Judge — October 11, 1884 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. The Book of the Tribes of Columbia. Certain persons find that a plime ia better than a mushroom 1, Columbia, the princess, was the most beautiful woman in the land; and she had | many suitors, such as Butler, the mighty Turk, and Carlisle, the man who concealed the tariff about his person; and Morrison, the man who was horizontally reduced by his friend Randall, whom he therefore loved as David loved Jonathan; and many others. And it came to pass that the father of Columbia, Samuel, the uncle of the nation, apni, saying, I will give my daughter unto the man who draweth the best picture. 3. Then every man did commence to think and to draw, that he might receive the prize. 4. And the High Priest Enryward came out of his ash-barrel, and spake with Schurz, and Puck, and George William the good, saying, * Let us draw a picture, and win the nd after thinking for many days, drew a gigantic picture, to give unto Se ‘amuel, It was of a Buffalo mushroom, which ona platter filled with crow, with the st of the prophet Tilden in a distance. And they tickled each other in the ribs, and said, ‘Whoop! Let Rafael betake himself THE NEW TICKET. THE CAMPAIGN IS NOW OPEN, unto the Hoos Rubens meander, for w » eclipsed him.” 3. But yet, before taking the picture unto | Uncle puel, they showed it to their friends, that they might know of its beau- ties. 8. And first they showed it unto Johnkelly, “Lo! what thinkest thou? Is not el Angelo elevated higher than the familiar kite of the schoolboy?” 9, Bnt Johnkelly shook his nead, saying, “Nixy, O artist! Thou hast failed . ‘Thy mushroom is too green. ‘Thou cans’t not take Columbia with a mushroom.” 10, So they took it unto Butler; and he said, ‘A mushroom cannot live in a dish of crow. Thy picture is wrong!” 11. But they would not listen, and they took it unto Gra but he answered and said, ‘No, thy crow is not black enough. The Curtis crow is blacker than painted by thee.” So they referred it to Maria, and she ‘Thou might improve it by a picture a woman on her knees, begging for a child that thy mushroom had stolen from her to pot in an asylum.” . Then they sat themselves down in de- jection, ‘* What more can we do? we will give it unto Uncle Samue 14. And when the time came that Uncle | Samuel called for the pictures, they laid it humbly at his feet, saying, “Oh, great Uncle Samuel, accept it, we beseech the!” | sight of Uncle 15. But Uncle Samuel heard them not. He looked not upon their picture; his es were removed from their saying. aze was fixed upona beautiful had been placed before him ya visored knight with a plumed helmet. “Ii. This picture was called by the name of Protection, and its beauty charmed the amuel and Colum 18. Uncle Samuel spake, sayin her, Oh knight, but first lift thy visur, that I may see thy face.” , The plumed knight lifted his visor, and Uncle Samuel said, ‘ Well, I know thee now. ‘Thou art the great knight Repudli- canis! ‘Take her, for no man has earned her but thou.” 20, And the projectors of the mushroom slunk away, and brooded muchly in the deep, comforting silence of the cemetery. ‘Te center of gravity— of good breeding—‘ Gentlemen not spit on the floor.” Tue Charge of the Light Brigade has never been retracted, nor has the author been sued for damages. A ractory for the manufacture of arti- al teeth is to be established at Utica, with a capacity of 3,000 sets a day. ‘That's a gnawful lot. comicbooks.com