Judge — March 28, 1885 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Marriage de Convenance. Berore I well was ten years old For wedlock I was fated, For toa certain girl I was By Papa dedicated That special girl was one whom 1 Emphatic And she herself bad no desire ly hated, ‘That we two should be mated. She told me once, she wished that I Had never been ere But still ¢ ‘The smallest w ed, F parent's zeal was not Our marr inte dated: would not wed at twenty, Reluctantly they waited Sometimes they coaxed and wheedled us, Sometimes they stormed and rated So matters bein: Tv in the state at L have just related, blame that girl and me Ifyou should hear it st That, at Most w | But we did our part, and had them both | Most carefully y 1'd seare F parents’ death, we were rally elated: cremated TOOTH An Assortment of Asses. A lost ass—as-tray. The biggest asses—the as-sizes, An affirmative ass—an us-sent. Another sea ass—ihe as-pirate. The most pedantic ass—as-tute. A self denying ass—an as-cetic. The cheekiest ass—as-sumption. ‘The most confident ass—as-sured. The British asses—the association. The ass we trample on—as-phalt. ‘The most surprising ass—as-tounding. The most useful ass at sea—the as-sailor. mer. had ta en a nice girl to Europe with him? “No, has he though? Well, and I really thought—” | inventor of the mul | book agents, li; Tue ass that looks highest—the as-trono- Husband—‘ My dear, did you hear Jones | SAM SNAPP: OR The Merchant Traveller. CHAPTER II, In which me reader is intodaced 19 ie“ Bromerdeod ef Intaite Gall.” 7/2, UBLIME asit was, 7 the Brotherhood of Infinite Gall was composed solely of mer- chant travellers. The legend is extant, that, on one occasion, a plumber sought to becomeamem- ber, andon others a book agent, a light- ning ' rod con- tractor, the man who bases his claim to immortality on the plea of being the joke, and the corre- spondent who has the inside track on the President’s cabinet, endeavored to steal their way into the sacred Arcana, but they were kindly but firmly refused admittance. ‘The Brotherhood was a merchant traveller’s or- ganization or it was nothing. Some of the disappointed candidates mali- ciously averred that jealousy was the cause of their rejection, ‘This charge the Brother- hood passed by with calm contempt. ‘The drummer who is not a match for plumbe chtning-rod contractors, mule- jokers, cabinet-interviewers, yea, or even gas officials, is unworthy the vacant seat by the side of the prettiest woman in the car. When Sam Snapp entered the meeting room, he found the whole Brotherhood mbled. In the chair of state sat the High Grand Nerve; to his right and left the other officers of the lodge, consisting of the Supreme Grand Cheek and the Past Grand Wife (who dearly loves a bit of scandal)— | I always thought—now what will Mra, Jones say? Who told you? When did they start? Who is she?” f Fresh. The last named gentleman, who “ He did.—Last Friday.—Mrs, Jones.” | bore a strong resemblance to Tony Pastor Wife—‘ Pshaw! how can you disuppoint | when in the act of shifting his crush hat me so? Mrs, Jones is my dearest friend, | from his left hand to his right and bowing hailed him: “ Hello, Sam!” «Low yourself,” replied Sam, who Spartan in his brevity, except when h engaged in business, ¢. ¢. making a sale or a mash, “*How’s biz?” inquired the 1 Grand Fresh, a gentleman of the name of Cuticle. ‘ol lol,” responded Sam in the same tone, as he made his way towards the top of the room, ‘Say, how’s this?” he contin- ued. I thought there was a new recruit to ride the goat to-night?” “We have postponed the ceremony — shelved the fellow ‘till to-morrow,” replied the High Grand Nerve.‘ We have taken up the consideration of a question narrowly affecting one of the dearest privileges of our order.” Then, raising his voice, he contin- ued, ‘Brothers of Infinite Gall, I will re- state the question for the benefit of our wo thy brother, Mr. Samuel Snapp.” “Spit it out,” said Mr, Samuel Snapp laconically. “A firm of merchants—” began the Pres- ident, but he was interrupted by a perfect storm of yells from all quarters of the large lodge room, * Well, « tirm of misers I will say—of mean contemptible skinflints, have used the arrest of one of their travelling salesmen— “What,” interjected our hero, “ arrest a drummer!” Astonishment prevented his adding more. aid Cuticle, taking up the thread of the President’s remarks, ‘* arrested him, and for what?—merely for cl the ordinary hotel expenses in | punt, ine stead of the reduced rate to which, asa mem- ber in good standing, he is entitled, and has everywhere obtaine Cries of ‘* Shame,” ‘ Privilege,” mingled with calls for ** Question!” re-echoed around the room, For the first and last time in his life Sam Snapp was so utterly dumbfounded as to be for the moment deprived of the power of speech “Gentlemen,” he at length found voice to say, as he rose to his feet; ‘ gentlemen, this infringement of the dearest right and most unquestioned privilege of itinerary mercan- tile existence—(‘That’s good’ from some- where) —existence, I s must not be suf- fered to go unpuni T shall take upon myself the task of avenging the impugned rights of our order You shall presently give me the name of that firm—” ** We have resolved to boycott them,” re- marked the President. “ Boycott!” said Snapp. “No, no. ‘That is a paltry, insuflicient vengeance. — Leave You have contidence in me, brothers of Infinite Gall, (Ilear. hear!) I will justify that confidence. 1 will make the name of that firm stink fr Alpha to Omaha, Listen; I will unfold my plan.” them to me. | to the audience, recognized our hero and comicbooks.com