Judge — March 21, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Wrecked off Weehawken; on PIRATE PHIL, THE OUKE OF THE DEEP. A Story of a Bluceyed Lass, A Squint- eyed sailor, and x Green-eyed Jealousy. Dy "any sonny” LL hands on deck! Tie a double bow-knot in the main-mast; take a reef in them belayin’ pins; furl that compass, and swab off the anchor with some ‘Rust Eradicator’! Splice yer shoulder-braces, and skin around “p. de g.’, ¥ lubbers, fer 1 want things slicked up hore fer ger captain’s weddin’ ter- night!” Such were the thrilling words shouted by Pirate Phil down the hateh of his eancy craft, the ** Belle of East River,” to its sleep- ing erew, and whic d them out to speedy obedience of hi ion orders. "Twas about 10:45 in the evening! The “ Belle” v cu latitude and longitu (Masonic degrees), fil cording Secreta (duel seco ling along in even of thirty-three degrees y-seven minutes (Re- ‘3 minutes) 2 seconds 1s), when suddenly a small row- drew alongside of the v (indigo) blue-eyed, lop-cared female chromo —whose age could’ be gauged by her appe ance of having weathered > thirty rainy springtimes, and autumns, climbe “loaded for b'ar” voice, thus accosted Philly, the bold buccancer with the squint-optic “Phil-lip-po! where hast thou concealed the long-haired niece of the Alderman’s wife's cousin’s sister? and how many other hast thou which I understa piratical harem? Oh Phillippo! is this right, to desert thy own Cuticura off the old love for one or mo jo to—go to—Cutey! Come off the et thee gone girl, back to Weehawken in thy tub ofa skiff. Thou hast reached the ‘sere and yellow leaf’ period of life, and I hereby declare all arrangements off for our contemplated marriage, and this night I shall be wedded instead to the Alc " remote, but young and fair relativ Pirate Phil's cruel reply. vel, and an | “Then, be-ware! be fin-ware, glass-ware, china-ware, whichever thou pleasest, but Cuti- cura Jane Jinckyson will be revenged!” and with a weird, rectangular §x12 gh of threatening scorn, she leaped over the ship’s taffrail into her boat below. . . * * . . ‘Two hours later, a merry scene is being enacted in the ‘* Belle’s” cabin, Pirate Phil has secured 4 license, and a New York Jus- is proceeding to splice our rto the “1. h. 0. t. A's. his craft idly floats on the water betwixt Weehawken and Forty-second Street. Philly (surnamed Maginnis) had acquired his title of the ** Duke of the Deep” by his brilliant and su ful preying raids at night upon the cargoes of poorly guarded ships lying at anchor in the river, while their Captains and crews were off in the city * painting the | town red,” preparatory to long cruises to hay” and other different climes. Ho had been engaged to Miss Jinckynson, but now he had perfidiously discarded her, and was about to wed the aforesaid ‘long-haired, ete., etc.,” smitten damozel, who had run away from home to share the squint-eyed freebooter’s lot. _(‘* Lot Ne. 4, block 12, Washington St., Hoboken; unencumbered, and taxes paid up in full.”) Judge has just finished reading the riage ceremony from a volume of Police Court Records, (which he had inadvertantly brought along instead of the proper book)— pocketed his ten dollars fee, and two jolly Jack ‘Tare had each appended their as witnesses to the blushing bride, who, by the way, was minus bridesmaids. But, merciful heavens! as the wassail is at its highest festive pitch, the ‘* Belle” gives a sudden lurch forward, quivers from stem to stern fur a few seconds, and then sinks like a plummet beneath the waves ‘tone hundred fathoms deep,” with all on board! A frantic rush is made by the doomed souls in the cabin to the hatchway, but it is found mysteriously but irely fastened on the outside, and in spite of their Herculean fforts to break it open and escape, those caged victims die like rats in a trap! Who, and what the cause of that horrible but just fate meted out to Pirate Phil, the heartless deceiver, and his innocent wedding party? Cuticura Jane, aided and abetted by her strong three dollar set of false teeth !! The cast-off fiance of the ‘Duke of the Deep,” had stolen on the ship when all hands were below, barred their only means of egress, and then, with the fierce pangs of jealonsy and unrequited love gnawing at her bosom, she had jumped into the river, and with her two rows of patent molars had fiercely gn a huge hole in the ve hull—below the the water-line—which had scuttled the rakish “Belle” in less than a minute by Cuticura’s oroide watch! “ Sic semper Maginnis!” exultingly ex- claimed Miss Jinckynson, after she’ had clambered into her row-boat and watched the eddies circling around the spot where the craft went down; * Phil-lip-po will never trifle with another female's fond affections, methinks, methanks, methunks!!!” “Oh Joy!” Mr. A. Buvce Joy, the sculptor, has com- pleted a bust of Mary Anderson in a new medium, the composition of which is being patented in England. ‘The work is at pres- ent being exhibited at the Free Library and Museum, Liverpool. It is claimed for the material in which the bust is executed, that it possesses in a large degree the beauty and durability of marble, while much easier to work. When our beanties hear of this we suppose they will all be busted by Joy. Disconsolate Widow! wife’s funeral in the 8; mother-in-law? How can you sugg a thing? It would spoil all’ my. ple the day. ‘What! goto my Poraen is subject to cataleptic trances, and has been three times turned home from the cemetery as not cligible for admission. When his friends are invited to his funeral now, they say it is only a rehearsal. comicbooks.com