Judge — March 1, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. ON GUARD. A pair of chickens hanging high— A dog who's ready to gobble, or die, One thing I determined on last week, aad that , hot to go back to Gobbletown to live, and I wrote to that effect to Squizzle. I instructed him in regard te the dispos: of my personal effects, aud told him to keep farm and stock in good condition, for ly Mari and [ would make it a point to spend a few weeks with him in summer. Imagine my surprise this mornin, being summoned to the drawing room, tosce him standing there loaded down with bag- y thunderstruck would faintly express my feelings. For a few minutes neither of us spoke. At length I asked him what brought him to “Your letter,” sez he. “T told you to stay in C “And that’s just the + sez he. “If you » 1 think Te: hletown, aison 1 didn’t un manage to live it all events, I'm not sez I. od i AO you'll find you can’t live city. You'll have to set your wits to work and get in some paying business or find yourself set into the street before can say ‘Juck Robinson.’ You can’t tick’ here as you do in Gobbletown.” “How have you managed to live asked. “ By writing for the papers and delivering lectures. I've written un drama that a man- ager of one of the theatres accepted, and promised to pay me handsomely for, but he hasn’t kept his word, and consequently I’m at my wits end to know what to do in this dilemma.” “Point him out to me and I'll punch hi head for him,” said Squizzle, dropping his gripsack and rolling up his sleeves. “You might be useful in that way, if I could get sight of him; but he’s been’ suc- cessful in dodging me for a weck past, and goodness only knows when I shall set’ cyes on him again. But how are we to live in the mean time?” “Oh I sold the potatoes, apples, den sass in the cellar, for I knew freeze,” sez he. “Oh you did, did you?” sez I. “Then you may hand over the proceeds to me; for that farm, stock, and all it produces is mine by inheritance.” “T married the farm when I married you,” sez he, go nd gar- it would A tramp with sti Squints at the dc , and evil eye and passes by, “Not much,” I, defiantly, holding out my hand for the money. at, I'd never have mar- | d, reluctantly emptying the nts of the purse in my hand. What am [ to do without mon taken every cent?” “O, you ean go into the ring or prize fighter,” I said, but he shook his head dolefalls “You can join some of the expeditions fitting out the north-western passage —yon’ve ack,” sez he, W’t see where the profit is, hey cover themselves with glory, and assist the canse of If they don't live toe s brought here at the exp ument, and they 3 pomp and cereme If you are not willia ise of eof the gov. all the rriors, ve your life to the Ihave to go back to money to live on by the live stock on the farm,” sez He followed my advice, aud went, One Peaceful Household. A stony is going the rounds t! lady of Baltimore, Md., some time rtain cog istered e that dori certain go, for solemn nding they since le under the same sly kept and still keeps husband! There are thou- ctured hus- vho secretly wish that their ** better-halves” would emulate the example of their Baltimore silent sister, id that, notwiths! have resided and still re roof, she has relig Nothing New in the Telephone. A vew days ago a certain individual of our acquaintanee wished to form telephonic con- nection between his Nassau street office and ew street. After vainly endeavoring to make Central office understand, he left the instrument in disgust, iming: ‘VIL be d dif I’m not at last a firm believer in the truth of the aphorism, ‘‘ Nothing New under the sun!” Deap men pay no bills. Rather Smooth. Ir was one of the slipperiest days that over slipped around here, and it is a wonder to | me why it did not somehow slip out of the almanac; and indeed, I approach the subject with a rough-shod pen, and with a fear that it might slip entirely off of my mind. I must say that everything went smoothly, and even the people seemed to, also, and the course of true love was not rough any more. The sidewalks were so beautifully enam- elled with ice that if a man turned short to get into a store, so he wouldn’t have to make acreditor he saw coming feel downhearted and bad, he was sure to go down, and saved the creditor the trouble of fetching him down, If a man had any little start in going down hill, he went with every facility in the world, without having anybody to give him an assist= ing kick. I found it the very easiest thing in the world to get my feet off the pavement and up in the air, but the great trouble was for me to keep the ba or the overbalance of my body off the walk. Talk about the fall of the Roman empire! The sensations of a man with both feet and the rest of him up in the air, is one of extreme buoyancy, an airy lightness that is really exhil ing, like as if you could hang there for ever, and didn’t want to get down, at least not as soon and sudden. — But you can’t dwell there long, concern old Newton for inventing gravitation; and ing plent. of gravity, it does seem that I never will step bouncing L would rather time fall down a air of friendly cellaresteps, because [ widu’t have to get humorously up and hy and i coat-tail ni ul to have ashes sprinkled erved to Li P posts, but TL don’t think there was inything the matter with them, for they did hang ronnd very ven) Title tin the next Teonldn't get get to settle metry it slippery day. Men who were waiting for somethin, turn up, were accomodated, for never sa so many men turn up their toes in so short atime; and I was sorry to see so many busi- s men on such bad footing and struggling etalon When one man would fall on the crowded walk, he would knock a whole lot down like arow of bricks, and he would literally be buried under a mountain of curses, besides the men. When a fellow once started to go down to see how firm the walk was, he was bound to get there, Levi, for there was no backing out. Some men, in falling, would grab at a straw, but I think I could grab at a whole straw-bed, for that is about the lowest way of getting down in societ: It is very melancholy to sit down suddenly on the walk and watch another fellow’s feet suddenly get light, and fly up; and he makes about forty steps in the air, just as if he wanted to climb up, and had no earthly intention of getting down on the ice, and getting to thislevel in the world. The mean distance is not so very great, but you go it at the rate of a mile a minute, and you fon't need to have a man tell you when you arrive at the station. It would have been a grand thing to have to to comicbooks.com