Judge — January 10, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. “Paint Her Red.” “TSE it stated in this hyar paper,” re- marked a nger from the south, ‘ that the esspression ¢ painting it red’ started with anigger show. het hain’t so. ‘Thet ess- pression was started thirty y’ar ago down on the Mi'sippirivah, You'k ow there used to be a heap of steamboat racin’ in them days, just afore the wah, — An’ if a boat couldn’t keep sumwhere in sight of another she ‘on’ class, if even she cost $1,000,000, Well, in them days they didn’t have all this porter- jacket, steam-savin’ business down so fine in the engine-rooms as they hes now, So when the engineeah told the coal-niggers to fill her full, an’ they filled her, the boilers used to get red-hot. Whenevah they was a big race on the captain’d go up to the pilot a minit, and then yell down the tube: * The Belle of Miss’sippi is coming round the bend. Paint her red!’ Then the engineeah would yell out to the coal-hustle rs, the Belle of Miss’sippi_ is after us. Paint her red!’ And then they would proceed to paint those boilers red, from fire-box to smok stuck. ‘Thet’s the way the esspression first started, sah, and all the nigger-show men ever did was to put in the word town.” Chicago Herald. Never Bet on a Sure Thing. A horse named Beverwyck fell a few days since at Brighton Beach and was left with a broken neck as his owner supposed. During the night, however, the horse got up, w taken to his stable at Sheepshead Bay, where the following morning he ate a hearty meal. Beverwyek was killed yesterday,” re- ked one’ of the early arrivals at Sheeps- the next day. s not,” was the rejoinder of a by- vas,” said the early ar- seen him lying motionless the evening previous. “ Done,” said the b: tander, and together ea arrival, sought to get squ son ‘willing to bet ¥ not to be outdone, and finally found a per- that Beverwyck was to the stable proved «d from concussion of Beverwyck had d brain not ten minutes before the second made, and that he was out the arrangement.— Fz. “T wake light of this,” remarked the gas company’s bookkeeper as he made out the gas bills. —Brooklyn Tn a _Womes are the hardest conundrums ever given to man, and yet man never seems to be willing to give them up.—Boston Globe. Dickens never allowed himself to be called grandpa. A very prominent man in this country never allows himself to be called pa.—Philaitelphia Call. ALL a woman asks is to be loved. however, be added that a refusal of sealskin -ques, diamonds, horses and carriages, etc., shows an absence of love, according to her idea.— Boston Post. “Wuen’ve you been, Frank?” “ Down in St. Louis.”” “What doing?” “ Run- ning a photograph gallery.” “Did it work “Work! Ishould say it did. First day I hung out a sign ‘ Babies taken without prior notice,’ and next morning I found four on my doorstep."—Chicago News. It may, | What They Received Christmas. Wintram Henry ILarnison Jones got a boy’s tool chest, and by this time has spoiled three legs of the piano, Albert James Smith got a sled with an eagle on it, and is in for a sore throat, James K. Polk Graham was presented with a toy gun, and the doctor is now busy pick- ing darts out of his mother’s Baby got a candy cane two fect long, and atin tobacco box. “Bless you, my children, bless you.” ather got a dressing gown which will go to the garret after to-day, a pair of slippers one size too small, a necktie which hangs to starboard, ring which can be used in place of brass knuckles. He ought to be thankful, as he furnished the money to buy em randma got a calico dress with bine dots in it, a new pair of spectacles and asnuff- box which cost thirty cents. ‘* La me! but my children hain’t forgotten me yit! Mother got a breast-pin, a botle of cologne, a work-box, and a bracelet. Her heart melted. She didn’t expect anything better than a sealskin sacque and a set of diamonds, ~ | and is consequntly overjoyed—in a horn!— " Nice and Dry. “Wittiam, ob, William!” called a wo- man, in the middle of the night. “Well,” answered the husband, “T hear those negroes stealing our wood.” “What, the nice, dry wood we bought from the honest countryman?” “Well, reckon I’d better get uj and take the poor negroes a lot of blankets and quilts.” “* What for?” “To keep them from freezing to death.” —Arkansaw Traveler. Almost a Difficulty. s De Sait, while not precisely a coward, is averse to getting into any difficulty if he can avoid it. Not long since Tiif Johnson, who is a great big stapping granger from Onion Creek, kicked Gus's dog off the nt could not have done that last ” said Gus, defiantly, “Why couldn’t I have kicked him last “Because I only got him yesterds Didn't Understand. an Arkansaw road train. A senger calls the conductor and says: “Seems to take some time.” they are rather slow to-night.” “Why don’t you burn coal so you wouldn’t have to stop and wood up?” “We do burn coal.” Shen what are you stopping here for.” Oh, I didn’t understand you when you said it took ’em some time, Weare waiting for the train robbers to blow open the express safe. Don’t beinahurry, they'll be through pretty soon. Ah, here they come now. Boe hold up your hands, I reckon.”— Arkansaw Traveler. Cossip's Exaggeration. Tiere was an old Iady in Danbury Made a meal on the half of a cranbe But the story it And the tirst thing she knew, From a half to a few It Was stated as tric: na gallon—then two, Till old Mrs. McKew Md the news as if true, That a Mrs, Bellew Ate aw Ofar grew, nderful stew 1 of cranberries in Dantary, —Datroit Free ric Presa. ‘I'ie world is a sta e that carries too many dead-head — Whitehall Times. Spurious five dollar billsare in circulation and several editors have been ruined for life by accepting one of them.—Brooklyn Times. Aw umdrella thief in Re s been sent to the workhouse for four months. The world steadily moves on toward the right.— Hartford Post. Your congressman seems to be dre ifully afraid he won't get his pay. He isn’t at Washington a week before he presents his bill. —Boston Transcript Mama—* Yes, my child, we shall all know each other in heaven.” Edith—‘ But, Ma- ma, we can make believe out when some of them call, can’t we? "—Boston Transcript. Aw Adrian paper states that up in Lenawee county old maids are called ‘ bachelettes.” We suppose that this is done to make rhymes with chemisettes, pantalettes, ete.— Toledo American. “CAN you give me a definition of noth- jet” inquired @ nutber soventean school teacher. “Yes, mum. It’s a bung hole without a barrel around it,” shouted little Ted Saunders whose papa is a cooper.— Brooklyn Times. “Davin Davis is said to have an ardent love of machinery of all kinds. | When last seen he was trying to invent some way to make the pendulum of the eight-day clock rock a cradle and handle the paregoric.— Philadelphia Call. A eyxicaL old bachelor, who tirmly be- lieves that all women have something to | on all subjects, recently ked a friend, ‘* Well, madam, what do ou h on this question of female suff him the lady responded calmly, ‘ Sir, [hold my tongue. ”°— Baltimore Herald. A Boston paper takes particular pains to explain that seven out of ten men who perished in a shipwreck were married, ‘That mitigates the horror a little, but even married men, or a few of them, would like to live.— Warsaw Wasp. “‘Hus any one been at the: silence around the table. Aunt—‘ Have you touched them, Jem- my?” Jemmy— dinuer.”"—Ez, a never ‘lows me to talk 3 “*T am going over to propose to Clara, confidentially remarked a Broadway clerk to his chum. Half an hour afterward they met. what luck?” “TI didn’t see her.” “Whom did you see?” “The old man. 1 havn’t swallowed my heart yet.”—Brooklyn Times. “Well, comicbooks.com