Judge — January 31, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Home Ties. “HAVE you any ‘home ties??” asked a lady of a young man whose appearance in- dicated dissipation, * Oh, yes, (hic) home ties, lots of ’em, s-got a mother-in-law.” — Pretzel’s Weekly. She Didn't Scare. “Now, Clara,” said the teacher, “ if you should meet a bear what would you do?” ** Doesn't a bear squecze people?” queried | the girl. «Then when T saw a bear I should stand very still. "—South and West. He Followed the Doctor's Instructions. “Why, Doodle, what hav ing? Your © * Doctor, cool and Ye Mot air rises, don’t it?” Ye And cool air decends ” Certainly.” Well, I've been standi ner there all th you been do- ‘ace is as red as a beet.” you told me to keep my head ny feet warm, didu’t you?” on my head in ternoon.”. A Fish Story. ‘Dox’ flounder around so!” crabbed mackerel. Shut up or Ul whale you! other. * Will you do it a porpoise? mackerel. nt a shad-dow of a doubt of it,” re- plied the other. “LT beg you to be clam, gentlemen,” treated a lobste ** Or ‘eel get in hot water,” cried a sheeps- head, on his mussel; and they all went off for currents. —/ittshurgh Chronicle. said the ” said the "asked the en- Score One for Lo. A citizex, who claims to be descended from the Pilgrims, got into an altercation with one of the Kickapoo Indians, the other who are on exhibition at the North End nm, As the wordy warfare grew hot, ne drew himself up to his fall height and shaking his feathered crest, ex- claimed: * Go ‘lon Theeit you foreigner!” 1 Was speec! shless with amazement and chagrin which was not lessened when a | bystander observec has you there,”—Boston Courier. If Living. Iy all policies of insurance these, amonga | host of other qu tions, occur: “Age of your father, if livin, “Age of your mother, if living?” A man in the country who fille up ab application made his fathe it living,” 112 years, and his mother's 10: The agent was amazed at this, and fancic he had secured an excellent customer: but, feeling somewhat dubions, he remarked that ant came from’a very long-lived sir,” replied he, “my parents years ago, but, ‘if living,’ would be aged 3 there put down.” “Exactly —I understand,” said the agent. —Chicayo | In the Ball Room. He—* Ien’t Miss Paddington a handsome girl? © She—* Do you think so?” He— Her form is elegant nees often deceive. For 1s different from me. When I make up my mind to go to a party I go, but she—” Ie: She: “Well.” Well, after she m ad to make up her bo pid curtain, without mus Courwr. p her mind -— Boston An Opportunity for Repose. AT a country hotel: A traveler retires to his room, leaving word that he is to be called f early train. In the morning he is aroused froma sweet sleep by the porter knocking vehemently al the door, “Who's “Are you called for tl " All right. in go to sleep again, reuch Fun. there th an that was to be sir; the Why He Backed Out. Severar tlemen were conversing In the off ¢ of a young attorney when the latter took a leer tol from his desk drawer, Ove of the party suggested that he would allow the attorney to shoot at him with it at ten feet for a dollarashot. The was, pted, but the proposer backed out, The ney remarked: * You thought I wouldn’t shoot, did you There’s where you are mistaken. “1 was pu didn’t have se responded the other.— Washington Hatchet. The Father of His Country. Oxe night George Washington came home about the witching hour of twelve, and his hat didn’t fit him as quickly as us The Mother of Ifer Country eyed hima hong his boot up on the hat rack and threw his tile under the bed, and then sl q where have you bee Been down shtairsh readin’, here of the cherry tree. wing!” ejaculated the relict of Mr. Curtis with 3 nort, ‘Much re ing you've been doing! You are full, sir.” Well, Marsha, my dear,” responded the patriot, ‘don’ Shir Franshis Bacan shay readin’? makesh full mar There was silence.— The Hatchet. replied the Storm Signals. As the coming of the gi storm heralded by the display of cautionary signa sthe approach of that dread and f °, Consumption of the Lungs, ust announced in advence by pimples, bl eruptions, ulcers, glandular swelling kindred ortiard manifestations of the in- ternal blood poison, which, if not promptly expelled from the system, attacks the delicate tissnes of the Inn sing them to uleerate and break down, — Dr. Pierce's Iden Medical Discovery” is the great remedy for this, as for all diseases having their origin in bad blood, It improves the appetite and digestion, increases nutrition and builds up is sand | How to State a Fact Shorter. “Ty softadumbrant meshes of sieved silver the sunbeams melted through the leaves and dipped in spangles of gold upon the brown and bia ick moquetrie of shadows that led to ed edge of the curb where a fragile litte fra agrant of humanity lay moaning.” “That's all right enough,” said the man- aging editor, ** but it’s a little too long. Make it shorter.” “But what shall I say, sir? blonde reporter. “Oh, Pd just say little boy Pat fell his nose. asked the “Hennes nto an open That'll do. Muleahey’s wer and —- Chicago A Domestic Miracle. As I was walking down street this morn- ” observed Joncs, “1 saw a man drop a render button in a blind beggar’s detected the fraud at once.” I don’t see anything strange about that,” 1 Mrs, Jones, ‘Why shouldn't he tell the difference between a bu:ton and a coin?” He has had considerable experience in coins, I know, but LI can’t see how he knew it was a button.” “By the way it felt, of course, shouldn't he tell it?” I don’t think he had felt a button before in twenty year “Why not?” “Ile has been married about that long, I believe.” —Drake’s Traveler's Mayazine. Why The Unreliable Hat. Cou. Yeroen, meeting Rev. Baxter on Austin avenue asked him: ** How is your congregation coming on?” “We am goin’ right ahead sah. Since we has quit passin’ de hat we has taken in lots ob money. De kerlecshuns has increased wonderfully, sah, wonderfull **T don’t understand how collections if you don’t pa “We passes de plate now. “Well, that’s the same thing as passing the hat, isn’t it?” + No, sah, hit ain’t de same thing. con Webster passed Ce hat for mo: year, and de kerl int now I pa money Whangdoodle n dena shuns was mighty small; ses de plate myse'f, and de ist rools in. De plite am much more Fe able den de hat.” * Tow is that?” “Deacon Webster put tar in de top ob his hat. ‘Tey were shoe clerks who met in the George, did you pop the question last night?” “* No; I made a mess of it.” * Tlow's that?” “T thought I had my courage all screwed but somehow when we sat on tne sofa I picked up her foot, put it on nd rubbing her shoe, told her of a little close, but it would vomfortable in a week or two.”” cit stretch and be —Chicago Ne wes: cholera morbus, dysentry x, colic or cramps in stomach, Componnd Extract of Smart- For diarrhe an’ bloody-fli me Dr. Pierce | the wasted system, | Weed, Specific, also, for breaking up colds, comicbooks.com