Judge — March 14, 1885 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. fear that the men who are 80 anxious to go ypt and meet the British on the field | tle, will not carry O'Donovan or any | namiters with them. ‘The expedient | is a silly one, at best, and probably amounts to no more than talk, It is almost impossi- | ble that any such breach of international | law should be accomplished without inter- ference from the authorities here; but what we would insist on is, that if Irishmen are | as anxious to fight England as some of them profess to be, we had rather see it done on | the open field, where only fighting men are concerned, than by dynamite on crowded | streets, by shots at solitary men behind hedges, or by the various other little devices with which a certain grade of Irishmen have been endeavoring to “ free Oireland.” A Great Discovery. “T nave at last discovered the reason that the city editors of newspapers are al- ways wealth. ndeed, let me know?” “They make assignments every day.” To be dirty is to be happy. The Demo- crats were not cleaned out last fall as usual. «Tie thermometer at Montreal is ten de- grees below zero at present,” and the cashier at New York believes honesty to be the best policy ut present. Tur New Orleans exposition, they say, is | not paying. Naturally, In these dull times there are a good many positions that don’t pay; how then should an ex-position? Mr. RANDALL swong round the circle lately from Richmond to Louisville, and all for what? get aplace in Mr. Cleveland’s | cabinet, they say. It looks like going for the thing rather circuitously, but perhaps Mr. | I'm the desert d Randall expects to be put at the head of the Circumlocution Office. THEIR ONLY PLANK. An Egyptian Echo. On, my name it is El Mahdi I'ma very busy body, And the scientific squelcher of the soldiers in Soudan; I'ma prophet of Mohammed, And the Nile will soon be dammed With the corpses of the ish—who this recent I'm a hunkidori hustler, And a ricochetting rustler, ‘astator from Su-akim to Khar- toum; I'm a ruler of the faithful, And my course it has been wraithful Since the burly, beefy Britons tried to boom their little boom! T'm a mogul of Metemne And the imaum who'll indemnij- Fy the native Arab people for invasions by Queen Vic; Yes, she'll soon say; “* Dear El Mahdi, Please no more Lord Wolsely prod, he And all England give up beaten, for your spears have made us sick!" . Then V1 be a solid Sultan, Over all the East,—exultin’, As the Muldoon Monarch Moslem who restrained “flip” Britain's hand, “Till I'm gathered to my fathers, Where there'll be no bloody bothers Of a festive, fighting nature in our Allah's happy land! 2. FEROLHOS. . . . . Barney, they say, has no show for a scat in the cabinet. We doubt whether things will ever come to such a pretty pass that Barnum will have no show. Tene was a funeral last week, in Texas, at which two of the mourners quarrclled. A general free fight followed. Nothing strange in that? Of conrse not, but the re- | markable thing about it was that there was one Texan present who remained neutral and took no hand in the fight, Couldn't Stand the Pressure. A Group of Democratic choice spirits, than whom no choicer had ever squirted tobacco | juice all over the fiery little egg stove that | warmed up The Whopper oflice, were diseu ing Mr, Cleveland’s virtuous reply to Mr. Curtis & Co’s Civil Service Letter.” Despon- j dency reigned—reigned to that extent that | the cuss words with which the thing was dis- {cussed were as long and as wry as the faces. | Thatastonishing letter, in fact, fallen on these faithful spirits, to quote the description of Mr. Jackason—“like a shower of wet blan- | kets onto Godom and Somorrah when the hail and brimstone erupted from Mt. Vesuvius.” But an ancient war-horse, who had kicked and snorted in the fore front of many a battle mm the days when Grover was still mewling and puking in New Jersey’sarms, comforted the boys with astory: “It was about 4 o'clock A. M., and a old-fashioned snow storm was on. The old woman called out, ‘git up Jake, and feed the pigs and put the sheep in the pen, and open the door for the cats and dogs to git in, stir yer lazy stumps, Jake, fur the | poor beasts is hungry and a freezin’. But |the old man a kind of propped himself and said; * Let the pigs bark and the sheep squeal jand the cats and dogs be dammed, ef I get up in sich a blizzard.’ Then the old woman \jerked the chaff-bed from under him, and piled it on top of him and the her bed on top of the chaff-bed, and the wood-chist on top of the feather-bed, then she clumb up and got on top of the wood-chist and sot |down. And alter while she remarked ‘ now, |you miserable ole sinner, will you git up and jook after the poor beasts?’ ” “And did he?” | Yes, gentleman; the old man gave in.” |“ Why??? ; | “« Because he couldn’t stand the pressure.” “Gentleman,” remarked the war-horse in jconclusion, ‘Grover ain’t the man to leave | boys stand out in the cold to starve.” | Consve@atton of the Democratic verb to | reform; Past tense—incompetence. Present tense—pretense. comicbooks.com