Judge — March 15, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Heavy Settlement. “TEN your father is wealthy Quoth the courter to the m: “He's a treasure as healthy mine with diamonds laid, And if I should wait upon thee To the altar, I opine ‘That he'd settle something on me Ina monetary line? “ As to monetary, sirrah,” vonded, “I'm inclined ne that a mirror Which your own conceit hath line Bat he'll settle on you surely, And he'll settle it so quick That you'll think you've lit securely *Neath a load of building brick.” A Plumber in Heaven. PLUMBER died and er’s gate. “Who are you?” asked the old Saint. *<T'm a plumber—" “Great Scott! Here, porter, before he can make out a bill against us.” So the plumber passed on in, and the { old Saint told the porter to let all plumbe in withont questioning; but it don’t benefit the trade any, for not another one of ’em ever presented himself up there. ‘They said it would be no Heaven to them to go where they couldn’t make out a big bill against somebody, and they'd try the other place a whac he Hatchet. went up to St. let him in Too Wet. A MAN with a red nose and other visible evidences of weakness, struck the editor for a# pass to the theatre “Got none,” said the editor, ‘nary a “Any free shows in town “Yes, biggest one that’s been here for a that?” “The flood. Why don’t you godown and see that?” “Oh, dang the flood. down there. makes me g I'm afraid to go zht of so much water —Merchant Traveler. Nautical Notes. ie pleasure resort last sum- I party of you were out fora sail. ‘The by a handsome young boatman, wh made a mash on the jolly all I hug the shore? ashe the sailor. —if that’s the bes Hoosier. No Excuse. AN absent-minded Austin justice of the peace, whose customers are principally ine- briates who are brought before his court, was called on to marry a couple. He did not make if she took the band. “T do.” “And what are the miti; reum- stances if any?” inquired the absent-minded justice.—Tezas Siftings. sroom to be her wedded hus- Tue downward p: h—the one witha piece | of orange peel in ‘It Was So Sad. He swore that he loved her with adevour- | ing boarding-house passion. Down through the fly- blown muslin curtains the soft rays of the golden sun sifted and filtered, and the man on his knees patiently suing for some surcease of love’s woe was encircled in a halo of glory. Yet she He recounted the picnics, drives, the ice- creams, the ope nd the caramels—but never a word did he lisp about the unpaid board or wash bill. Yet sh hard. In tones of quivering agony he threw in a few disjointed remarks ‘about the dreary expanse of future if she did not say him yea, she was hard. He told her how he wore corns upon his brow, tapping it with his forefinger for soul- ful poetry. Yet she was ha ‘Then with a we y sigh he rose from his right angular posit: took his hat and laid his hand upon the nickle door-knob as he said: ** Then, sin ou will not be mine, 1'Il go join a ball club— “And be a darling pitcher? “y “At oh love, Weekly. ast, at last I'll be thine; come back rt of mine.—Carl Pretzel’s A Nest Egg. A comMEnctat traveler jumped from the train at a small station and shouted to the »roprietor of the lunch counter to give him a hard-boiled egg and a piece of mince pie. He ate the pie hurriedly, and was attempt- g to break the when the conductor 's name, is the mat- ae?” he yelled. Is it rotten?” asked the proprietor. Rotten? no, but [ can’t make any pression on it, and here Iam as hung! and the train half-way out of the yard;” and he made a dash for the back platform of the rear car, which he just succeeded in reaching. “Well, I’m blowed,” the lunch counter, pokin if I didn’t give the young man a china nest "Exchange. im- id the proprictor of Duties of a Director. “I’a_a director in the company,” said the devil in a newspaper office. “You don’t say 80 “Ye ” “What are a director’s duties?” “To direct wrappers, of course chant Traveler, Mer- No one ever saw two women walking side by side, one wearing a genuineand the other, and imitation sealskin saque.—Philadelphiat all. ' Francis Murpuy tells Lowell people that ny mistake until he asked the bride | he ‘h: never been in a city where people are better dressed. He tells them all so. —Harlfard Post. A. Texas postmaster boasts of his being a veteran of three wars, but his boasting is no evidence of his bravery. We have a quiet little man up here who has been married ‘en times, and he never mentioned it un- less questioned on thesubject. ‘This is genu- | ine heroism.—Bismarck Tribune. most of the public ers are talk- king for revenue only. —New Orleans Pica- yune. Mr he pe Courie Beran is still unmarried sibly know about cruelty? Journal. What can ~ Louisville ize of men’s pants is to be increased The dudes can now have a sitting down spell.—Harlford Post. nti-poly curiosity Hartford Post. RAPH boys become very expert run- They practice running every day when going to dinner.—Philadelphia Cull. A Versmoxt man_has | times and he’s the citizen they go first ina bear hunt.—Hoston Po ow let somebody dramatize the Que et Alvin Joslin Davis to star a Brown the Scotch gillie.—Foston Post, Ir is said that the noses of English women are deteriorating. ‘They will probably take a sudden advance upward when their owners read this.—Boston Transcript. nm omust be as jemocratic prohibi- Ir’s a mean Chicago woman who will send her husband for the doctor and, while he is gone, run over to the court-house and get a divorce from him.—Philadelphia Call. Queen Victoria pays postage as any other Briton. — ‘There's no earthly need of the franking privilege. ‘The auto- graph hunters keep her in stamps.— Boston the same | Globe. | What “«T NOTICE back to the office ¢ is the reason? , that you fter goil “Oh, way o dinner. that’s casily | explained, I take my meals in a board house. | mak it with a knife, | somerville Journal. A rat who had made his nest in the mat- ted hairs of a horse’s tail was recently killed at Dublin, Just think how sea-sick that rat would have been if they had only let him live till fly-time,— Boston Globe. A woman fr sense! Of ¢ her scre: ed at a mouse? irse she is not. Then what mn Se Becat he wants to let the mouse know that she isn’t afraid of him. It is a habit a woman has of maki herself heard when she opens her mouth, Boston Transcript. Tue old tramp who was a “ Michi suffere last summer, will go on t this spring as an “ Ohio flood sufferer.” He thought once that he would have to appear “Java earthquake sufferer,” but the floods have fortunately rendered Uhis rather far-fetched excuse unnecessary.” — Norris- fire road as | town Herald. “ How often do you pr your bill to that young fellow?” said a gentleman toa dude told to charge him with of cigarette ** Quar- terly You don’t mean to you trust him for three months?” “Oh, no, of course not. Quarterly in this case means every time the bill amounts toa qu ter."—Merchant Traveler. “Give me a telephone ah Hon. Thomas Warner yesterday, stepped up to the stand at Pat Murphy “What kind of ris that?” inquired the unsuspicious Pat. “One of the kind that you smoke in New York and they can smell in Brooklyn,” was the answer, ‘The Hon, Thomas was carried out of New street in an ambulance.— Wall Street Ve said the he comicbooks.com