Judge — May 17, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A Wretched Girl. tract from a letter of an road to a friend at home: a great bit of news to tell you, American tilda, The Prine me at Ramsgate. “They say he’s a Guelph. What's a Guelph? Something horrid, I suppo a te said he found American ladies clev- erer than English women. “He is slightly bald headed, but his face almost covered with hair. ‘What a pity he’s married. “IT know I made an impression on him, for he wanted to shake hands with me so often, especially when nobody was looking at us “T trembled a good deal. It is awful flustering to stand behind the curtain of a bay window and have a man who is going to be king of England squeeze your hand. When Lord Reginald —I forget his other name—cume up and interrupted us, I could have screamed for disappointment. “O, Matilda, if I have to return and go among common folks again I know I shall die. “* But there’s no escape from it “'rhe future is a dull, dreary “What is life to me now, Matilda, except to eat caramels? 2 of Wales was introduced to Your Wretenen Lov —Brooklyn Eugle. Anxious for Father. “Mamata,” said a small boy, believe everything papa says?” “Ofcourse, my child,” replied the mother, with wifely pride. “ Everything, mamma?” “Yes, dear, everything.” “Well, I don’t. “Hush, you wicked boy; you mustn’t talk so. What did your papa ever say that you couldn’t believe?” “You know that widow on the next square, who always looks so sour at us boy “You mean that pretty Mrs. Bonton? “She's the one. I heard papa tell her yesterday that she was the sweetest woman in town, and then he gave her a bunch of flowers, and it made me so ashamed to hear him tell such a story that I ran away and wouldn't let him know I had caught him in it.” “That will do, my child,” said the mother, with a peculiar look in her gentle face, “ran out and play and I will tell your father when he comes in that he must be particular not to destroy his son’s confi- dence in his veracity.” — Cincinnati Merchant Traveler. “do you Discouraging. Austin youth imagines that he is a great elocutionist, His strong card is read- ing the ghost scene in * Hamlet.” An old actor was called in to express his opinion on the youth’s fitness for the stage. “Don’t you think Ican do the ghost in ‘Hamlet’ pretty well?” “T think some other character would suit you better. You ought to have given up the ghost long ago.” “Then you mean I don’t stand a ghost of a show of becoming a great actor?” “No, I don’t think you stand a ghost of a show as long as you are alive.”—Tezas Siftings. Show Your Hands. TERING an Austin watchmaker’s es- tablishment, a country negro produced the hands of a clock, and’observed to the aston- ished watchmaker: “ Boss, I wants yer to fix up dese han’s. | Dey jess don't keep no kere’t time for mouh den six mumfs.” Vere has you got de glock?” interrogated erman proprietor of the establishment. Out at de house on Injun Creek. “Ven you brings him in?” “*Whatfor you want de clock?” “T vants to fix dot glock mit der hands.” “Of course you fixes it wid your han’s, Who said you was gwinter fix it wid yer toes?” “T must hab de glock.” “Didn't I to r dar was nuffin de mat- ter wid de clock, ’ceptin’ de han’s and I have done brung em to yer. Yoo jess wants de clock so you kin tinker wid it, and charge melike de debble. Gim me back dem hans,” and taking them away from the designing erman, he went out to hunt up another es- tablishinent.— Mus. Jenson y husband and foolishly fond of him. One day she said to a sensible lady friend of hers: “Really, it may sound foolish to say it, but [just worship my husband mu oughtn’t todo it. It’s wrong.” “Not very, I hoy “ Yes it is, if the divine injunction against that sort of thing is worth anything.” “Why, the Bible docsn’t say anything inst that, does it?” “Of course, don’t you know it says 5 mustn't worship anything that’s idle? Merchant Traveler. 'Twas Lonesome Without Her. Smith, are you coming down town “Say, to-night “Why not?” “Weil, my hired girl left this morning and Mary will be lonesome by herself.” “My hired girl left this morning, too, and that’s why ‘Vm coming down. I'd be awful lonesome with Maggie.”— Washington Hatchet. The Way to Work It. ITARLINGTON wanted to stand his land- lady off for a couple of weeks’ board and so at the breakfast table he said in a loud tone of voic Ah Mrs. Hendricks?” Mr. Harlington.” “ Ah, will you be kind enough to pour a little cold water in my coffee? It is too strong and hot.” After breakfast she A: “Certainly, Mr, Harlington, I will accom- odate you willin ”— Philadelphia Call. Who She Is, «Witat does Susan B, mean?” asked the teacher. “ Anthony,” said “What Anthony? teacher. Mark Anthony!” No.” “Mark Anthony’s mother!” yelled John- ummy Hart. jokingly asked the replied Sammy. ny Sharp.—Aentucky State onrnal! Soox will the merry picnic daye In season roll around, When, to escape sun's flerce rays, We'll seck the shaded ground, Where ants bave a peculiar knack Of wandering from their bed And wandering up a fellow’s back With slow and measured tread Bismarck Tribune. He Had Been a Referee. A MAN with blackened eyes, nose and wearing his arm in asling, was seen going along one of the streets of Boston the other day. An acquaintance meeting him inquired the reason of his battered condition. ** Have you been run through a saw mill?” he asked. ‘0. Oh, no.” “Why, what on earth has happened to you then?” “Oh, I was referee of a polo match at the skating rink and I decided against both clubs.”—Somerville Journal. a broken Too Tough. Late one evening recently a New York goat of the William persuasion and tender years, though robust stomach, returned to to the bosom of his family with an expres- sion of pain upon his countenance and a suspicious contortion about the stomach. “Oh, my son,” said his grave and reverend sire, ‘‘ you are ailing—you have eaten some- thing indigestible. NY hat is it?” “know not, father,” returned young William, ** All I have lunched on this eve- ning was a few circus posters on a bill board around the corner,” “Tt is as I thought, my son,” nodded the old stager. “You have awallowed one or two of those stories concerning the white elephant. I saw them myself, my son, and decided not to go them. ~ They looked too tough for even my muscular gastric juice. But here is a choice assortment of tin cans and old shoes. Eat a few of these and by the time they mix with the circus bill in your stomach I think the kinks will be pret- ty effectually removed. You cannot be too careful about eating what you find on the bill boards these times.” —Oil City Blizzard. Changing the Subject. «Your mother and father are well, Miss De Cook?” asked young Featherly, who was making an evening call. “Papa is enjoying excellent replied the young lad with her fan, ‘* but m; say, is far from robust. “' Indeed!” said Featherly, putting on an anxious look and getting in a little genteel work; ‘her condition is not serious, I trust?” “Oh, no; nothing alarming. We have been without a servant for a week past and dear mamma is beginning to feel the effects of it, thatisall. It isa great trial to us. Are you an admirer of Whistler's etchings, Mr. Featherly?”—Detroit Free Press. ent health,” toying gracefully mma, I am sorry to “ Wagner Concerts” are becoming the rage in thiscountry. ‘The trouble with such concerts is, that about four-fifths of the audi- ence sit through the entire performance wondering when the members of the orches- tra are going to get through tuning up their instruments.—Aorristown Herald, comicbooks.com