Judge — February 28, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

If he glibly rolls off: ‘<The plumber, the banana peel, the ice tariff in summer, and coal rates in winter, the dude, the stern parent’s No, 14 boot, puns on the parts of a wagon, the solitary oyster in the church-fair soup, the ice-cream sign,—” and so on, until he only stops for lack of breath, why I'll hire his services, but if he omits a singl® bald- headed, moth-eaten ‘ chestnut,” I will have tosay him nay, and wait for another pro- fessional “ yuinerist’s ” application. Next, when the follower of Mike Ang Petey Rubens, G. Cruikshanks, and rd comes in to apply for the ” T will give him this t Now my would-be sketchist, just take your crayon, and on that calsomined partition over there, give me an illustration of ‘The Handwriting on the Wall’.” Should he then proceed to | Scriptural scene of Belshuzzar’s the ‘ mene, tekel_uphar ments ete., I shall be obliged to declare him “nog.” immediately; but if he evidences a creditable of inodern * flipn and delineates an impecunions * luh-de-dah” be- ing thwa attempt to “stand off” a tobacconist for a package of cigarettes, by a nencil the mene, ” sign, way I will clasp him to my bosom, and install him as cartoonist for the Journal forthwith, at twenty-three dollars per month, and ‘+ board "—upon which to tack his drawing-paper. The advertising solicitor will be compelled to obey the following commandments: Ist. ‘hou shalt not obtain advertisements for any other sheet except the Journal! 2nd. Thou shalt not take the name of the Editor in vain, i. ¢. to promise a eight-line “ad.” for a fonr-line price! 3rd. Remember that thou keepest out thy five per cent commission of the collections only. poral —to be repaid when thou success- ully locatest the roulette-ball in the “double O” compartment—will not be tolerated! 4th. Honor thine own sight-drafts, but don’t draw any on the Journal! 5th. Thou shalt not ‘ booze!” 6th Thou shalt commit assault and batter on any contemporary’s agent who beats th of a good cash advertising patron! 7th. Thou shalt not kick against paying thine own fine for the same in police courts! 8th. Thou shalt bear false witness concern- ing our rival’s circulation! 9th. Thou shalt not covet thy employer’s head-light diamond! 10th, Thou shalt get up and hustlearound Borrowing a portion of our coin tem- | lively after ‘‘ biz,” from 7 a. a. ’till 6 P.M! In reference to the ‘ Office Bouncer,” he must be a giant able to sling ‘ Beautiful Snow” warblers down the shute to the cellar | with one hand, toss people with bills against the editor through a sixth story window | with the other, and kick armed and blood- thirsty citizens looking for the ‘slanderous article” out of the tum with his brad- pointed shoes, all me time. be allowed five thousand per annum for his | A Familiar Cry. ' Tue noble Indian roams the plain In search of scalps be wants to lift He hat belt, Ands ery—the drift— another at 1 in crowded car, Looks vai He draws one breath, In tones that I dd down the ai and bellows forth— heard a mile— lore b’air.” ut The pretty girl ashopping goes, And wants to buy a handsome shawl; steps up quickly to the clerk, Abd says, with such a pretty drawl “ Mo‘bair.”” Sh wv The boarder asks for rare beefsteak— The waiter brings it overde Then sets his face with And shouts he at th’e * More rare vy. But Indian, Briton, bo: With cry and bellow, sh Cannot compete with him w In butter, that he thought was bald, More hair, , maid, nt and drawl, Ca Look cut for the large extra pictur Fation Ball which will be given away with ‘Turse thick coming earthquakes are the editor's opportunity. If he undertakes his business he can avoid ‘ earthquake” and call it a seismic something every time, till the column is full, That the majority of readers won't understand whether the “seismic disturbances” and the “ seismic phenomena” are 8 new kind of Ingersollism, or Commun- ism, or other diabolism, is unfortunate, of course, but it can’t be helped. Educating newspaper readere up to the learned editor’s level is a slow process. T invaluable aid in properly conducting the Journal! If Lean secure a staff us per foregoing pro- gramme, I think my contemplated venture in Press-dom will succeed; and when I get my scheme in running order, Tue JupGe will be the first paper I shall put on the +x "change list with Jef. Joslyn’s Jovial Journal. “Jer. Jostyn.” The New Box and Cox. Mr. Box was a dramatic author, and Mr. Cox was a doctor. Mr. Box’s clients con- sulted him when they had an idea, and Mr, Cox’s clients consulted him when they had anailment, Mr. Cox and Mr. Box boarded in the same house, just as old Mr. Box and Mr. Cox did. One morning there came two letters, one for Mr. Box, and one for Mr. Cox. Owing | to a mistake in the orthography, or an indis- | by an elderl | in readine: tinetion in the graphology, or a defect in the servant's intelleet, Mr. Box got Mr. Cox’s letter, and Mr. Cox got Mr. Box’s. he one Mr. Box got ran as follo Sir!—I have been thinking very about the weight, or oppression, on the chest, and the more I think of it the more certain I feel that it must proceed from the pressure of a foreign body, as I feel sure nothing else could produce the same effect. I will call about 4:30 this afternoon, and hope to hear your views on the subject. Yours,” and here followed a hieroglyphical signature. Now Mr. Box was not so bewildered by the above letter as it might appear at first sight that he would naturally be. "The fact was, he was at the time in cor- respondence on the subject of a farce he was writing, in which the hero hides himself in an “Ottoman,” where he is nearly smothered ly who seats herself on it, and declines to move. Mr. Box, therefore, naturally read ‘ chest” for ‘* Ottoman,” and gallantly held himself for the promised call. But we must peep over Mr. Cox's shoulder, and see what he has got. The note he recei ran as follows: ** Dear Sir—I have an idea whick I wish to call and consult you about. This is very important to me, so, if possible, please be at home at 4:30 p. wt. Yours,” another hiero- glyphic. **Dear me!” mnsed Mr. Cox, ‘who can the fellow be? It must be the very first idea he ever had. Nothing alarms folks so much asa novel sensation.” It chanced to be Mr. 's ‘at home” hour, so he also was ready | to receive his guest. It was a strange fatality which caused Mfr. comicbooks.com