Judge — October 18, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Ir Purserzcens ‘DINING ROOM. | gi ef FARE GOILED CXC ( lection wi thorough reform and. less unm Federal civil serv Demo- cratic can This of Cleveland, the tool of Hubert O. Thompson, and of Davidson, of whom The Times 1, March lhe greatest sink of corruption, blackmail and lute theft is discovered in the Sheriff's office.” A cutip of song—Childe Harold. TH financial dramas are gaining in in- terest. The authors and actors seem to under- stand their public better every day. Cred- ulity, imbecility, imposture, ud, theft, perdury, tears, ruin—these elements we be- ieve are common to all the plays of this cla At last we have the prime ingredient of blood—of blood galore. (See ** Midsum- mer Day’s Nightmare,” scene Brunswick.) Nothing now is lacking but the brilliant element of fire. Though, if horror is to be piled on horror in this way, we shall have to go back to the Kirk o’ Fields or the tower of Ugolino for a taste of pure comedy. | : MISTAKEN IDENTITY. Oup Mus. Pantinatos (suddenly loom- ing up from behind a wall as our artist is passing) —** See ’yar, young man, if you're one of them there surveying young fellows, T don't want you digging in any 0° them can- fusion wells of your’n around *yar, why I “can’t walk two steps without srandin’ right on the brink.” My Neighbors. MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR. “Over the gurden wall." I nave the misfortune of being personally acquainted with my next door neighbors. Mr. Platitude is comparatively harmless, but Mrs. Platitude is a perfect nuisance. She is perfectly idle herself, and she cannot get it through her head that anyone else has anything todo. She comes in to visit me at all hours, Ican’t say, ‘not at home” to her, for I never go out or come in with- out her knowledge. It is no use to say Tam engaged, for she comes in all the same, al- ways on the plea that she wants particularly to see me, and will not detain me five min- utes, but she forgets all about that once she gets hold of me. She always opens her visits by saying, “I just dropped in,” and a very big drop in” she is. I am sure she does not weigh less than 180. And how she talks. She always knows a great deal more of my business than I know myself. She generally ‘drops in” to tell me that my cook handed a parcel, early in the morn- ing to the milkman; that my Emma Jane was romping in the back yard with the baker’s boy, or that she thinks it right to tell me that the butcher stays a very long time in the house when he calls for orders and what do I think of that? And do I know, that though she has a larger household than I, sho only takes in half as much ice as I do, and don’t I think my servants must waste it? And am I sure that I keep my house warm enough, for I use far less coal than she does. And what do I think of my Emma Jane telling her Kate that I was a tiresome old maid, and that no one could live with me. And then she generally wants to know who was the gentleman that called yesterday afternoon, or whose carriage stood ao long at the door, or where L spent the whole day? Thenshe offers me matron]. advice, saying, that living alone as I do, should not receive gentlemen’s visits without sending in for her “ to make it pleasant for me.” She always either ‘drops in” when I have a visitor, or comes in the moment I am alone, to account for her non-appearance. I had a great joke the other day, and aya fied my friend most beautifully,” T had been having some curtains dyed, and the dyer, a jocose young man, called around with the ill, Of course, when he rang, Mrs. Plati- tude trotted up the steps after him and saw him hand Emma Jane # slip of paper, and heard him say, “I dye for your mistress. Give her that. She knows all about it.” I heard it too, so I bid Emma Jane show the young man into the front parlor, and tell Mrs. Platitude I was very much engaged, and positively could not see her. I paid the young man’s bill and let him go, aud have een very silent and mysterious on the sub- ject ever since. Mrs. Platitude thinks that I have made a mash, and has not neglected to express her opinion, and spread the news far and wide, but she remains in the dark, and Kate vainly tries to make Emma Jano tell her, but poor Emma Jane really does not know the facts. But yesterday Mrs. Plati- tude had full revenge. My parlor is a very pretty room, and I am very proud of it. spent all last winter working new chair covers for it. These were made of Roman satin and claborately embroidered. They all came from the up- holsterers yesterday morning, and they looked imply quite perfect. I had them unpacked in my little back parlor, which is a very small room, and barely held them. While I was gazing fondly at them, a flood of sooty, grimey water suddenly rushed down the chimney, and actually saturated three of my prettiest chairs, and splashed all the rest, till they looked as if they had been covered with a chimney sweeper’s apron. «*Emma Jane, Emma Jane!” I screamed, and began to haul out the chairs, but it was too late, they were all spoiled. That tire- some Mrs. Platitude had, or fancied she had, a fire in her kitchen chimney. So she got that idiot of a maid of her to pour water down, and she, of course, sent it down some other flue which connected with my back parlor, and spoiled my lovely chairs, Of course, Mrs. Platitude “ dropped in’” before Thad half time to recover my temper, and equally, of course, I went for her. I think I frightened her, for she “ dropped out” very quietly, but that won’t make my chairs clean again. I see nothing for it, but to cover them in chintz, just as | had them before, but I never will bear to look at my lovely Roman satin covers again. ° There are really no bounds to the stupidi- ty of Mrs. Platitude. I have to blame my little alarm clock for the fact that I made acquaintance with her. I wanted to get up very early one morning, so I brought my little alarm up to my room. In the course of the day Mrs. Platitude sent in to ask me would I object to keep my pet rooster in a back room, as the crowing disturbed her in the morning. When Emma Jane brought me the mes- sage, I really thought I had a lunatic for my next door neighbor. I am fond of pets, but a rooster in my best bed-room! It was too much. I did not know Mra, Platitude then, and I felt quite mortified that any one should fancy such athing. _I went in and called, for I really wanted to know what it was all about, and she persisted the rooster had crowed all morning in my front room, I ot quite angry, and never thought of my ittle alarmer, till Emma Jane suggested it to me after I went home. ‘Then peace was made, but that is now twenty years ago, and Mrs. Platitude has kept “dropping in” ever since. I do not like Mrs. Platitude’s gossip, it is so ill-natured. For my own part I never say an unkind word of anyone. I pride myself on not being satirical are prone to see the faults of others, but Mrs. Platitude says such things. She told me that poor old Mr. Heather- bone died because the young Heather- bones would not leave him in peace, at home, but dragged him here and there for change of air, poor old man! And then in the same breath she told me how the young Smilers actually murdered their old father by keeping him in town, when a breath of country air would have saved his life. I wonder what she says about me when Iam not by. One thing is a comfort, she has not brains enough to say anything clever. It will be almost ‘orth. the loss of my chair covers if she stops “dropping in” for a lit- tle while, and sending in to borrow my things, but I'am sure she will never pass Monday morning without sending in to me forsoap. She has her washing done at home, but she never can remember to get in soap, so she borrows it from me. She borrows everything from me, butter, salt, flat-irons, hair-pins, coffee, mustard, darning-cotton, pepper. She got ashamed of herself once, and came in to me to help her to make a list comicbooks.c om