Judge — January 17, 1885 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

live. If his $20,000 salary were reduced to $10,000, or even to $5,000, he could still provide himself with an excellent quality of water, and a superabundant supply of very nutritious bread; but Beecher’s famous bread and water speech was levelled at working- men, and this laborer in the vineyard toils not, neither does he spin anything—except some very astounding yarns when he feels impelled towards politics. So, though Mr. Beecher may readily be assumed to be willing to take ten thousand dollars, if he can no longer get twenty thous- and, yet he would infinitely prefer to con- tinne his pastorate at the latter figure. So he slops over his dear brethren of Plymouth Church as is his wont, He ignores the insults he heaped upon that large section of them who preferred Blaine to Cleveland; and he pumps up the ready tears and grovels in the dust of repentance. The spectacle is not an edifying one, nor can the exercise be pleasant to Mr. Beecher. Il dollars are dollars, and the reverend gentleman is naturally anxious to reduce the expense account involved in his late kick over the traces to as small a figure as possible. But the interesting fact remains that pew rents at Plymouth church, for 1885, have fallen $7,000 below the pew rents for 1884. But Tue Jepce has a word of advice to you, Mr. Beecher. If you manage to find a rat-hole through which to sneak out of your present difficulty, and if other respect- able men shall once more be found to fill the places of those respectable men whom you have driven out of your congregation, select as your text the twenty-third verse of the twenty-first chapter of the Proverbs of Solomon, and preach your best sermon upon it—and practice what you preach, The text reads: ‘* Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue, keepeth his soul from troubles.” A SUGGESTION. Brisk winter weather; several inches of snow on the ground, and the thermometer some half dozen degrees above zero. Trot out your sleighs; fill them with buffalo robes and pretty girls; pull your sealskin cap over your ears, and out with you—the wins try world is all before you, and if you have a good horse, you are pretty sure to have a good time, But suppose your sleigh is only the grocery wagon mounted on runners. Suppose your holiday sleighing is dependent on the horse which has been delivering your customers’ orders all the week; suppose you havn’t got aseal-skin cap, and times are too hard to permit you to buy one, Suppose you can’t fill the sleigh with buffalo robes, and the pretty girls, in consequence, wax red-nosed and blue-lipped and unbeautiful? What then? This is where Tue JupGe’s suggestion comes in. Instead of mounting the grocery wagon on runners, mount the grocery stove. AUTOCRATIC Have a good fire. Crowd in round it. Have the kettle boiling on it in case anyone wants hot drinks; hitch up your old moke to this conveyance, and show the nobs on the road that you have just as good an idea of style as they have, and ten times a better idca of comfort. Tur JupGe is the friend of humanity, and issues the idea without a patent. Anyone can use defy the cold, and preserve your caloric without buffalo robes. There's millions in SO MOTE IT BE. Ovr clever and critical contemporary, the Norristown Herald has these kind words to say of us: “Tue Jevoe, with the New Year, calls attention to the rapid and marked improve- ment in its cartoons and letter-press_ during the year. We have noticed it, particularly during the last couple of months, and con- gratulate his Honor accordingly. | Printing the colored cartoons with more margin is not the least improvement.” The Appropriation committec, they say, will ask one hundred thousand dollars for a pedestal for Bartholdi’s statue. If Bar- tholdi’s must have a cool hundred thousand to stand on, what sum would be large enough for that extravagant person to go on? Grant has refused a pension. And now his countrymen will be pretty unanimonsly of the opinion that the General is no true American after all, or that his late troubles, or advancing age have affected his mind. Refused a pension! The didactic poet of the future, having been forestalled in the matter of tears of dotage that flowed from | Marlboro’s eyes, will be only too glad to seize on this melancholy incident when he comes to point his moral at some hero's expense. ASSURANC The Darwinian Alphabet. From A to M--Ape to Man, forerunner of man, 10 Darwis piticent plan, B his next brother's got up in the scale Of creation, since he bas discarded his tail. . T think, the one missing link. C isa creature, a live on But Darwin don’t know, hi | D is for Darwin, I wish, Tmust own, | He would trace his own line, and let our line alone, |E qu The most perfect pinched into shape, of monkeys, the best style ¢f ape. | F is his fur, which good Dame Nature gave, But he scrapes it all off when be learns how to shave. G is gorilla, a monkey, But you'll sce men just like him wherever you go. ou know, His the head, and it ought to contain, Both in monkey and man, some proportion of brain. 1 is just I—you may guess, if you can, If I'm nearest akin to the monkey or man, J is Tne Juve, who is wondrously blest, For doth species in him are displayed at their best. K's for our kindred. It's rather a bother, I confess, that an ape is ‘a man and a brother.” | I's for the ladies, but they must escape, Even Darwin daren't call Mrs, Darwin an ape. M is a man, that’s the best I can say, | But he winds up the matter, at least for to-d: Tue Pittsburg man who succeeded in cornering oil intends to try his naked hand at capturing cels and quicksilver. First American Citizeness— Must have been a awful Richepin that Sally Bernhardt lost, to make such a fuss about it.” Second American Citizeness—‘ Yes, I guess it was one of them breast pins set in diamonds, that the queen of France gave er.” comicbooks.com