Judge — May 17, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. AIR HIS IDEAS TO YOUR WIFE, METHODIST PREACHER’S DAUGHTER. MORE Ir you WILL Go TO HEAR Bos INGERSOLL ON ORTHODOXY, DON’T GO TOME AND ECIALLY IP SHE HAPPENS TO BE A master comes to the door with ‘You're want- ed Jemima, here’s somebody for you,” it was a policeman, with a warrant to search all my things. I tried to stop him but down through all my finery he goes and opens a box I had put it into. Well, would you be- believe it! There was a hole in the corner of the trunk, and it had slipped into it, and T had been in such a hurry making it safe. As soon as the policeman said ‘‘It is not here.” I caught sight of it rolled under the bed; so I pretended I had @ pain in my stomach, knelt down and lifted it up, and pat it into my pocket which had been searched, pretend- | ing I had falling sickness and did it so well all were deceived ; and here I am without a | character, but not on the Island, as I thought would have been the case; but master and mistress ought not to leave all to Jemimas like me. Those Sifters. Some forty years ago, there was born in the state of Vermont, a pair of twins. They were united by a strange affinity in the shape of a flesh-rope, joining the two togeth- er just above the right hip. ‘The Sweet Knox twins were the wonders of the present century; and the neighbors for miles around flocked to the roof under which they were born to view the curiosity. The little fel- lows kicked up their pink tocs as small kids wereever wonttodo. Barnum bid high for them, but the old gent who fathered the twins would not hear of the unholy proposition. ‘The twins were early endowed with strict re- ligious axioms and Sunday-school hymns. they were held in high respect by the good farmers who had apple orchards to look after; they were raised by foot as well as hand. They soon tired of the prosy surroundings and longed for green fields and pastures new. At sixteen years of age, they packed their wardrobe and went to Boston where they soon found paying occupation at the hands of aclock maker. He started them in business, and the good New Englanders to this day @ reason to remember the pretty boys who seduced them with good for nothing clocks. It got warm in New England for the pair of promising twins; and they hired out to a mackerel fisher, at | which business they first entered fully upon their career. The salt breezes did not agree with them and they took the overland route to California, A kind doctor in St. Louis, performed an operation upon the rope of jflesh which bound them together and —behold they were no longer twins with but |a single throb; two hearts, ete. Knox bought a bowie knife and a fine tooth comb and started out witha band of scouts for the | Golden Gate. Sweet bought a pack of cards and slid down the river. Ile was so unique | With his little pack of cards that he entered | New Orleans with seven hundred thousand dollars. He there got in with acot and made such dead loads of money had to move into Texas to find room enough to spread himself. Years passed by, and one dark and stormy night while crossing the wide expanse of the Texas plain, he was re- uested stranger to halt and deliver. That voice sounded familiar and he asked the stranger todo it again. When he lifted himsetf from the ground, he clasped the oth- er about the neck and the two had a little midnight fracas all to themselves. The die was cast and the Sweet Knox twins were face to face. We will pass over the rest of | the touching affair. They counted issues and | found themselves possessed of one million of ‘dollars. It was enough. ‘They went to Austin, bought forty-two tons of foolscap, | a printing press and/a brown stone front and began to mould public opinion. The double |horse sifting machine, which they erected jin their manufactory of puns, mots and quiddets scattered its chatf all over this broad universe. Men bowed down and wor- ' shiped at their shrine of jollity and to day he —behold the result: they have written a book and—wonder of wonders that book, unlike books, is a great and far reaching suc- Their names shall go down to pos- terity as bright and shining lights among ers. ‘The great and glorious State proud of its adopted princes of the pen and, if they'll only Keep away from the senate chambers, they'll reign supreme for years tocome. They are joint owners of seven canning establishments, thousands of heads of horned cattle, and cattle without horns, to say nothing of that sifting machine which sifts and sifts and never ceases to sift. A Theatre-goer’s Dream. Bitter yior took Black Eyed Susan . M.S. Pinafore. On their way they et Princess Ida who was looking for a Mas- cotte, but owing to want of Patience was unable to find Foggs Ferry. Just at that moment up came the Galley Slave on his wav to Siberia. He told me he had Olivette and The Member for Slocum who were going on a trip Across the Continent. At the same hour who should arrive but the Edgewood. Folks; also Michael Strogoff, then quite a Youth, who was going on a tourof the World in 80 Days. Splendid, said Iolanthe to the Black Crook, the Lights 0’ London are the finest sight I have seen since we left Enchant- ment. ‘The Romany Rye had come up and hoisted the Black Flag as _a signal to the Silver King that all wasO, K. Richard and Buckingham thereupon shook hands and said they would soon have Jesse James and My Partner In The Ranks. Ifowever, Fedora remarked that the Power of Money was something remarkable. Cad the Tomboy had plenty of Cash, likewise the White Slave who took in the Mighty Dollar at Muldoon’s Picnic. Otto, Shaun Rhue and Jalma went a Voyage-en-Suisse but were delayed at Ten Mile Crossing, con- sequently when they arrived at their destina- tion they found nothing but a Sca of Ice. M’liss and Baron Rudolph took the Bunch of Keys and Skipped by the Light of the Moon to the Government Hou ‘The Two Orphans aided by Rip Van Winkle were going to run for Congress but were over- thrown by Only a Woman's Tleart. ‘The Banker’s Daughter had her Photos stolen and they were recovered by the Little Detec- tive who found them Storm Beaten on the Pavements of Paris. Davy Crockett said it was strictly business, Young Mrs. Win- throp said it was Cheek. Hazel Kirke and Sam’l of Posen had a errible Time and but for the timely assist- ance of the Rajah and Peck’s Bad Boy they would have been Banished for the rest of their Natural Life. The States Attorney who said he was Up to the Times was Fojled at Last by Gabriel Conroy and the Danites. Chris and Lena received their Reward and the Queen’s Lace Handkerchief which they delivered to Lord Dundreary. The Flying Dutchman was on the road to the Devils Auction when he was pursued by Karl. Confusion to all quoth Fritz, I will give you all the Pop you want. My Chum and ‘the Pirates of Penzance then took a Drink at Our Boarding House. My Sweetheart, Camille and the Lady of Lyons saw One of the Finest Hearts of Oak to be seen in the World; the: also saw Bob and Little Nell walking wit the Irish Minstrel Princess Chuck, in the Fresh morning. William Tell said it was a Lottery of Life. I now awoke and, behold, instead of being In Paradise it was nothing more than a Midsummer-nights dream. These are Facts, w. E. 8. comicbooks.com