Judge — October 18, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. she ought to have in the house, but the woman can’t even spell, She asked me were there two ps in pepper, and when I said ‘* Yes, three,” she actually put three in a row, like this * peppper.” Not content with borrowing my things, she constantly finds fault with the things she borrow: One day she sent in for the loan of my steps to put up curtains, I never would have risked them had I had the least idea she meant to get on them her- They were a good set of steps, well J to support an average weight, but they gave way under hers, und two of my ste nd her collar bone got broke: Oh! how she tormented me about that collar bone. Sometimes I felt tempted to agree with some of the neighbors who said it was a pity it was not her neck. She took to literature on and wrote a series of articles called ‘The Platitude Pa- pers,” by A. Platitude. She meant to make me hear her read them all, but I got an op- portune cold, which made me so deaf that she gave it up in despair, and I have refused to read them myself till she could get an editor to do so first. So I think 1 am toler- Since the episode of the chair covers I have become desperate, and T think I will change my h It is alittle hard on me. The locality suits me, so does the house, so does all and everything about it except the Plati- tudes. Idon’t want to say anything unkind, but I do not think there is one saint in the calendar, even Moses himself, who would have patience to live next door to them. So, is it not too much to expect, even of acl itable, kindly, good-natured old girl like Tanitua Tompkins NV. B. Mrs. Platitude has just sent in for the loan of ane chair, Well, that woman has the impertinence of—well, I shan’t lend it. The line must be drawn somewhere. 1. TOMPKINS S.—By heavens, she’s coming in for it Extras for the Evangelist. AN evangelist from the east made atour to ‘Texas recently for the purpose of saving some of the desperate citizens of the Lone Star state. He opened his first meeting in what is known in the state as a ‘* tough town.” About thirty hard-looking male citizens comprised theandience. After the good man had discoursed a little and sung several revival hymns he requested that a collection be taken up to carry him farther into the state. A Il and fierce-looking Texan, armed to the nape of the neck, passed his sombrero around, with the significant remark: “ Guv liberally, boys; you nthe show, and we ain’t the men to beat any show- man.” The result was that every man contributed something, and when the hat was nassed to the evangelist he examined the contents and then remarked: “T find in this hat #4. buttons.” Holding in full view, ** I will A shout and considerable laughter cut off the evan 's remarks, and the tall man said: “Mr. Preacher-man, overcoat buttons. and two overcoat p the supposed buttons you're clean off on Them ain’t no buttons; them are chips, good for 50 cents worth of licker in any ginmill this side of the Rio Grande. They'll also git you cooked grub, stranger, if yer appetite needs it.” The explanation was satisfactory, and the meeting closed.— Washington Hatchet. Forgot The Main Feature. Tur other day while Major Dodridge was sitting in his door-yard the gate opened and nge looking man hastily approached. Is this Major Dodridge? ghth Arkansas, during the beginning to look with interest at the stranger. Don’t you remember me, major?” No, I can’t place you. “Take a look at me,” hat. ‘*Don’t remember that I ever saw you before.” “T am Hank Parsons!” exclaimed the man, bracing himself as though he expected the major to rush into his arms. ‘* Don’t recall the name,” said the major. “Is it possible? I did not think you would ever forget me. I'll refresh your memory. At Shiloh, while the battle was raging in murderous fury, I found you lying on the field, shot through both legs. I took you on my back and carried you toa spring in the shade. w don’t you recollect?” “Let me s¢ mused the major, ‘I re- member having been wounded, but I can’t recall the fact, if it be a fact, of any one taking me to a spring.” “This is inde ed strange,” said the disa pointed man, ‘1 looked forward to meet you with such anticipation of a warm greeting. Well, well, the world has indeed reached its ungrateful The occurrence is fresh in my mind asthough it had taken place ye: day. I gave you a drink of w! ‘What! ” exclaimed the major, springing on his feet. Gave me a drink of whiske' Oh, Yes, I remember now,” seizing the man hand. Oh, I'll never forget that drink The whiskey was so new that cornmeal w floating round in it, but we enjoyed it. Re member you! Why, I should cavort. Why did’nt yoy guard against possible embar- rassment by mentioning some of the main features of the occurrence? ”—Arkansaw Traveler. ” shoving back his The Ice Man's Solicitude. Consum See here, sir. You call this lump, just left by your boy, twenty pounds, and I know it won’t weigh ten. Ice man—‘ But you forget the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children is keeping a sharp lookout now.” * Well, what of i “*T don’t want to be arrested.” “ Arrested! why, at for? “ For overloading the boy.” — Philadelphia Call, ” What Puzzled Him. Ir is reported that a day or two ago Mr. St. John went into a Kansas drug store and called for a glass of soda water. Ilis left eye accidentally twitched as the clerk gazed at him inquiringly. ‘The mis- taken clerk, not knowing the gentleman, gave him a hbe lowance of the usual flavor de- manded on such oscasions, and the glass was drained to the dre; “* My goodness gracious me!” said the can- didate; smacking his lips. “I don’t see how men can drink liquor when they can get soda water like tha Y. Sun. Making a “Tlenrico!” “ Androm “The gods forfend, but this, though form and speech attest it, is surely not the classic face where unto me lips do sometimes move with am’rous purpos ay, but it there may be here and there a lineament dis- arranged, or feature pressing from its wonted place, yet do I swear thee ’tis the old, the ott-k ed countenance.” “Now, be me sire’s crest, thou’rt dazing me. Why this, thy dial’s front belikes the pattern of some crazy quilt, or semblance the focus of some blasted sweetmeat mine where jellies multiple had met in mixed caronse, “T like thy simil air maid, exceeding well. They dove-tail nicely with results that do attest me mild indulgence in that fistic realm whose patron was the duke of Huckle- berry. "T'was but a friendly joust; a match whereat ” “ Aye, surely lightning of thy claim.” “Tush thee, ’twere a match! The lurid frontispiece doth that pro- thou prattler! "Twere a match, I say, whereat both friendly rivalry and manly culture did meet: That sometimes met, thy countenance gives ample proof, and that met as meet two toppling towers, e’en so it testifies.” “Why, gitl, soft as thy downy pillow were the gloves we wore «And softer yet this wreck of facial wherewith thou greetest me. __ Had’st thou been bathing in an abbatoir thou couldst not glimmer with such bright veneer.” “And yet me every feature answers to the roll. But, had’st thou seen me rival, gentle one, ah! there were ruin worth thy studious gaze. One ear hung pendant by a filmy thread, his dental parts macadamized his throat, on either cheek his nasal wings flapped i’ i’ the gory air, and through the other facial rim peered bones that did of dexterous fracture hint. Ah! ‘twere a dainty picture, dame, and breathed et tribute to the manly art.’ "—Yonker’s Gazelle. pulp A Fine Wife. “Wu does yer want er ’vorce frum dis asked acolored judge of a dissatisfied husband. “Case she ain’t de ’oman I tuck her fur, sah. De law said dat she mus’ be wid me in sickness an’ health. She done all right long ez I had health, but soon ez I got sick, sah, she flung overboard her obergations.”” 'y, sah, I tole her ter fetch me er fried chicken frum de place whar she cooked, but shedidn’t do it. She said dat de lady 0” de house watched hsr too close. Dat ain’t no way fur er ‘oman ter treat her husban’ whut hab lubed an’ ’tected her. Watched her too close, de mischief.” “T thinks, sah,” replied the jurist, “ that you are ’titled te: *vorce, se it was her duty to git dat chicken. Lawd knows whut would er come o’ me when I wuz down wid de rheumatiz ef I hadenter ‘sessed a tine wife.”—Arkansaw Traveler. Tue Washington Hatchet scribes Col. Ingersoll as a man who spells God with a little g and hunts all over creation to tind a D big enongh to honor the devil with. — Bos- ton Herald. comicbooks.com