dreams of coming woe, But, with his backers all around, A poet's vengeance he shall know. let me pause~ my stomach's weak, n kind of dry,—I'll wait a bit, And now meander down the street ad try and get some wood to split eDWARD A YULLER in a water-spout. A hum-bug—the mosquito. The do; -stur—a stage canine. Woman's rights—their husbands. Bud habits—worn-out garments. A highwayman—an elevated railroad con- ductor. led Back "—the Hebrew clothier’s ever too late to mend”—the plumber, A college course—the bicycle track. A long felt want—the tramp’ new hat CLEVELAND'S CAUTION. “Come with a will, come with a call, Come with your grub baskets, or don’t come at all.” “Jof. Joslyn’s" Athletic Experience. Fio Manta (she signs it‘ Marie”) said I must practice with ‘India clogs, dome-balls, ete.”, in order to develop my muscle and straighten my stooping shoul- ders! fhe dear innocent meant Indian clubs and dumb bells, of course, but when I corrected her mispronunciation, and endea- vored to talk her out of the above notion, she still persisted in her command, (Bene- dicts will at once recognize our marriage as one of the ‘six-months-and-over” class, During the honeymoon the wife sweetly ‘* requests”, thereafter she sternly ‘* com- mands!”’) Yea, in spite of my oily gammon-like per- sive powers, Florence Maria inveigled me into fitting up our conservatoire de sub- terranean (French-flat for cellar), into a Department of Amateur Calisthenics. Such little articles of vegetable bric-a-brac as cab- bages, potatoses, and turnipses, we carted up stairs to the kitchen, and st bins which they had occupied instead, with Indian clubs, boxing-gloves, dumb-bella, fencing-foils, ete. Next I had a ps erected, (horizontal, not of the ‘* Sample Room” kind), a lung testing machine put in position, and a sand-bag suspended from the ng for use in my fistic training. Then, covering the floor with saw dust, decorating the walls with pictures of sporting events and noted athletes, and hanging up some kerosene lamps, my Sanctuary of Muscledom was complete ivery night for weeks I spent in pri ing with those various strength developers, Imiring Florence Maria looking on the while and encouraging me, asm; | ached and the perspiration perspirated from every pore, incident to the violent exercis I finally became so proficient, that I could !do the following marvellous tricks with impunity. Ist. Manipulate nine Indian clubs and three pairs of dumb bells at oneanu the same i nd. Balance myself on the horizontal | bar by the simple ‘+ cow-lic cked up the kin my hair; 3rd, Send the sand bag to the rafters time [hit it with my “dukes,” until it | whole in the ceiling; 4th. Stand on one foot, atick the other in my hip pocket, and turn a forward someraault over a pair of s—‘‘ clothes horses; and a few other minor acts of dexterity, such as juggling cannon and codfish balls, lifting heavy weights, mortgages, and ten dollar drafts to comicbooks.com